and now?

it could be soon - any minute, or not for another three or four hours.

the moment i've been waiting for since tuesday. the moment i've been living in fear of since tuesday.

her call.

it'll come, sooner or later, of that i'm sure.

but after our talk on tuesday.... i'm not sure where she'll be, where she'll be calling from. it's been five long days. and before that we barely talked once in four days. but she's a woman of action - once she sets her mind to something, consider it done. and knowing her, she's wasted no time getting her life back in order.

i'm not even sure what i'm dreading, because it's gonna happen, if it hasn't already. she's turning back to her life there. i'm out of the game. not an option. she's focusing on her life with him, her relationship with bf, to the exclusion of anything else. ie, me.

in the end it'll be better for her. she'll either decide/learn to be happy there, or decide that she can't be and move on.

better for her. the end of hope for me.

in whatever way i can, however she'll let me or call on me for help, i'll help her get there. i'll get the joy of seeing my best friend come back to life, renew her relationship, start enjoying life again. and all it costs me is the woman i love. but i can't have her anyway. so i can either keep trying to (never) have her and keep us both unhappy or accept my loss and at least help her get back to being happy.

she's my friend and i love her. i love her with all my heart -and- she's my friend.

i want her happy.