The Jerk

well, discovered something else i should put on the NY's resolution list: stop being a self-centered jerk.

she didn't/couldn't call till about an hour after she got in. i'd been waiting for her (and getting increasingly excited and then anxious) since the time she'd have been on her drive in. in those 75 minutes, i got more freaked out, more stressed, more anxious than in the entire rest of the time we were apart. how could she not call? how could she not want to call after so long apart? even if the office people were bullshitting, how could she not be anxious to cut it short so she could call?

then i find out that she's been in severe pain since friday.

we have a short talk. then minutes after she goes into a meeting. for three hours. finally we chat a little, but it's stilted; obviously she's not in the mood to chat. or talk. all i can think is she doesn't want to talk to me. me me me. she's in extreme pain and i think it's all about me.

i'm upset because in six days she couldn't find 5 mins to call, couldn't read, couldn't get her mail, didn't call me as soon as she could. yet now i know that the whole time she was barely mobile at all. i'm sure he was very solicitous and stayed with her every minute.

instead of being upset that she doesn't want me like i want her, i should just accept it already. it's not gonna be. she has a love, a life, a lover. it's just not gonna be me. if i can ever just accept that then maybe we could start enjoying the great friendship we have that's just buried under all my regret and hurt and anguish over not being the one she wants. the problem with that is that it means letting go of so much. so much possibility, so much potential, so much love. it means having to get over her. and if i can get through all that, then it means having to open my heart to someone else, someone who would be second choice at best, someone that i'd always know i had to settle for. and whenever i think about loving (even -trying- to love) another, i choke. my heart pounds, my chest tightens, my eyes water, my emotions short circuit. how can i ever love another after i've known her?

tick

now this is hard... knowing that she's probably on her way to the office, or maybe even already there. i can picture her driving, radio blaring. she'll get a call from him. she's probably running through the things she wants to get done today.

is she relaxed, refreshed after her days off? is she thinking about me, about calling me? has she missed me? g-d knows i've missed her.

tick. tick. tick. the minutes d-r-a-g by. each seems longer than the last. and when the :30 mark comes - that's the worst because it's when she starts her work day, and when she's officially in the office, and when she's "there" to me.... but i know she can't and won't call right then, so then i start to feel like i'm in overtime. and each minute gets even longer.

sigh.

tick. another minute.

i can see her, in my minds eye, driving. sunglasses on, radio on, probably singing along. hopefully with a smile on her face. i wish i could see her.

tick.

16.5 hours... but who's counting?

i can't wait...

just 2/3's of a day to go and i'll get to talk to her again, hear her sweet voice, be with her in what ever tiny way she lets me...

i'm dying to hear of her holiday, what she got what she (they) did. did she relax? have fun? enjoy her time off? does she feel more relaxed in her (their) life now? was he good to her or did they fight?

i want/need time to fly by so i know what she decides to do. but because it may not turn out like i want, i don't want it to either.

i just want her. why is that so much to ask?

i just want her to be happy. (why can't she be happy with me? is -that- too much to ask?)

right now i just want her to come back. i've missed her. i want to hear her voice, talk to her, hear her laugh.

i want her back.

i just want her.

missing her

she wrote me a heart warming letter before we parted last week.

soon, we end this year and start another. what will be this year? will our lips finally touch? our eyes lock onto each other? our bodies warm with the others' touch, molding to each other? or will the new year end as this one and the last one ended - her in her life with him, me here or there or somewhere, without her? still not knowing her? still held at arms' length?

she moves me; when she opens up and talks to me, she touches me, moves me, influences me. i have a feeling that this will be the year that either we consummate our physical attraction or i finally accept that she won't meet me, won't touch me, won't have me.

we've been apart since thursday - 5 days and another to go. i've been "okay". okay in that i haven't crashed and become despondent or had a meltdown or similar. that's not to say B hasn't been with me, constantly. i woke very early saturday morning dreaming of her. it was a very erotic, intense dream. i woke feeling so alive, so invigorated, so loved, so -involved- with her. it was discouraging and depressing to feel that wear off as the reality of my surroundings and my situation slowly crept in. she was with me so strongly, so completely.

again monday morning, she woke me. not with the same kind of dream, but just her presence. i sat in a chair by the window in the study and stared into the night. i thought of her - what was she doing? was she still up? how was her christmas with him and his family? how's her time off with him been? is she feeling more "in place"? is she relaxed, enjoying her time off? does she think of me, miss me? highlights (and lowlights) of the past year came and went. i reached for her with all my heart and all my love. i wanted her, her touch, so much. i kept hearing her words before we left on thursday, and hoping hoping hoping that she was enjoying her holiday and that kept me sane.

and today im back at work. and i miss her so.

i can't wait to hear her voice again.

ramblings

today she leaves me for what seems like forever but is actually only an impossibly long time - 6 days. she'll be back in the office for two days next week, then gone for another 5. i wish she'd have been able to take the whole time off but she couldn't. i'm glad for me, because it means i'll get to talk to her again this year.

i'm having these meltdowns, panic attacks. three times now in four days. they come when i'm thinking about the reality of our situation - that i'll never have her. that there is no "us". what that means for the rest of my life. it's so wrong. we could be so right together. while we were talking yesterday i realized what the hole in my life is (besides -her- not being here). i'm not only alone, but i'm lonely. i want someone to love. but i only want it to be her. i have so much love i inside to give her. but it's hers and hers alone. i can't even imagine giving this love to anyone else, can't picture loving anyone else. can't even picture being with anyone else. i don't want to give my love, or me, to anyone else.

there's no room for anyone else in my heart. it's like i have to let my heart and my soul ?reabsorb? some of this love that i have for her, put it away somewhere safe. put it away because it'll never lessen, never be less. until then, there's no room for anyone else. and i don't want anyone else. any other love, any other lover would pale so much in comparison to her. it'd be a settling for so much less than what could be. what if there's never any room for anyone else? am i destined to always be lonely and alone because i love her so much? i want to, need to, hold her close, make love to her, tell her i love her. i always thought (and still do) that if i could somehow explain my feelings, tell her, show her what's in my heart for her that it would all work out. if she feels it too, how could it not work out? it's too perfect not to. i always thought that logic and reason and love would win out, even in the case of love. always thought that the rightness of what we feel would make it obvious that we need to be together, that we should be together. how could anything so right NOT prevail?

so maybe these long periods apart are a good time for me to start boarding up my heart. wrap it up tight so nothing leaks out, so she doesn't see it or feel it, because it doesn't do her any good to see it. so many people wait their whole lives for someone to love and for someone to love them. women (and some of us men, too) want someone who will love them unconditionally and completely and without reservation... a love that permeates every atom of their being. a perfect love, an infinite love. which is what i've found, what i have inside. but love is nothing if you keep it inside, its value comes when you give it away. and i can't give it away.

fuck

i don't think i ever realized it before; it just came to me... i know EXACTLY how she's felt over the last year or so...i think i was a lot closer to exactly the same thing, i was just one thing/event away from it.. it's like i was standing at the edge of the cliff, facing the other way and thinking everything was fine. the change made me just turn around and see.. whoa! nothing in front of me.

now that one thing has changed and i know exactly what she meant/felt. nothing. i have no desire. i'm so incredibly tired of living with no hope. the few things that i look forward to are so transitory, so fleeting, like a flare in the middle of the night - there and visible for a short time, then gone, the black flooding back in, obscuring everything.

i haven't been happy for years. i've thought i was, or at least on the path to happiness, in the last couple of years, but that was all based on hope, a wish.

now what? i don't want to live the future - it's gonna be long periods of unhappiness and sadness and loss punctuated by occasional moments of happiness. small peaks of good. oceans of vast blackness.

no choice. no options. no control. no desire to live. no reason to. nothing to hope for.

can't breathe. can't hope. can't see an end. or an out.

slapped

i've been slapped. and it hurt. a lot.

i made a mildly disparaging remark about bf and she slapped me. hard. hung up. bye. gone.

i guess i really touched a nerve.

i said i thought he'd done something (actually not done something) to make sure she had to leave the office right at 5. he'd done the same thing just a week earlier and she saw and admitted it. yet now, a week and a long weekend later, she's very defensive of him. it would seem she's become very vested in her life with him again. she's made clear, in no uncertain terms, where she stands.

i've been put in my place.

and the boundaries clearly drawn.

i didn't think it'd be so quick, that she'd so quickly reinsert herself in their life.

that she'd so quickly pull away from me. us. this.

i've lost. i've lost -her-. and it would appear that if i don't get that through my head i could lose her friendship too.

if i tell you

if i tell you i like you, does it make you feel as warm inside as it does me when you say that to me? do you have any idea how much your friendship, your connection suffuses me with warmth and goodness?

do you look ahead and see us still as friends in a year? five? ten? 30? can you see us as lovers? do you want to be lovers? and if you do, will you allow us to be?

if i tell you i want you, does it make you feel wanted? or does it push you away? does it make you feel sexual and sexy and wanted? do you feel arousal for me? do you want me like i want you? i want to hold you, touch you, feel you, hear you, smell you, taste you, love you. i want to feel your skin shiver as i lightly brush you with my fingertips or tongue. i want to hear your excitement softly moaned into the air. i want to smell your body responding to our touch, taste your excitement, your arousal. i want to hold you, be held by you, feel you pulling me into your body.

do you want me too B?

if i tell you i love you, does it push you away? or does it make your heart sing? does it make your soul happy? or does it make you sad?

i like you. i want you. and i ...

argh. again. again. again. again.again.

she called :-) we talked :-D

that's the good news.

on the other hand, i'm finding myself again fighting the swing of my emotions. fighting it. i hear her talking to him or describing their weekend and my mind fucking races, RACES ahead to the future.

i'm ?winning? the battle a little, in that i'm stopping myself from spiraling into the black oblivion below, but it feels like i'm holding myself up by pushing my arms and legs out against the walls of the wellshaft. i just have to not look down.

there has to be a chemical imbalance. it has to be. or she owns more of my heart than i realize. or than anyone else ever has.

