the pall settles

i've fought it since yesterday, maybe saturday. i've had images, thoughts, visions of her; her life, her party(parties?) all of the moments that make up her day, her weekend, her week, her life.

i wanted to call her alter ego today to see if she was in the office but i didn't. what difference would it make? suppose she too was out of the office. suppose it confirmed for me that she and b were one and the same, then what? it wouldn't make her want me any more (probably less), it wouldn't make her love me any more, it wouldn't make it more likely that she'd let me into her life, wouldn't make it more likely she'd leave bf, wouldn't put a picture on my desk, wouldn't change anything.

i thought about her and identity and coincidence and all that a lot this afternoon. and slowly, through the fog, it came to me. i know why she won't meet me, why she won't open herself up to me, why she's still in a relationship that she doesn't seem to want to be in.

she's married to him.

not figuratively. actually. she once told me that the alterego woman was married. i took it as a fact that didn't fit what i knew, took it as a contributing proof that b and this alter ego were not one and the same.

and like a pall of smoke from a not too distant forest fire will slowly creep in and blot out the sun, so this has come over me. she's married to bf. he's not bf, he's "husband". it explains why she won't this and won't that and more than anything, why she stays.

she's married.

and i'd expect no less from her. she'll stay with it until there's no alternative. she's not a quitter, even if quitting is what she thinks would be best for her.

which means: i'm alone. and she's alone. there is -no- B in my future. no B, no chance of B.

she's loyal, even if she's not happy.

and she'll stay. no matter what.

so she'll live out her days unhappy. as will i. unhappy and alone.

making do with someone else.

fuck.

who wants that?

not me.

she's married.

fuck.

funny. i thought the dog parable was so insightful, so intuitive, so.. meaninful. it's not. it's just more crap from a lonely mans mind. a man wishing he could have a woman that he can't have. a woman that he thinks wants him too.

but she's married. she has a husband.

she sure doesn't need me.