marking milestones versus taking in the scenery

sigh.

i disappoint her so often. and myself.

she doesn't understand why eleven days of silence is something i'd think about.

how could you not??

i could no more ignore this upcoming ?absence? than i could ignore losing a leg. to me it's huge. it's a tremendous ?gap? in my life.

i can kinda understand though. she doesn't measure time. she's able to take what's here now as what there is. she lives life moment to moment. i don't. i measure my life, mark the passing of it by the milestones of when she's in it, and when she's gone, of when she'll next be in it. and in between those milestones there's - not life, but existence. waiting for the next time with her.

when she leaves me, the color leaves my world. there is black and white and grey. yes, occasionally there are flashes of color, but for the most part, there is only the absence of color. and then she returns and the world and life is in living Technicolor again. my life is periods of time spent with her interspersed with longer periods of time waiting for her to return.

she wonders how i could think of that, -why- i would think of it.

how could you not?