========
interesting. in the 15 mins in took to write this, i've calmed, somehow managed to climb out of the well without falling in.

now i just have to do it every day for the rest of my life.

B

we had a very ?intense? conversation before we left each other on thursday night. we ended well - intense, even heavy, but well. my plans had been to go to see my daughter from friday to today, but last minute they changed. so i was still here friday.

i slept late, puttered around, then went to do my hobby thing. about 4, my phone rang.. it was her! now this is where i begin to see that the things she's been beating into my head about how we need to be are right.

i was so happy to hear from her, SO HAPPY! we chatted, talked about her day, mine, my change of plans, what i was going to do instead, etc. it was light, upbeat, friendly. and close. without saying it or discussing it, i knew it. she was -there-, we were close, it was good, so very good. when she had to go, i was disappointed, but not... crushed, not so overwhelmed with her going. in fact, that 12 minute phone call kept me happy all weekend. i missed her, i still so much wanted her to call again, but it was ok.

and today's a test, or sorts. will i start feeling crazed if she doesn't call me for an hour or more after she gets in? i hope not, i think not. i'll be anxious, sure, partly because i've missed her and just want to talk to her again.. and partly because... i need her.

B.

time apart

what do i do?

i have no influence. i can't convince her to meet me. or give me a picture. or make any changes at work. or take time off. or get an assistant. or stand up to him. or .. or.. or..

there's no time. none. she's overwhelmed at work. the office is closed tomorrow which means stuff that she would've had to get done tomorrow has to be done today. as if she didn't already have too much to do today. so double up on todays' already overbooked schedule.

she's off tomorrow so we won't talk tomorrow. or saturday or sunday, of course. so while we might have hoped for some extra talk time today that now seems unlikely.

she's only in a partial day monday, if at all. so less or no time on monday.

tuesday, wednesday, thursday. and i'll bet he expects her home early on thursday.

that's it till next year.

her stomach is acting up again - thanks, no doubt, to all the stress. work. him. and me.

wonderful.

i wonder what it'll be like to be away from her for such a long time. we haven't been out of touch for that long since... ever. not since we met.

i'm hoping that so much time off work (even though, knowing her, she'll work at home some), and hopefully lessening stress from him and no stress from me will have a positive, therapeutic effect on her. hopefully she'll start sleeping more, her stomach will calm down, she'll be able to get a handle on her life again. she needs time to regroup. with any luck maybe she'll even get to go to a movie by herself, a pleasure she hasn't had in way too long a time.

i wonder where "we'll" be when she comes back to work? it's always been a source of some ?issues? (for me) that she pulls back over the weekends. what'll happen after so long a time? and given that she's given up thinking about any possible "us", and so much time apart.. when she pulls back, will she have pulled back past the point of no return?

i'm already anxiously awaiting her return, our "reunion" next year.

hoping for what might be.

and fearing what might be.

marking milestones versus taking in the scenery

sigh.

i disappoint her so often. and myself.

she doesn't understand why eleven days of silence is something i'd think about.

how could you not??

i could no more ignore this upcoming ?absence? than i could ignore losing a leg. to me it's huge. it's a tremendous ?gap? in my life.

i can kinda understand though. she doesn't measure time. she's able to take what's here now as what there is. she lives life moment to moment. i don't. i measure my life, mark the passing of it by the milestones of when she's in it, and when she's gone, of when she'll next be in it. and in between those milestones there's - not life, but existence. waiting for the next time with her.

when she leaves me, the color leaves my world. there is black and white and grey. yes, occasionally there are flashes of color, but for the most part, there is only the absence of color. and then she returns and the world and life is in living Technicolor again. my life is periods of time spent with her interspersed with longer periods of time waiting for her to return.

she wonders how i could think of that, -why- i would think of it.

how could you not?

maybe i am a friend

sometimes i surprise myself by doing things i don't understand.

well, that doesn't surprise me. doing things that aren't self-serving, that really are for someone else's best interest, that really are ?selfless?

is it possible i really can be a friend?

I've been trying to get B to close her office for the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday between XMas and New Years'. It's already closed the Fridays and Mondays surrounding both holidays, so this would give her 11, count 'em, ELEVEN days off.

which she desperately needs.

Eleven days off - i don't think she's taken more than a week since i've known her. she needs the time off, the -block- of time off to decompress, to shed some tension, to get some sleep.

she knows it. but she fights it anyway.

Eleven days.

Eleven days without her. with NO chance of talking to her. or im'ing her. or emailing her. NO CHANCE. eleven days. fuck. just thinking about it i can feel the apprehension, the anxiety rising. fuck it - call it what it is - panic. eleven days. fuck. and that's on top of the turkey day week five days off and a couple of other days out of the office this month and this coming three day weekend. fuck. in the forty calendar days between 11/24/05 and 1/3/06, there's 12 weekend days and 28 business days. of the 28 business days, days we should have been able to talk, 11 of those days she was unavailable. almost half of the possible (?normal?) days. and now what is probably the longest single stretch of time since we met.

and at this point. when i'm just feeling better about us. when she's dropped all thought of anything beyond friendship with me. when she's back in her life. during the most ?emotionally? charged season of the year. a season of lots of times and opportunities for closeness - for those who have someone. and for those who don't, probably the most lonely, depressing time of the year.

eleven days lost. and now a stretch of eleven contiguous days.

the last two years we've at least been able to say hi on both holiday eves. not this year.

gotta breathe!

while i'm sure this is gonna be very fucking hard, it has to happen. she needs the time. it's better for her, so it's what should be.

but fuck. what timing.

eleven straight days.

in the next twenty two days, we'll only get to talk five days.

fuck.

it's for her. it's for her. it's for her. it's for her. it's for her.

hello lover. it's been a long time. too long.

i'm starting to get it. maybe it'll even stick this time, because what i'm hearing (finally -hearing-) now, i know she's told me before.

she's told me, point blank, flat out, that i'm important to her. very important. period. frankly, i haven't thought or believed that in some time.

we connected, were intimate, in a way, ways actually, that we haven't in a long time. not sex, but physical intimacy and longing that we haven't shared in, well, too long. for a long time i've kept that out of our day because i was sure she neither wanted nor missed it. i was wrong on both counts.

what we shared wasn't sex, although it was physical. it was intense and immediate, it was powerful and deep. it was the first embrace of lovers who've been apart for too long. much too long. yet it was unhurried. we shared it and enjoyed it. reveled in the rightness and the warmth and the familiarity of each others' touch.

gotta learn

i have to learn.

things are different. i can't expect that she's in a hurry to call. that it's one of the first things she'll do.

the urgency is mine.

back to work

this is always a hard time for me, although not unlike the friday nights, saturdays and sundays i am also forced to spend without her.

waiting for her to return from her real life. for her it's just coming back to work. for me it's like sunrise, the return of spring, the advent of color into a world of black and white.

i wonder what it's like for her? she's returning to work, to stress, to all the myriad of things that she needs to get done, to the frustrations of employees and business and all the rest. i know she doesn't wake monday anxious to get to the office so we can talk. instead it's almost a time of dread and anxiety for her.

and somewhere, sometime in the maelstrom she'll remember me.

so different from what i feel. i wait through interminably long weekends for monday mornings. wait, wait, wait so i can get back to work. not to -work-, but to -here-, which is where i talk to her. if i'm here, it means she's probably at work, which means we might talk. if i'm not here, she's not at work and we almost never talk otherwise.


=========

i thought being distracted by a hobby would help. it does and it doesn't. it does in that it distracts me for those hours, turns my attention away from the pain in my heart, from what i'm missing, from the thoughts of her living her life.

for a while.

but it doesn't lessen the -overall- amount of longing, of missing, of loneliness, of pain of not having her. given just a few moments to think about her, it all comes back.

profound sadness

is what i feel.

my landlady is having a party. people. happy people. people who have friends, who can flirt and joke and play.

people who have a love to go home to.

people who have a home they love to go home to.

as the evening progresses i see and realize that i am alone. profoundly, completely alone. my B is home with her lover. everyone i see here has someone. even if they're not all "paired", they have friends, fun, a life.

B has a life, again. a life to live, to enjoy, to spend with someone she wants to be with.

you make this veneer of normalcy, of a life, and for much, even most of the time, it's sufficient. but it's a lie and like any lie it crumbles under close observation.

she has a life, things to do, a holiday season to enjoy with her mate, family to visit, friends to entertain, a boat to decorate and parade. i thought she was withdrawing from life (with me) in fact she was, is embracing a real life. living a real life.

and i have to watch her go. help her go. hold the door for her to go back to the life she has.

i want my emptiness, my aloneness to end. but i want a particular resolution. an end that i can't have because she doesn't want it that way.

so i end it alone. i live this life alone.

tomorrow i know i'll be... not better, but a little bit not so bad.

but tonight i miss her so much. tonight i don't want to live this life, or any life, without her.

but it's not my choice.

so i'll sit. and drink. and try to drown my pain, my loss, my aloneness, my emptiness.

while she lays with and holds him. embraces their life together.

the first day of the rest of her life

i don't know what's happening or what's going to happen.

she's pulling away, kinda, because she wants no distractions while she looks at the life she has to see if she can be happy there.

she has to put me and us out of her mind whenever it comes to her. i'm fearful that she'll get really good at that, that it'll become habit and automatic, and that even when she wants to think of me/us, she won't. out of sight, out of mind; out of mind, out of luck.

what if she forgets the things she doesn't have but wants? then she'll just start to settle again. and we'll both lose.

