spinning the wheel

i'm standing neck deep in molasses. i can barely move.

mostly i can watch the world go by.

i have no control over anything. i'm the kid in the car seat. spinning the wheel, beeping the horn, flashing the lights on my little pseudo-car, my actions have no influence on the direction of my life.

i need to get back to my home state (home - there's an interesting concept, one which i don't feel applies to me anymore, anywhere) to see my daughter. it's been too long since i've seen her, not that she cares or notices.

i've been talking about, thinking about, meaning to make my reservations for weeks. i can't seem to do it.

i can't stand the thought of being so close to B - when she still has no interest in seeing me. lunch is all i asked for, just a couple of hours. she can't, won't. i can't stand the pain of being so close yet being no closer. it's stupid, i know. i know she doesn't understand my feelings, how much it hurts that she keeps her distance.

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

not so much happiness. lots of tears.

time flies. and then it's too late. and then you're dead.