strength.. even serenity?

we feel strong again. i wasn't sure yesterday for a while. she got really stressed and instead of turning to me like she always has in the past, she turned away. it really threw me at first, because, for whatever reason, i seem to have a knack for soothing her. but instead she withdrew. this caused me concern (which in itself i see as an ?improvement? because previously i would have been panicked - so perhaps a sign that i am finally accepting the strength of our relationship?).

it's hard to put my finger on it, but things she's said to me this last week or two have really helped me to understand that what we have is not as tenuous as i thought. i know i don't have to fear that she'll just disappear. it doesn't mean i still don't sometimes, but i think i can see and accept it as simply a fear, an insecurity. i know it doesn't mean i'll never lose her, but she won't just disappear from my life.

it's so odd that i feel more ?commitment? from her than i have in a long time, perhaps ever, and yet still know that it's still possible we may never meet. i don't quite understand how she can be okay with that and still feel close to me like i believe she does. i believe, i have to believe (in order to stay sane) that we will meet, will become lovers, possibly more.

i try not to think about the state of her relationship with bf because, frankly, it upsets me so much. i never know for sure what's happening at home. she doesn't tell me much because when it's going well she doesn't want me to hurt and when it's not she doesn't want me to hope. i'm not sure but i think it's worsening. that's probably too strong a conclusion to draw from the tiny things she's said, but that's what i think. obviously i could be wrong, because they've also been doing more things together, even exploring new avenues. but that could be part of a pattern that i think some couples go through when things are nearing the end - forcing new things, struggling to hold onto normalcy, ignoring the worsening of the relationship all around them - kinda like the band playing on the deck of the Titanic. it hurts me because i don't want her to suffer the pain of a long relationship breaking up, yet i don't want her to stay in a relationship that doesn't give her what she wants and that frankly i don't believe she wants to be in anymore.

i can't let myself think about that part of her life too long because, frankly, it causes me so much distress. i want her in my life so much, i want her to be happy, i want her out of that relationship if that's what she wants, i feel so guilty for wanting that relationship to end because i know it'll cause her pain. she's my friend, above all - how can i want her relationship to end? but i look at what we have now, having never even met, and what we could have - how can i not want her for myself?

sigh. enough of that.

i feel her with me, feel her close. i think my comfort in knowing she holds me in her heart even when we're apart is growing, allowing me to expand my world a little. i'm growing interested in doing things again. two old hobbies are starting to engage me again. i'm not obsessed with finding sex as much (although i still think about -her- a thousand times a day). until B will start seeing me, i'd still like to find a fuck buddy....but i'm not focusing on it. and in the meantime, i have other things i -want- to do. it's a good feeling actually. not to say there's anything i'd rather do than to start commuting to see her every weekend, because g-d would i. but until she'll see me, and as long as i feel her touching me, i think i'll be okay.

i think.

i try to imagine how much my mindset would change for the better if she'd open up to me. i've tried to explain to her what it would mean to me to have her smiling at me at my desk, my home, to have her picture with me all the time. but her fears (of me??) still overpower her. it would remove so much ?tension? from her to not have to constantly be on the alert to make sure she doesn't give anything away to me, to not have to so carefully watch her words. she'd be able to let me in to her work day and let me do things for her that she can't let me do know. i don't understand why she doesn't feel that our relationship can handle (is worthy of?) that level of trust. i wonder how much easier it would be for her to hold me in her heart if she knew that i protect her privacy, if she were secure every day knowing that even though i know who she is and where she works and lives, that i would -never- jeopardize that part of her life. i never thought of it before, but how much more close would she be if she knew, felt, believed that she could truly trust me? that need to be secret will continue to sit between us, keeping her from pulling me close. that makes me sad because there's nothing i can do to change that. nothing.

until she decides she can trust me, if she ever does, what we have is still amazing. we ended yesterday before we could get to some intimate talk that we'd been building up to. i was frustrated that she had to go (why the fuck does he seem to show up at her office so often??) yet i was... okay. she kept me warm all night with her thoughts. and now i eagerly await her return.

and i'm warm with her, with the knowledge of -her-. and i'm smiling at the thought of her.