and i have to stop putting things in front of her that are "us". but she doesn't get that all those things are what make us "us". i have to reign in my feelings and the things i say to her. she won't hear them, she'll realize eventually that she isn't hearing them anymore and think it's because i don't feel those things anymore. and as i observe her reacting to the absence of those things, i have to keep silent because she doesn't want me to say/show those things to her, so i have to not only hold them in, but watch as she incorrectly thinks i've pulled back. double, triple whammy.

i have no choice. no options. no say. no control. no influence. if i don't let her walk away, she'll suffer more and more, withdraw more and more from everything. and she'll stay where she is. and i'll have no chance of the future i want. and if i let her walk away, there's still a very good chance i'll never see the future i want. but at least there's a slim chance.

i have to give up all hope of everything i want. and help her turn her attention and affection back to him, to her life with him. help her enjoy him again. help her enjoy her life with him again. help her stay in the life she's chosen to be in for 8 years, the life she's chosen everyday for the last two years over the possibility of what she might find with me.

as her friend, it's what i would do. should do. will do. in the end, no matter what she chooses, she'll be happy. that's important. it's what i want too. as her wanna be lover, i'll either wind up ecstatically happy. or despondantly empty.

i just hope that if/when she chooses to stay in the life she's in that she'll still have some room for me to stay in her life. i don't know that's possible though, because if she stays, she'll need and want to be there, to be focused there, and I and all I represent would just be a distraction.

this is the first day of the rest of her life.

i wonder if it's the first day of the end of my life?

sometimes the emotion, the overwhelming sense of loss just creeps up and takes over. i tried to explain it to her when i wrote this:

my life will always be less for not having you than having you as my lover/partner/whatever. after having found -this-, i never imagined having to give it up. i guess part of it is having to realize that it's not the same for you as it is for me.... that you'll be quite happy in a life w/o me, that you don't need -me- to be happy, that you may already have it, or can find it elsewhere... feels so right, always felt so right i never even imagined that maybe it wasn't right for you. sometimes i'm not sure if it's a blow to my ego that i'm not what you want and other times it's just so ?shocking? that -i- could feel it so strongly but it not be mutual

wondering

waiting. for what?

time to pass, i suppose.

wondering if i'm going to make it.

the weight of silence

this is what it's gonna feel like. well, a taste of it anyway.

i suspect i pissed her off this morning with something i said. and all morning she's had no time for me. no interest in talking. or maybe she just had a really good night with him last night and she doesn't want to spoil it by talking to me.

i'm struggling under the weight of her silence, her coldness, her snubbing. it feels hard to breathe, like my chest is constricted. i can't concentrate. i stare at the im window, trying to -will- her to want me. or even to want to say something to me.

how much worse will it be when she doesn't respond to me at all? when she doesn't sign in for days on end, doesn't answer my emails, doesn't call?

macabre thoughts

Don't call the police, emergency services or the guys in the white coats. these are just thoughts.

random thoughts.

last night i was holding a piece of metal rod i took from a hobby item. it was about 20" long and thin (2-56 or about 1/8" in diameter). threaded on one end. as i was holding it in my hands i wondered if it would be possible to put it in one ear, push it through my head and out the other ear. would it hurt? would my consciousness alter as it went thru my brain? i think it'd miss the medula oblongata, so i don't think death would be immediate. would there be flashes of color? would old memories pop up? would senses be affected? is it possible there'd be no noticeable effect other than probable loss of hearing? what would they say in the ER?

i wonder if your life really does flash in front of your eyes in the moments before you die?

i've been in two accidents in the last few years. not so much in the last one (although it did occur) but in the first one, there was some definite time distortion. in the ?4? seconds from the time the first car hit me until the second did, time slowed waaaaay down. or maybe it's just that your thoughts speed way up? so where in that process does your mind switch from processing what you're seeing and experiencing to reviewing your life? does the brain make an evaluation that you're about to die, that there's no point in processing sensory input anymore, and then switches to more ?enjoyable? stuff?

if you shoot yourself in the head, does it hurt? do you hear the shot? does your consciousness just -end- or does it explode into pieces of thought before disappating forever?

when you drown, does your life just -stop-? or are you aware, once your lungs fill with water, that you're not getting air? do you keep trying to breathe, pushing water in and out, until asphyxia takes you? is there some brain function that recognizes "hey, i'm gonna die" and shuts off?

what emotion is this?

i'm angry, so angry. all the time. and sad.

i'm angry that life is unfair. that a love could be so important to one and not to the other. i'm angry that she doesn't want me. angry that i'm falling farther down the priority list. angry that she could just turn her back on it, this.

maybe not "angry". mad? upset? frustrated? and not with her, she is as she should be. i believe that we can't control who we love. just sad it's not me.

already we have less and less time. no time for watching things we talk about watching, no time to read, no time to talk, no time to email or im. as she turns more and more back to her life and starts enjoying that again and getting more and more involved in it, there'll be even less.

until... what? until there's none?

what'll i do then? when i cease to exist for her, will i cease to exist?

i hope so.

what's the point?

what's the point?

spinning the wheel

i'm standing neck deep in molasses. i can barely move.

mostly i can watch the world go by.

i have no control over anything. i'm the kid in the car seat. spinning the wheel, beeping the horn, flashing the lights on my little pseudo-car, my actions have no influence on the direction of my life.

i need to get back to my home state (home - there's an interesting concept, one which i don't feel applies to me anymore, anywhere) to see my daughter. it's been too long since i've seen her, not that she cares or notices.

i've been talking about, thinking about, meaning to make my reservations for weeks. i can't seem to do it.

i can't stand the thought of being so close to B - when she still has no interest in seeing me. lunch is all i asked for, just a couple of hours. she can't, won't. i can't stand the pain of being so close yet being no closer. it's stupid, i know. i know she doesn't understand my feelings, how much it hurts that she keeps her distance.

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

not so much happiness. lots of tears.

time flies. and then it's too late. and then you're dead.

B

B.

nothing else.

there is nothing else.

loneliness

we were talking a little bit about loneliness this morning.

it occurs to me that there are two kinds of being alone.

there's being by yourself. and there's being lonely - without someone; -that- someone.

being by yourself is fine. everyone's alone in this way at some time, probably a lot of the time. it could be as "immediate" as being in the office alone or spending an evening alone, without anyone else around. in many ways, i prefer being alone. certainly i prefer it to constantly being with people just for the sake of not being alone. alone time can be good time, recharge time.

being without someone is different. you can be lonely, as in without someone, in the middle of a crowd. when that special someone that you want to be with isn't there (either because you haven't found them yet or because they don't feel the same way about you or because they're just not attainable), -that's- being lonely.

being alone (type 1) is a constantly changing state. people come and go throughout your day, your week, your month, your life, all the time. this kind of alone time is something you look forward to, time to recharge, think, relax in peace, just chill. watch the sunset. read. think. sit in quiet.

being lonely (type 2) is so completely different. there's only one cure for lonely - "that someone". you can cure being alone by just finding people to be around, even if it's something as impersonal as work or a restaurant or a crowded place. but you can't just call someone up to go have a beer with to cure being lonely. you have to find them, or they have to find you. there has to be a spark, a connection, a mutual acknowledgement. both have to reach across the quiet chasm else you're still lonely.

put the two kinds of lonely together... phew! the effect is more than the sum of the parts. this is when people get really depressed. desperate.

when you're lonely, being alone is ofttimes better than being with people. especially when the other people aren't lonely in their lives. when they have someone, it just makes your own solitude, your own "alone-ness" so much more obvious, so much more heavy to bear. it makes the emptiness of your own life so much more apparent. so much harder to avoid looking at. so much more painful. especially when you know "the one", know what could be, but are powerless to affect anything.

and what of a future where loneliness is the only foreseeable future? the only path open before you?

with loneliness and being alone and being able to observe people not alone but never being able to fix your own alone-ness... what do you do with that?

what's the point of a future like that?

two seconds. over and over

i relive the same two seconds about 50 times a day.

two short seconds that are comprised of about a hundred thoughts and a roller coaster of emotion.

they're not always the same step by step, but the gist of it is always the same. starts and ends in the same place.

her. B. warmth. love. beauty. my heart fills. something about her pops to the forefront of my consciousness; a snippet of conversation, a picture, an email, an event. sometimes an -entire- saturday conversation pops up and it feels like i relive it in its entirety in one second. i'm suffused with warmth and love and connection. and then reality. she won't meet me. him. her and him in their life. phones. email. the distance. then back to love. desire. my soulmate. distance. her pulling back to look at her life. the painful realization that she'll probably never meet me. her. her being, her presence surrounds me, buoys me. the sound of her voice saying my name. hearing her say "i love you". hearing her say "fuck you". her face, her laugh.

and at the end of it, i'm alone. she's with me, still. as much of her as she'll let me have. i'm warmed and lifted and smiling. and off to the side of me, visible and in my sight (but maybe if i don't think about it it'll go away) is the knowledge that she's not mine, that i'll never hold her, kiss her, smell her, feel her in my arms.

the greater good

the greater good. the interests of the one against the interests of the many.

looking back, i have to wonder if sacrificing myself wouldn't have been better for so many other people.

it seemed like a good idea at the time. my ex and my friend both talked to me about depression. i began to see and accept that, yeah, i was probably depressed. with their encouragement, i sought treatment - drugs and therapy.

i got better.

i destroyed lives in the process.

okay, maybe destroyed is a little dramatic. certainly, i've upset for the worse several lives. my ex, my daughter, my ex-family.

most of all my B. my beloved B.

i was better. i finally felt i was out of the pit of black that had surrounded me for so long. i'd found B. she lit me, lit my world. she made my heart race. she still does.

and yet, all the people i've ever cared about have ultimately suffered by my being released from depression.

even though it would mean never having known B, if i could, i would go back and refuse treatment. whatever good B may have gotten from knowing me has been offset by the harm i've caused her sense of self. i may have still hurt my family because eventually i may have suicided or run away or just given up.

