fuck

i don't think i ever realized it before; it just came to me... i know EXACTLY how she's felt over the last year or so...i think i was a lot closer to exactly the same thing, i was just one thing/event away from it.. it's like i was standing at the edge of the cliff, facing the other way and thinking everything was fine. the change made me just turn around and see.. whoa! nothing in front of me.

now that one thing has changed and i know exactly what she meant/felt. nothing. i have no desire. i'm so incredibly tired of living with no hope. the few things that i look forward to are so transitory, so fleeting, like a flare in the middle of the night - there and visible for a short time, then gone, the black flooding back in, obscuring everything.

i haven't been happy for years. i've thought i was, or at least on the path to happiness, in the last couple of years, but that was all based on hope, a wish.

now what? i don't want to live the future - it's gonna be long periods of unhappiness and sadness and loss punctuated by occasional moments of happiness. small peaks of good. oceans of vast blackness.

no choice. no options. no control. no desire to live. no reason to. nothing to hope for.

can't breathe. can't hope. can't see an end. or an out.