missing her

she wrote me a heart warming letter before we parted last week.

soon, we end this year and start another. what will be this year? will our lips finally touch? our eyes lock onto each other? our bodies warm with the others' touch, molding to each other? or will the new year end as this one and the last one ended - her in her life with him, me here or there or somewhere, without her? still not knowing her? still held at arms' length?

she moves me; when she opens up and talks to me, she touches me, moves me, influences me. i have a feeling that this will be the year that either we consummate our physical attraction or i finally accept that she won't meet me, won't touch me, won't have me.

we've been apart since thursday - 5 days and another to go. i've been "okay". okay in that i haven't crashed and become despondent or had a meltdown or similar. that's not to say B hasn't been with me, constantly. i woke very early saturday morning dreaming of her. it was a very erotic, intense dream. i woke feeling so alive, so invigorated, so loved, so -involved- with her. it was discouraging and depressing to feel that wear off as the reality of my surroundings and my situation slowly crept in. she was with me so strongly, so completely.

again monday morning, she woke me. not with the same kind of dream, but just her presence. i sat in a chair by the window in the study and stared into the night. i thought of her - what was she doing? was she still up? how was her christmas with him and his family? how's her time off with him been? is she feeling more "in place"? is she relaxed, enjoying her time off? does she think of me, miss me? highlights (and lowlights) of the past year came and went. i reached for her with all my heart and all my love. i wanted her, her touch, so much. i kept hearing her words before we left on thursday, and hoping hoping hoping that she was enjoying her holiday and that kept me sane.

and today im back at work. and i miss her so.

i can't wait to hear her voice again.