but i wouldn't have hurt B.

the knowledge that i did that is too much to bear. the pain and defeat and hurt i hear in her voice. when i weigh that against how we were at one time, how we -could- be, given the chance, i realize that ...

i've hurt B, the woman i love more than i've ever loved anyone, more than i've ever hurt anyone else.

what a nice legacy. what a nice gift to give to my beloved.

now ... what?

maybe i should just go away, disappear.

i've brought nothing but pain to the lives of everyone i've cared about. my ex, my daughter, my (ex-) family, and most of all to B. my beloved B.

when we met, she was vibrant, alive, sexual, erotic. our relationship seemed to enhance her life. it certainly enhanced mine. she seemed to have found what she was looking for. g-d knows i found what was missing in my life.

and then it turned out that her having me in her life started to drain all the life from her. bf found out. sex with him became a hated chore. she began having to live with distrust and accusations and constantly being watched. she withdrew from him, from life, from me. the more she withdrew from me the more frantic and upset i became. the more upset and frantic i became the more she withdrew.

she needs time to evaluate her life without the distraction of what -our- life might be like together. she has less time for me. she's turning back to her life with him. i'm asked to give up the hope, the possibility of everything i want - her. she may spend months or longer evaluating what she wants. in the end, she wins because she'll get exactly what she wants (which she could have now). i can either win (if she chooses to include me in her life and future) or lose (if she stays with him or leaves us both). in the meantime, i have to give her up. give up having her close now, and the hope of the future. plus remove from her sight all that i/her/we -could- be, so that in the months she spends evaluating what it is she wants, that won't even be in front of her; she may not even remember it. so how could that life, her and i, even be a choice if she doesn't remember it?

the deck is stacked against me. against the future i want. yet it has to happen that way because to continue in the way we are will cause her to lose herself, her identity. completely. then she's lost to herself, to him, to me, to the world. and that cannot happen. there are people who's lives she's yet to grace, friendships she's yet to form, people who's lives will be forever changed for the better by having known her, possibly children yet to be born to a wonderful mother. the person that is B hasn't yet made her mark on the world. her time is in the future. my mark has been made, my sorrow spread, my damage done. her ship is yet to sail; i wait for the waters to lap over the gunwales.

if i didn't have financial obligations to my ex and my daughter, i think i'd just disappear. everyone would be better off. i'd still be dead inside but at least i wouldn't be dragging anyone else down with me.

especially not my beloved B.

if i can stay strong for a few weeks it may give B the leg up she needs. she doesn't really need anything from me or anyone else but right now she's not sure she has the strength she needs. she does. but if she can pull strength and support from me (or him or work or wherever) until she feels right again, then she'll be able to finish the task ahead of her on her own. i just need to stay strong for her, for awhile. i need to keep the appearance of strength for her, even as my future and my dream dies; as everything inside dies. when she's standing strong again, when she realizes she doesn't need me anymore, then i can .. fade. and she can live her life again as the woman i met two years ago.

a letter to B

hi..

i want to tell you how i feel, what's going on inside me..

last night and this morning (and now) i feel... great. wonderful. you, your image, your being, your voice, all that i have of you that is you floats in my consciousness. i see you, hear you, feel you. we're happy again. i hear you laugh.

even just in our short conversation, i feel ?rejuvenated?. hard to explain. when you ?come back to me? it lifts me. i'm happy again. i'm positive. i feel "i can do this" (meaning continue living). it sounds corny, but the world is a better place when i know you're in it.

our talk last night and last week both encourage me and frighten me. whatever happens in a few months, you'll be happy, you'll have chosen a life, you'll be able to put all the uncertainty and pain behind you. for that i'm happy.

i'm scared too because i know that at the end of those few months (which will seem so long looking forward to them and when they are past and i'm waiting for your answer, will seem to have flown by), my future will be decided. i will either have the woman and the life i want or i will know that i have to find a future life alone. even that's okay, because if that's my future, i'll still have you for my best friend, and i can take comfort in knowing that you're happy.

in the meantime, i'm looking forward to us having good, fun times again. to rediscovering each other, to enjoying again all the things that make us who we are. do you know what i mean?

i'm happy thinking about you. and about us having fun again, being friends again. there are, and will be, times when i look past the us now and see the us that i want and know that it's not happening now, that we're missing out, and that we may never have it. and it makes me so, so sad. to my core. and sometimes it's hard for me to get back from that.

but for now, i'm happy.

i'm glad you're in my life B. more than you know.

me

and even though i may not have told you in a while,

i want you.

very, very much.

lost. but hopeful.

lost. but hopeful.

alone. yet i feel she's always with me. i want to believe that i'm with her when she's away in her life.

yet to hope that isn't to give her the distance that she needs now.

it feels like i have to open my heart and let her leave. maybe more like she's opening the door to her heart and i have to leave her.

maybe not forever. maybe just for awhile. but it might be forever.

will she invite me back in? in her heart is where i want to be, where i feel i belong. she's in mine and always will be. what if she doesn't want to come back?

how can i do this? yet for her, how can i not?

now i remember what it means to be alone.

about four years ago i realized i was pretty much alone. then i found B. and i thought i'd never be alone again. how could i, how could anyone ever be alone if they had someone like B in their life? someone who knew them so well, often better than they even knew themselves? someone that you could love so completely, so without reservation, so ?wholly?.

g-d i miss her...

and now?

it could be soon - any minute, or not for another three or four hours.

the moment i've been waiting for since tuesday. the moment i've been living in fear of since tuesday.

her call.

it'll come, sooner or later, of that i'm sure.

but after our talk on tuesday.... i'm not sure where she'll be, where she'll be calling from. it's been five long days. and before that we barely talked once in four days. but she's a woman of action - once she sets her mind to something, consider it done. and knowing her, she's wasted no time getting her life back in order.

i'm not even sure what i'm dreading, because it's gonna happen, if it hasn't already. she's turning back to her life there. i'm out of the game. not an option. she's focusing on her life with him, her relationship with bf, to the exclusion of anything else. ie, me.

in the end it'll be better for her. she'll either decide/learn to be happy there, or decide that she can't be and move on.

better for her. the end of hope for me.

in whatever way i can, however she'll let me or call on me for help, i'll help her get there. i'll get the joy of seeing my best friend come back to life, renew her relationship, start enjoying life again. and all it costs me is the woman i love. but i can't have her anyway. so i can either keep trying to (never) have her and keep us both unhappy or accept my loss and at least help her get back to being happy.

she's my friend and i love her. i love her with all my heart -and- she's my friend.

i want her happy.

her. here.

she's here... but ...

recent events have caused her to start thinking about her life. i guess that's a good thing, because i've often said i want her to do so rather than just let the years drift by. but i'm very scared that the ultimate outcome will be not what i wan. well, that's not quite right - what i want is that she be honest with herself and choose the life she wants. that -she- -wants-. to not be influenced by doing what's best for him or doing other than what's best for her so as to not hurt him. what i hope for is that she chooses a life with me.

she thinks she's never given her and bf a fair chance, never worked at it. she's been there 8 years!! if the first few weren't enough of a fair shot, then what? she's said that he's just not capable of giving her some of the things she wants from a relationship and from a partner - so what good would another shot do? if those things are things she really wants, then there's no chance of it working. even worse, what if other things become more bearable but she still doesn't have the things she wants? now she'll feel more trapped and she still won't leave.

i fight for her because i don't have a choice. she may tell herself that i'm not what or who she wants (and i may not be), but she IS the one for me.

and i am so scared that i will lose her.

and why won't she give us just the -slightest- bit of a fair chance? just a single face to face.. aren't we worth that much??

is this the end?

i feel like i'm sitting on death row waiting to hear if the governor has issued a pardon.

will she be back today? or is she done with me?

how can she be done? does she not feel all that makes us special and unique and different? what does he have that is so much more? what parts of their life together hold her so strongly?

i have erred so many times and in so many ways... but i've never wanted to do anything other than love her. i've always wanted to show her (and learn with her) what a real love could be like, what the relationship between two people who know and understand each other so well, who love each other so unquestioningly, so completely, could be. instead she chooses to stay in a relationship where she's numb to all feeling. where she doesn't get the mental and emotional stimulation that she craves.

why?

instead she'll live the average american life: she'll go through thousands of days with a man she doesn't really love living an unfulfilling life. in ten or fifteen years she'll decide she's had enough and leave, regretting not having done it years earlier.

she'll be me.

and neither of us will have had the life we could have had.

nothing

baby... where are you?

i have no real reason to think she's really gone. her email said she'd be back in the office tomorrow.

i just have a feeling. there's an iron fist around my heart. there's no future.

why do i feel this?

how do i make it till tomorrow to see if she's coming back?

if she's not back tomorrow, how do i make it till next monday to see if she'll come back then?

if she's not back then, how do i make it?

baby.. please.. if you're out there .. please come back

please

nothing

why won't she call me, email me, something???

has he finally won completely? if so, he wins nothing - because he already had everything. and he doesn't even know he's won.

have i finally completely lost? if so, i lose everything. everything.

everything.

b, where are you??

please, i beg you ... call, write, something... please find a way

please don't leave.

don't run.

don't go.

please

where are you???

where are you b??

please come back, please call me, please...

please don't leave..

i feel this terrible dread that she's gone. completely. that i'll never hear from her again..

i can't eevn think straight... how can this be? please tell me this isn't happening...

how can i live a life empty of her? without her laugh, her presence in my life??

why would i want to?

b, if you're out there, please, please, please come back

i don't know...

i'm so confused...

i got a very short email... with a quick recap of what happened friday..


but... somethings not right...

too many other things that seem ... off...

why won't she call?

i feel it... lost... she's gone..

i know it...

waiting for the drawer to open

the near and distant future of my life is being decided, or has already been decided, by events and people a thousand miles away.

she's up, starting her day, getting ready for work. what's her world like now? was it a tense, argumentative weekend? was he at her with accusations and comments all weekend? did they argue all weekend or was it over friday night? did she do her best to smooth it over? did she get them past the friday incident or did she get their life together smoothed out? has she decided to stay? or to go? or is she still going to just go along day to day, numb to life, unfeeling, unwanting?

has she lost more of herself? have we lost us? has she lost us?

i wonder if i kid myself when i think thoughts like "I know i'd be good for her. I know that together we'd have a great life, a phenomenal relationship". does she think these things? -am- i kidding myself? i can't believe so though... the feelings i have for her are too real, too strong, too pervasive through every minute of my life, every thought, every action.

now what?

this is bad.

we're talking after work. it wasn't going great but we were starting to get some communication going. suddenly she says something - i wasn't sure, but thought i heard bf's name, then lots of commotion. it sounded like she threw the phone into a drawer.

which is exactly, as it turns out, what she did.

i listened for several minutes, occasionally catching a snippet of conversation.

i heard him yelling at her for not being able to get her on her cell phone.

