the greater good

the greater good. the interests of the one against the interests of the many.

looking back, i have to wonder if sacrificing myself wouldn't have been better for so many other people.

it seemed like a good idea at the time. my ex and my friend both talked to me about depression. i began to see and accept that, yeah, i was probably depressed. with their encouragement, i sought treatment - drugs and therapy.

i got better.

i destroyed lives in the process.

okay, maybe destroyed is a little dramatic. certainly, i've upset for the worse several lives. my ex, my daughter, my ex-family.

most of all my B. my beloved B.

i was better. i finally felt i was out of the pit of black that had surrounded me for so long. i'd found B. she lit me, lit my world. she made my heart race. she still does.

and yet, all the people i've ever cared about have ultimately suffered by my being released from depression.

even though it would mean never having known B, if i could, i would go back and refuse treatment. whatever good B may have gotten from knowing me has been offset by the harm i've caused her sense of self. i may have still hurt my family because eventually i may have suicided or run away or just given up.

but i wouldn't have hurt B.

the knowledge that i did that is too much to bear. the pain and defeat and hurt i hear in her voice. when i weigh that against how we were at one time, how we -could- be, given the chance, i realize that ...

i've hurt B, the woman i love more than i've ever loved anyone, more than i've ever hurt anyone else.

what a nice legacy. what a nice gift to give to my beloved.