profound sadness

is what i feel.

my landlady is having a party. people. happy people. people who have friends, who can flirt and joke and play.

people who have a love to go home to.

people who have a home they love to go home to.

as the evening progresses i see and realize that i am alone. profoundly, completely alone. my B is home with her lover. everyone i see here has someone. even if they're not all "paired", they have friends, fun, a life.

B has a life, again. a life to live, to enjoy, to spend with someone she wants to be with.

you make this veneer of normalcy, of a life, and for much, even most of the time, it's sufficient. but it's a lie and like any lie it crumbles under close observation.

she has a life, things to do, a holiday season to enjoy with her mate, family to visit, friends to entertain, a boat to decorate and parade. i thought she was withdrawing from life (with me) in fact she was, is embracing a real life. living a real life.

and i have to watch her go. help her go. hold the door for her to go back to the life she has.

i want my emptiness, my aloneness to end. but i want a particular resolution. an end that i can't have because she doesn't want it that way.

so i end it alone. i live this life alone.

tomorrow i know i'll be... not better, but a little bit not so bad.

but tonight i miss her so much. tonight i don't want to live this life, or any life, without her.

but it's not my choice.

so i'll sit. and drink. and try to drown my pain, my loss, my aloneness, my emptiness.

while she lays with and holds him. embraces their life together.