"...trying to call you every two minutes on your cell.... what are you hiding... "

he very clearly and distinctly said her name.

there was a lot of noise, like desk drawers being opened and closed.

i never heard her voice so i'd guess she was in the outer part of the office making for the door while he was in her office looking around. she must have turned out the lights and been trying to get him to leave because he said "... why'd you turn out the lights.... what are you trying to keep me from finding?.... i said gimme two minutes...".

and then there was a very systematic series of loud noises which sounded like the drawers in the desk where the phone was hidden being opened, shuffled through, then closed. it was pretty obvious (and scary) when the drawer with the phone was opened. but he didn't find it.

then there was silence. i continued to listen for another 20 or 30 minutes, hoping she might come back, but i'm sure that she got him to leave and they were gone for the weekend.

i can only imagine what kind of weekend she's going to have. my heart aches for her.

this will be an eternally long weekend for me and an even longer one for her.

for me, i fear that she's fighting, begging to keep that relationship alive. and because it's 2-1/2 days until we talk again, she'll be mentally pushing me further and further away, shedding me like sand bags of ballast to keep the balloon afloat. mentally, emotionally she's pulling away, leaving the chasm between us wider than ever before.

for her, i fear even more. she's already battered and beaten, emotionally, psychically. she's withdrawing even more. this beautiful, vibrant, alive woman is being crushed by the turmoil around her.

i'm her friend and i'm not helping. worse than not helping, i'm a major factor in why she's being crushed.

now what?

i wait for her... we have so much to talk about and so little time

i wait for her.

i watch the minutes tick by on the clock (over a hundred so far) as i wait for her to come back to my world, to invite me back into hers.

with each minute i wonder "what is she doing -right now-?".

we have so much to talk about.

so little time.

there's so much future ahead of us.

if we can get there.

the slow, speedy crawl of time

time, and the flow of time, is so non-linear. it seems pretty well accepted that time passes quicker as you get older. certainly the younger you are, the longer a day, a week, a year seems. when you're in your late 20's and you look ahead, you can't really see the end - it's 50 or more years away.. an eternity of life left.

when you get to be middle aged, the single biggest change in perception, for me anyway, has been the recognition of my own mortality. fully -half- of my life is gone. i can see the end. it's real, it's seeable, it's not that far away. when you're young and you look back to the early part of your life, it seems close and the end seems so far away. from here, in the middle, i can see each end equally well.

also, when you look forward, a year seems so long. getting up, going to bed 365 times, turning the calendar 12 times, celebrating anniversaries. take that same year and look back and it's soooo short. it was here and now it's gone.

since i've known b, two of my years have passed. two full years. two years that, if we should ever get together, we can never get back. if we got together today and it's my destiny to die in two more years, those two lost years would have been HALF of our time together. gone.

while talking to b i remembered a conversation we had about a year ago... we were talking about the upcoming year, maybe what might or might not happen during it, maybe i was remembering a comment she made that before she left she'd take about a year to 'get things in order', accounts, property, whatever.

a year ago i thought that by the end of this year we'd be together, or would have at least met. it seemed like such a long time in the future. and now it's almost gone. another year. and she said that -once she decided- to leave, it could take a year for her to get things in order. she hasn't decided. it doesn't seem like she's any closer to even thinking about deciding. so that remote possibility is pushed out another year. and that's if she decided today. which she's not.

another year spent without her. another year spent loving someone i've never seen, may never see, but who i know is the one for me. another year where she chose him every single day. every day. out of 365 decisions, not once did she decide to see me. not to be my partner, not to be my lover, not to meet for lunch, not to let me see her smile at me.

perhaps i should be bitter but i'm not. i've been told i should wake up. my only regret, my truest, deepest regret is the passage of each day. because if she should ever decide to see me or be with me, none of those days can be recovered, each precious day lost. she tells me sometimes that she feels that i think that what she gives me is never enough. to a degree that's true - because i want all of her. i know in my heart that we belong together. but to be honest, the things she's taught me about myself, and love, and what it's like to truly love someone, and how much joy the right person can bring to your life are more than enough to get from anyone. do i want more? yes. i want all of her. but only if she wants me. and i have to face the fact that i may not be the one for her.

he goes through each day with her as though it's just another day, not knowing. not knowing her, not knowing her unhappiness, not knowing the hold he has on her, not even aware that every day she chooses their life together over whatever i can offer, over whatever anyone else can offer. i pray each day that she'll come back to me, bring me back into her life. i pray that someday she'll trust me enough, want me enough to want to meet me.

everyday i wait for her return. everyday i hope i can please her just a little. when she opens herself to me and lets me feel just some of the love that's in her, it sends me soaring. then a part of me is sad that i'm not enough of what she wants to pull all of her away, sad that another day that we could have had together has passed. and at the end of every day she chooses him again, goes home to him, goes to the life she lives.

my heart breaks and i cry. for my loss and for hers, because i would be good for her. i feel it, i know it. of all the people in her life that she knows, of all the people that she comes into contact with and never know her other than for a moment or an evening, of all the people she could ever cross lives with, i'm the one who carries this love for her. no one cares for her more, no one knows her like i do. and while no one is let in like i am, no one is kept out like i am either.

and when she leaves me today my heart will break. and i'll mourn another day lost forever that we'll never be able to get back. and i'll pray that tomorrow she lets me back into her life.

and through it all, i'll love her. as i have, as i do, as i will.

to be touched

she touches my heart, my being, my soul.

she touches me in ways i never thought possible.

without a look or a smile or a touch she touches me.

what would it be like in person? what would it be like to be her partner, her lover, her soulmate?

when she touches me nothing else matters.

with soft words and softness of tone, she reaches through me and touches my very soul.


how can she have such effect on me?


how can it be that our lips will never touch, that our eyes will never look into each others'?

how can this be? how could nature, the universe, g-d, allow this to happen? how could they allow a love like this to never be fulfilled?

strictly personal reasons

why won't you trust me b?

the thing that's in motion now actually removes much of the ?threat? of anyone wondering who i am if i were to call - because they'd know me as a business contact.

so after removing the possibility of arousing any suspicions at work....

the reason(s) to stay hidden must be deeper, strictly personal.

i thought one of the reasons for not telling me your number was to prevent anyone from being ?suspicious? and maybe mentioning something to bf about another guy calling you... but all this would give me -complete- ?validity? for calling, at least for a while (longer, if the co. actually -used- my services, which i would bank all the money and use if for trips to see you...)... so the core reason(s) to stay hidden have to be much more personal... not wanting me to know you, being scared i'll screw up your life with bf, just scared of me personally, or all the above... no matter, ultimately, because i still want you in my life... it hurts, but on the other hand, it's okay too. i understand, and then again i don't. i NEED you to let me in, but i know that for as long as you don't i'll still be here.

elation

last night and this morning when i awoke, i was thinking about her (nothing unusual in that). she didn't feel well friday and she went home a little early. i thought about her all weekend, hoping that she was feeling better, but knowing that there was a chance that she might not come in today.

still, she's pretty tough and i didn't really expect her to be out today.

so when she called of course i was happy. happy to hear her, happy she's feeling better, even though not happy that she's still not over it.

we talked.

i wish i could explain, put into words, what that's like for me. she's a drug. and i cannot get enough of her. when we reconnect for the first time like this, i can feel, physically feel myself getting elated. i feel myself speeding up. my mood soars, even if it was good before. i'm like the kid who got to pick out the one present they most wanted in the world and i can see them bringing it to me from the back of the store. i -know- what it is, what i'm getting. it's what i want. and the elation that i feel as i hear her and talk to her is just... amazing.

she is what i want.

my entire being smiles.

if only i could smile with her. wake up to her. hold her.

i wonder if she smiles the same way for him.

i wonder if she smiles the same way for me.

she's back in my world again.

life is good.

meeting. meetings.

it's a good day. she's close (i feel close to her, not the other way around). she's distracted with work issues. we've talked; good talk, good interaction. but she's busy and distracted and not available.

this is where i start to get ?fuzzy?. i'm ready for her, waiting for her. i know she's busy and i know that doesn't mean she's distant or forgotten about me or any of that. still... i'm ready for her.

i want to see her. i need to see her. it's time. i think -we- need it. but i can't push her, can't convince her of the rightness of it, can't even try to convince her lest i set her completely against it. she has to come to the conclusion/decision herself - but i don't think she ever thinks about it. it's not high on her list of important things to think about and frankly, with all that's going on in her life, i don't blame her. but that doesn't mean i don't think about it, or that i don't want to convince her, or that it's not important to me, or that i don't still believe that it would so immeasurably change our relationship for the better, remove so much stress from us.

we've brushed on it. i need to make a trip back to see my daughter in December, so i'll be close. i hesitate to bring it up or push the issue, yet how can i not? it's too important. even so i steel myself against the rejection, her refusal to want to see me.

that's what really hurts. that she says she wants to but doesn't want to enough to do it. rejection, again. choosing him again. choosing but not me.

by her own admission it's something she'd look forward to. she knows how i feel about it.

it's just lunch B. just lunch. just talk, just us becoming real.

but still i steel myself.

