meeting. meetings.

it's a good day. she's close (i feel close to her, not the other way around). she's distracted with work issues. we've talked; good talk, good interaction. but she's busy and distracted and not available.

this is where i start to get ?fuzzy?. i'm ready for her, waiting for her. i know she's busy and i know that doesn't mean she's distant or forgotten about me or any of that. still... i'm ready for her.

i want to see her. i need to see her. it's time. i think -we- need it. but i can't push her, can't convince her of the rightness of it, can't even try to convince her lest i set her completely against it. she has to come to the conclusion/decision herself - but i don't think she ever thinks about it. it's not high on her list of important things to think about and frankly, with all that's going on in her life, i don't blame her. but that doesn't mean i don't think about it, or that i don't want to convince her, or that it's not important to me, or that i don't still believe that it would so immeasurably change our relationship for the better, remove so much stress from us.

we've brushed on it. i need to make a trip back to see my daughter in December, so i'll be close. i hesitate to bring it up or push the issue, yet how can i not? it's too important. even so i steel myself against the rejection, her refusal to want to see me.

that's what really hurts. that she says she wants to but doesn't want to enough to do it. rejection, again. choosing him again. choosing but not me.

by her own admission it's something she'd look forward to. she knows how i feel about it.

it's just lunch B. just lunch. just talk, just us becoming real.

but still i steel myself.

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with any luck, i may actually be able to (finally!!!) do something of value for her. a business issue discovered yesterday that i may be able to give her something that will help her with her partners and the running of her business. finally.