is this the end?

i feel like i'm sitting on death row waiting to hear if the governor has issued a pardon.

will she be back today? or is she done with me?

how can she be done? does she not feel all that makes us special and unique and different? what does he have that is so much more? what parts of their life together hold her so strongly?

i have erred so many times and in so many ways... but i've never wanted to do anything other than love her. i've always wanted to show her (and learn with her) what a real love could be like, what the relationship between two people who know and understand each other so well, who love each other so unquestioningly, so completely, could be. instead she chooses to stay in a relationship where she's numb to all feeling. where she doesn't get the mental and emotional stimulation that she craves.

why?

instead she'll live the average american life: she'll go through thousands of days with a man she doesn't really love living an unfulfilling life. in ten or fifteen years she'll decide she's had enough and leave, regretting not having done it years earlier.

she'll be me.

and neither of us will have had the life we could have had.