--------

with any luck, i may actually be able to (finally!!!) do something of value for her. a business issue discovered yesterday that i may be able to give her something that will help her with her partners and the running of her business. finally.

her. me.

it started yesterday. and with a good evening with her, then a fantasyful night, a good morning and great conversation this morning, it's really blossomed full bloom.

she's been with me, sexually.

last night i watched a video of a party. even though the thought of her there killed me, the erotic side of it and her and i, the thoughts of how she enjoyed it, will enjoy it again, of how it'd be if we could enjoy it together.. these thoughts are good and welcome.

then today, after our long talks, she was -here- with me. those talks left me warm and comfortable and close. i reread an email i sent her not long ago about my conference table. and that reminded me of the time recently when she wore a skirt for me and brought things to the office and even though we didn't get to play then, it's a good memory.

that day i'd teased her with references to something hanging behind my office door, something not as simple as what she'd brought, which i knew was what she'd think. i started writing it up, with the intent of sending it to her. i want to send it to her, want to share it with her.

the old me, the one she was attracted to, the one she lusted, would speak up to her about sex anytime the mood struck. i'm so close to doing it all the time, then hold back because i know she's not in the mood. and i'm not sure i'm enough to tempt her anymore.

but right now, i want her so much.

so much it hurts.

but truth of the matter is i always want her. that much and more.

much, much more.

her touch

her touch calms me. sates me.

it's all i want - her. her voice, her laugh, her attention, her love, her lust.

just her.

when she touches me i am happy.

soon...

finally. it seemed like today would never get here. and now that it's here i worry about her - will she get here?

i know she'll get here, but how? will she be anxious to be back to me? will she be anxious to get into her office, drop everything and call? or will she be anxious to get back to the office and get started on the things she didn't get to on Friday and Monday and get to me in a couple of hours when she takes a break and happens to think about it?

have they fixed it up this weekend?

sometimes i wonder if she even remembers me until she gets back to work. five days and not once did she have 5 mins alone to call for a quick "hi"? in -five- days? (four and a half.. so i'm rounding, tuff.) but i knew she wouldn't. she almost never does on regular weekends and this weekend i was with someone. she hasn't called me on a weekend in quite a while.

quite a while.

and we've been having less and less time during the day too. is this part of a cycle or is she winding us down? is she tired of this? or decided to stay?

i can't do anything about it no matter what it is. i can only enjoy having her in my life, whatever part of her she'll give me, until she takes it away. after that, when that happens, nothing much will matter anyway.

in the meantime, i wait for her. anxious, excited at her return. i want to hear her voice, her laugh, find out how she's been.

just her presence makes me so happy, fills me with.. life. i used to do that for her.

soon she'll be back. not soon enough, but soon.

the pall settles

i've fought it since yesterday, maybe saturday. i've had images, thoughts, visions of her; her life, her party(parties?) all of the moments that make up her day, her weekend, her week, her life.

i wanted to call her alter ego today to see if she was in the office but i didn't. what difference would it make? suppose she too was out of the office. suppose it confirmed for me that she and b were one and the same, then what? it wouldn't make her want me any more (probably less), it wouldn't make her love me any more, it wouldn't make it more likely that she'd let me into her life, wouldn't make it more likely she'd leave bf, wouldn't put a picture on my desk, wouldn't change anything.

i thought about her and identity and coincidence and all that a lot this afternoon. and slowly, through the fog, it came to me. i know why she won't meet me, why she won't open herself up to me, why she's still in a relationship that she doesn't seem to want to be in.

she's married to him.

not figuratively. actually. she once told me that the alterego woman was married. i took it as a fact that didn't fit what i knew, took it as a contributing proof that b and this alter ego were not one and the same.

and like a pall of smoke from a not too distant forest fire will slowly creep in and blot out the sun, so this has come over me. she's married to bf. he's not bf, he's "husband". it explains why she won't this and won't that and more than anything, why she stays.

she's married.

and i'd expect no less from her. she'll stay with it until there's no alternative. she's not a quitter, even if quitting is what she thinks would be best for her.

which means: i'm alone. and she's alone. there is -no- B in my future. no B, no chance of B.

she's loyal, even if she's not happy.

and she'll stay. no matter what.

so she'll live out her days unhappy. as will i. unhappy and alone.

making do with someone else.

fuck.

who wants that?

not me.

she's married.

fuck.

funny. i thought the dog parable was so insightful, so intuitive, so.. meaninful. it's not. it's just more crap from a lonely mans mind. a man wishing he could have a woman that he can't have. a woman that he thinks wants him too.

but she's married. she has a husband.

she sure doesn't need me.

it's almost over

Its almost over. Just one more day and she'll be back in my world. I keep hearing her words: "even though we're not right in front of each other it doesn't mean we're not there with each other".

I wonder if she means that? Does she hold me with her even when we're apart? Even when we're apart for so long? Or do I (we?) fade from her thoughts when she leaves the office for the day or weekend?

I've spent time away this weekend. It was fun, no doubt. But even so, B was never far from my thoughts. She never is.

And today she's home with -him- and together they're dealing with the dogs' health issues. Here's where I start to feel bad.

I know what it's like to have a sick pet. They're friend, companion, part of the family and having to deal with their illness is stressful. And when I think about her dealing with it the next thing that comes to mind is that -he'll- be there for her, he'll be there to comfort her and hold her. And that will bring them closer as they go through this chapter of their life together.

and no matter how much i may feel that the parable of the dog might apply to her life (or maybe no matter how much i -wish- it was a mirror of her life), it's just wishful thinking on my part.

and again i'm brought back to the cold reality that she doesn't want me to know her, who she is, doesn't really want me a part of her real world, her real life, doesn't want to be lovers enough to make it so, doesn't want me to even see her smile... and that what is today is likely to be what there is, period.

a lifetime without her.

lonely days

i miss you b.

she's out of the office today for meetings and out again monday for personal reasons.

i miss not having her to talk to. i'm -okay- (right now anyway.. come sunday and especially monday it might be a very different proposition), but it's lonely without her in my day. even if only to chat with for a few minutes, and an occasional IM.

i admit to being a little peeved that she didn't think she could find a few minutes to call today. it makes me feel like it's not important to her. yes, she'll be with a business partner, but .. so? and she won't even make the effort to call over the weekend because I'll be visiting someone out of town. and monday she won't try because she'll be with bf most of the day.

fuck.

the thought occurred to me to check to see if the other person (that i think she is) is in the office today. but truthfully, i don't care. what would it gain me? i don't care. if she wanted me to know she would tell me. and she doesn't want me to know. she still wants to be hidden from me. protected from me, from any chance of me intruding on her life. it makes me very sad to think that, but it's the truth. and me knowing everything about her wouldn't make her seeing me any more likely. so i have to take what she's given me, know that there'll probably never be any more than that, and live with it. i still can't reconcile her loving and wanting me with her needing (STILL needing) to hide from me, but again, it doesn't really matter if i can reconcile it or not. it's what she wants.

I still wish she'd want me to have a picture though. -something- of her.

g-d, it's gonna be a long time till tuesday. such a very long time.

i miss you b. hurry back.

weekend? more like a leave of absence

she's out of the office all day tomorrow. then another (fucking!!) weekend. and she's out of the office on monday too.

almost five days.

i was doing well. even up till mid day today. and as her departure today gets inexorably closer, i feel it.

it's not panic (though it sometimes feels like that). it's not fear (although i still fear she may resolve her relationship issues with him and never really come back). it's not anger (i know she has a life beyond -me-.. and truthfully, i'm the least real part of her life).

it's jealousy (that he gets her, this weekend and everyday, every morning, every night). it's loneliness (i have so much love to give her but she won't be with me). it's despair (that this weekend is just a sample of the thousands of days to come in my life that will be spent without her). it's sadness (for myself, that she doesn't feel for me, doesn't love me like i love her, doesn't want to be with me like i want to be with her, doesn't feel the need to be with me like i feel the need to be with her). it's regret (that having found -her-, fate has conspired to keep us apart by giving her one she loves instead).

i know i'll live through these next five days. just like i'll live, somehow, through the rest of my life spent without her by my side.

so unfair.

so long i've waited for her, waited to find her. wasn't even sure what i was looking for until i found her.

i can reach out my hand but can't quite touch her. my heart calls to her but isn't loud enough to be heard. i wave to her frantically but i can't get her attention.

strength. strength is what's needed now. i have to be here for her during this time and the months to come. later, when she's happy again, when she's found herself again, then i'll grieve for my loss.

how can i complain about -anything-???

this seems to be the week for eye opening reflection.

the insights into our relationship (and me) from talking to B earlier this week.

and now thinking about her and her dog - i'm seeing so much. when you only look at your life in a mirror, all you see is yourself, and you miss all the rest of the world. you especially miss the people that make your world worth living in. like her.

how can g-d, fate, the universe, whatever you want to call it, put this too on her, now?

i've been wallowing in self-pity, living in "woe-is-me-coz-she-won't-have-me" land. truth of the matter is, i have nothing really to complain about. i don't have a wife or a family or a home - but that's all of my own doing. i don't have the love i want, the lover i want, B, but i never had a claim to her anyway. i have no real troubles in my life. i work, i go home. i make enough money to pay my obligations and still live comfortably enough. there are almost no demands on my time other than work. i pretty much do what i want when i want, with little consideration for how it affects others, because almost nothing i do really does affect others. if i were to die or disappear, there would be barely a ripple in the daily lives of very few people.

and she is shouldering so much right now. all the stress that i've put on her, pressure to be with me and everything related to that. her unhappiness in her relationship with bf, with her home life. uncertainty about what she should do about me, him, her life. crap at work with partners that contribute only a fraction of the energy and devotion and work to the business that she does. and now this - her dog.

fuck. i wish i could take some of the load off of her. she won't come to me, but i can be here for her anyway.

too many times during conversations and other troubled periods of our time together, i've slapped her in the face by saying or doing things so completely self-centered, so completely 'all about me'. not this time.

what she needs from me now is what i should have been to her all along - a friend. i need to pull back my heart from trying to attract her as a lover and just be here as her friend. forego my own needs and wants (for once!!) and be here as a source of comfort and strength for her and let her take from me whatever she wants or needs or will have.

she deserves no less.

so although she won't take me for her lover or partner, she does love me and she trusts me and she'll have me as her friend. and for once, perhaps i can give her what she wants, what she needs, what she deserves.

because she is my friend. because i want to ease her pain. because i love her.

the life of a dog - a mirror of life?...a parable

two become a couple. to celebrate their new life together, they acquire a puppy. the dog grows strong, healthy. it is a fun and vibrant life.

but inside this life something is wrong. a cancer grows. unseen at first. undetected. yet still it grows. there are small signs; a bump, a nodule, a growth. they have a "feeling", hard to discern, that something is amiss. unable to give its own words, the dog feels the growths, but has no words. the couple notices symptoms, pains, discomforts but, confident all is well, is unable or unwilling to accept the possibility that something is not right.

there are episodes where the pains are treated, the discomforts examined, poked, prodded, the symptoms eased for a while with treatment. superficial, topical treatment - new toys, new activities, changes in routine. for a while the pain subsides yet the cancer continues to grow.

finally the symptoms become unmistakeably obvious. unable to ignore the odd pains and lumps and bumps anymore, serious diagnosis is sought. the patient is ill, seriously, fatally ill. for the time being there is still life, love, vivaciousness. but the diagnosis and the ultimate outcome remain the same. those who loved this life, who were part of it, will mourn its passing. death and dying are never happy events, although it can be almost welcomed, if it brings a respite from pain to those involved. the survivors will move on, forever changed, forever touched by this life that was once shared and is now gone.

a death is not something to welcome, although it can bring a release, a relief, almost permission to move on. the death of anything alive and vibrant is a sad thing, whether a child, a parent, a lover, a pet .... or a relationship.

those outside the immediate will offer their condolences, shake their heads in sadness. there will be words of solace offered, perhaps even recriminations and blame. but there is no blame, no fault, no negligence. all things that grow, even those that for a time flourish, die. some before their apparent time. sometimes there are deep unknown differences which, ultimately, are not conducive to long life.

as the end nears and the poison spreads and the quality of life continues to erode, what do you do? do you hang on tightly, preserving this life, unwilling to admit its passing, doing anything, at any cost, to allow it to continue, perhaps to ease your own suffering, perhaps even at the cost of continued pain for the waning life? or do you hold it tenderly, thank it for the years of joy and pleasure, and kiss it as you end the suffering, allowing it to pass with dignity?

:-( fuck fuck fuck

fuck.

be strong. for her. for me. for us.

on top of all the turmoil in "us" lately, her dog is ill. she's a lot more upset than she lets on. and she's closing down, turning inward. i offer all that i can offer (not much, i know) but whatever consolation or understanding or support i can give her is here for her.

she won't take it. she's closing off, shutting down.

maybe she'll get comfort from bf, since they'll be handling this together. he better fucking be there for her and understand what she's feeling and going through, and give her the support and comfort she needs and will be looking for, because she won't tell him how she's feeling and how much she's hurting. he better fucking pick up on it, damn him.

he better fucking be there for her.

a slight glitch

okay.. there's a slight glitch.. she's got a mtg that'll run probably another two hours.

but she called to tell me, so that ?helped? (and otherwise i'd'a had problems probably, coz she just wouldn't have called or been available till then...

but even just the two minute conversation we had - it ?helped? maybe revitalized me? strengthened me?

i can do this.

funny - this morning after we talked, i felt like the me from two years ago, from our early days.

i liked it.

hurry back to me B... i'm waiting for ya..

it's fine

so far so good.

we had a nice (great!) talk this morning. i still feel it, her.

i feel almost ?jubilant?exhalted?.. certainly "content" (even though i'll never be truly content without having her)...

but i'm .. fine.. feel good. she sounded good too, which makes me very happy. very happy.

can't wait to talk to her again...

she's got a way about her

(apologies to Billy Joel...)

but she does. we had quite a talk last night. not our first deep one and certainly not our last. everytime we have a talk like this one, where we talk about us as individuals and us as -us- and all that goes with that, she confirms for me all that i think about her - that she is deep and complicated, sensitive and principled, self-aware and compassionate.

i don't 'get' human behavior - mine or others. most of the time it's a mystery to me why people do the things they do, even why -i- do the things i do. all my life i've been a pretty closed off guy, which i suppose is fairly typical. but no so with her; in fact, increasingly -less- closed off as time has gone by. to the point where she almost always knows what's at the heart of me, either because she can sense it or because i display it to her. i've known that my feelings and emotions were much more visible to her than to anyone else. i knew it and accepted it as a good thing (after all, isn't that what women always want? to be able to know a mans' feelings?). it even felt good to be so emotionally open and available to her.

she was able to explain to me how that affects her. i thought she'd ?appreciate? my openness and that it would be an enhancement to our relationship. in fact, she's not always positively affected by -so much- emotional openness. it sounds ?worse? than it really is and she did a much better job of explaining it to me. whatever, i now have a better understanding of how -my- behavior affects -hers-, and it's not the way i'd assumed it to be. i don't take this as a negative, not at all. i'm kind of ?relieved? because at least i understand our dynamics a little better. and because it's been ?draining? at times to always have my emotions be right -there- on the surface, not only for her to see but for me to always have -there-.

it's so difficult to explain in words, so easy to -feel- and -understand-.

the only thing that i disliked about our talk was that i didn't want to talk about me. i wanted to get her talking about herself and her life and her feelings. i want to have and understand more of her because obviously i'm not doing a good job of being there for her now. i've both pushed her inward with my own behaviors and not been there to support her and keep her from withdrawing while dealing with her own issues that she's been dealing with. i've been so focused on how the things that have been happening in our lives affect -me- that i haven't been very supportive of her.

so where i wanted to talk to her, get her to talk and feel comfortable and open up, we wind up with her talking about me. it was a good and necessary talk (probably overdue) but still did nothing to alleviate any of the stress on her. although i'm sure if i ?lighten up? it'll lessen her burdens too.

so this morning i wait for her to come in, to contact me. and while i've missed her all night, as i always do, i'm feeling good. i'm anxious (in a good way) and expectant of hearing from her. actually, i can't wait - because she is such a bright spot in my life. i want her close, want her to kiss me on the cheek and say hi and give me her bright smile and chat for a minute before we dive into our day. and i'm looking forward to, while we're apart again, holding her presence close to me and knowing that she's there and drawing happiness from just having her in my life.

she is so rare and special. i love her.

unsure. waiting.

we talked but i can't tell anything.

it's so strange that i'm so.. dread and anticipatory when waiting for her, but when she starts talking to me i get so lifted up. so happy to hear her and have her attention. for a while i rise above all my hurt and loss and self-doubts and am able to enjoy having her.

then she goes away for hours. and i have to wait for her again. she doesn't even want to IM. won't answer emails. or IMs. probably doesn't listen to voicemails. probably doesn't remember that she has snail mail to pick up.

have i become such a small part of her that she doesn't want any of me around except when she's directly giving me her attention?

now what do i do?

i can't do last night to myself everytime she hurts me. the physical abuse will, eventually, kill me, if the emotional pain doesn't get me there first.

and i don't even know if she really hurt me. maybe she really did want to run early. or maybe she and he had a very special Halloween party to go to. and maybe she is having weekly wednesday get togethers. i have no proof. she won't tell me. i'll never see the pics. i have no reason, really, to suspect that anything is other than as she says it is. it's just that the whole "wanna run early" thing doesn't sound like her. and the way she couldn't wait to be gone. away from me.

so either i'm making things out to be more than they are or she's having a lot more fun than she's willing to tell me.

there's nothing i wouldn't do for her. nothing.

she "does it" for me. fulfills me. she's the who and the how and the what and the one that i want.

but i have a feeling that i don't "do it" for her anymore.

and it's probably all my fault.

my undoing is all of my own doing.

all togethter now!

heard a great song i havent heard in a while tonight while riding -Designated drinker by allan jackson.

tonight, I'm the designated drinker
I just lost the one that wrapped me around her finger
I need to get to where I can't think of her
So tonight, I'm the designated drinker

and the last verse:
We need to get to where we can't think of her
So tonight we're the designated drinkers
(thank g-d for google)

worst part is she thinks she's just a friend to me, that all these aother sex parteners she thinks i have have pushed her out of top position. why doesnt she see that the only reason there even is any others is because she wont see me??? she has no idea what she really mean to me which really surprise's me cuz i thought id always made it plain and clear how importnat she is to me so why would she ever think that shes less important to me. idon't understand that at all. ive' always tried to make sure she knows how if felt. always. and if she saw me nowshed be disgusted that im drinking to try to ease my pain. shes so sttrong that way. but im not. i love her and i want her. it kills me that she dosnt want me the same why not?????where did i lose her where did she lose that interest in me that lust tht wanting that attraction that we've shared for so all these months?????? did i change into something/one she didnt want anymore or mabye she thought i didnt want her anymore (nOthing could be so farther from the truth) after all we;'ve shared and learned and discovered about each other how can she jsut go back to not wanting? whats changed why did she stop wanting me and decide to go back?.



but i beleive in my heart that this is true and real and meant to be its to strong to be just my imaignnation. if it is than im just the biggest fucking fool ever but if its not then why why why? how can she hold out and why whta does she gain by waiting? but for me even if not for her i know that thisis the one; no other has ever been like thisand never will be. so i wait.and wait. and wait until she eiter decides to see me or tells me to fuck off i love him and ill never ever leave him.

why cant she se e how much i love her????does it realy not matter to her atall? fuck i dont understand they always told us that true love always wins out but what???not in this case?? or is it only truelove for me?/

that would be the saddest thinga nd also make me out to be the biggest foool ever.

im not sure i could take learnign that.

i have.. nothing... to say

nothing.

she couldn't talk, so i waited. then, she could.

five minutes and then "i have to go".

she wanted to get home to run before it got dark and all the people got on the streets.

but you like to run at night. and you said you get almost no trick-or-treaters, so how many people could there be on the streets?

i fear those weren't her real reasons. i wonder ... is it another party?

i can't catch my breath, can't stop the pictures from coming, can't get the pain out of my chest.

and all day i thought things were going pretty well, on average. now i'm... lost. dead. empty.

no, not empty, because there's no end to the pain inside.

what do i do? i waited all day, wanting our time to talk. and she ran away.

not walked. ran. bolted.

fuck i did it again

fuck!!!!

what is fucking wrong with me?

i was very non-?clingy?.. very much avoided trying to pull her toward me... so instead, i pushed her away in a different way...

i asked how things were at home. "fine". and after saying that was good, "yup". "yup" tends to be her answer when she means "you don't really care" or "don't wanna talk about it" or "end of subject".

i know she's suspicious that i only want to know because i want to know "where she is" in relation to her and i. and yes, that's a part of it.. but only a part.. i really do want to know how things are. if they're better, it means she'll be less stressed, feel better, hopefully be happier. if they're better, i need to hear that - it'll help me know she's doing better there and which way she's ?heading?...

but geezus, when she says "yup"... especially after she's told me in the past that she doesn't really want to talk about home/relat w/bf... i feel like i'm just being blown off...

i felt optimistic and strong - i knew i'd be able to avoid pulling at her... then i get into this... fuck.. but it's natural to ask about her weekend.. we've been apart for almost 3 days... i want to know what she did, what fun she had, where they went.. all of it. is she telling me that i don't get to know about her life? is she shutting me out of that part of her?

only a few more steps ... then i'll be at the top... the top of the tall, spiral slide... step on, then slide... down, down, down. spiraling faster. ever down.

it'd be so easy to just let the forces behind me push me over that last step and send me on my way. and she'll see it as just another show of weakness from me. another fucked up by Me monday.

maybe not this time. i gotta try to hold out, be strong, be stronger. for her. for me. for this relationship.

be strong, self.

she's worth it.

monday... again

Last night she was with me as i was trying to go to sleep. i listened to my voice mail just so i could hear her voice. i thought about friday, about her party experience (10/14/05... a date i'll never forget. ever.), about all the things we've talked about recently, about what this morning would be like, about how much i long to hear her again.

she was with me when i woke too. that date. how much i want to do that for and with her. how it hurts a part of me so much and how it excites another part of me and how glad i am for her that she did it. and i try not to think of how many times they may have done it since.

but more than that, it was simply...her.

i'm determined to make this monday different than they've been. i need her back, want her back, want her to run to me, but that's not how she comes back. i always want that confirmation that she's still with me, that this is still important to her, hell, that she's even coming back. how do i know that she and bf didn't spend the weekend talking intensely, working everything out, coming to a meeting of the minds and that she now knows that that's where she belongs? every monday it's what i fear - that he's won her back over the weekend and that i've lost her for good.

but she's told me many times that she is coming back, that she won't ever just disappear. i know that's not the same as saying she won't decide to stay for good or that she's ready to see me (because obviously she's not or i'd have been there this weekend!). so i know she'll talk to me again this monday. and that's what i wait for.

well, that and to hear her tell me she loves me and wants to be with me. but that's a different fantasy.

now for the first hard part - getting through the next two to four hours until she calls. and then the rest of the day trying to read her, to figure out how her life was this weekend, what happened, what changed. where she's at.

and still i can't wait till she's back...

a date

well, hopefully we'll have a date in a little while.

I asked her yesterday if she'd like a date today. it's something we say/do to kind of 'put aside' some time for us to really be together. sometimes we just talk. sometimes we have sex. sometimes we're just together.

we've been right on the verge of very sexual for over a week. yesterday i asked her to do some things as kind of a preparation for our date today... to wear a skirt, and to bring two things to the office that have some very sexual significance to us.

she did wear a skirt today. that pleased me a lot. she's had a hard time doing what i've asked before, but she did it. she also wore tights today. that excites me a lot - i like that look.. a lot. my thoughts yesterday were that i was going to have her take off her panties early in the day, to kind of build anticipation in her all day. i know it'd excite her to take them off and be in the office all day with no panties, knowing we were going to fuck later. and to feel her bare pussy on her skirt and her chair as she moved around. this morning, i was excited that i'd get her to take off her tights.

not today. something, probably in her relationship, soured her mood and appetite for sexuality today. i so much wanted to talk to her sexy.. to hear her, to have her. instead, i need to avoid all of that, because it'll really hit her the wrong way. instead, we'll spend the time talking and just being close, hopefully.

because another FUCKING weekend is here already. another two and a half days without her.

FUCK.

i hate weekends.

i hate leaving her on fridays. i want to hold on to her as long as possible.

before she goes home to him.

him.

i hate him.

fuck.

maybe not

okay. i lied, i guess.

only 15 minutes late, and i feel it creeping up on me.

panic. concern.

where is she?

my chest is tight. my heart is racing.

where is she?

strength.. even serenity?

we feel strong again. i wasn't sure yesterday for a while. she got really stressed and instead of turning to me like she always has in the past, she turned away. it really threw me at first, because, for whatever reason, i seem to have a knack for soothing her. but instead she withdrew. this caused me concern (which in itself i see as an ?improvement? because previously i would have been panicked - so perhaps a sign that i am finally accepting the strength of our relationship?).

it's hard to put my finger on it, but things she's said to me this last week or two have really helped me to understand that what we have is not as tenuous as i thought. i know i don't have to fear that she'll just disappear. it doesn't mean i still don't sometimes, but i think i can see and accept it as simply a fear, an insecurity. i know it doesn't mean i'll never lose her, but she won't just disappear from my life.

it's so odd that i feel more ?commitment? from her than i have in a long time, perhaps ever, and yet still know that it's still possible we may never meet. i don't quite understand how she can be okay with that and still feel close to me like i believe she does. i believe, i have to believe (in order to stay sane) that we will meet, will become lovers, possibly more.

i try not to think about the state of her relationship with bf because, frankly, it upsets me so much. i never know for sure what's happening at home. she doesn't tell me much because when it's going well she doesn't want me to hurt and when it's not she doesn't want me to hope. i'm not sure but i think it's worsening. that's probably too strong a conclusion to draw from the tiny things she's said, but that's what i think. obviously i could be wrong, because they've also been doing more things together, even exploring new avenues. but that could be part of a pattern that i think some couples go through when things are nearing the end - forcing new things, struggling to hold onto normalcy, ignoring the worsening of the relationship all around them - kinda like the band playing on the deck of the Titanic. it hurts me because i don't want her to suffer the pain of a long relationship breaking up, yet i don't want her to stay in a relationship that doesn't give her what she wants and that frankly i don't believe she wants to be in anymore.

i can't let myself think about that part of her life too long because, frankly, it causes me so much distress. i want her in my life so much, i want her to be happy, i want her out of that relationship if that's what she wants, i feel so guilty for wanting that relationship to end because i know it'll cause her pain. she's my friend, above all - how can i want her relationship to end? but i look at what we have now, having never even met, and what we could have - how can i not want her for myself?

sigh. enough of that.

i feel her with me, feel her close. i think my comfort in knowing she holds me in her heart even when we're apart is growing, allowing me to expand my world a little. i'm growing interested in doing things again. two old hobbies are starting to engage me again. i'm not obsessed with finding sex as much (although i still think about -her- a thousand times a day). until B will start seeing me, i'd still like to find a fuck buddy....but i'm not focusing on it. and in the meantime, i have other things i -want- to do. it's a good feeling actually. not to say there's anything i'd rather do than to start commuting to see her every weekend, because g-d would i. but until she'll see me, and as long as i feel her touching me, i think i'll be okay.

i think.

i try to imagine how much my mindset would change for the better if she'd open up to me. i've tried to explain to her what it would mean to me to have her smiling at me at my desk, my home, to have her picture with me all the time. but her fears (of me??) still overpower her. it would remove so much ?tension? from her to not have to constantly be on the alert to make sure she doesn't give anything away to me, to not have to so carefully watch her words. she'd be able to let me in to her work day and let me do things for her that she can't let me do know. i don't understand why she doesn't feel that our relationship can handle (is worthy of?) that level of trust. i wonder how much easier it would be for her to hold me in her heart if she knew that i protect her privacy, if she were secure every day knowing that even though i know who she is and where she works and lives, that i would -never- jeopardize that part of her life. i never thought of it before, but how much more close would she be if she knew, felt, believed that she could truly trust me? that need to be secret will continue to sit between us, keeping her from pulling me close. that makes me sad because there's nothing i can do to change that. nothing.

until she decides she can trust me, if she ever does, what we have is still amazing. we ended yesterday before we could get to some intimate talk that we'd been building up to. i was frustrated that she had to go (why the fuck does he seem to show up at her office so often??) yet i was... okay. she kept me warm all night with her thoughts. and now i eagerly await her return.

and i'm warm with her, with the knowledge of -her-. and i'm smiling at the thought of her.