she's got a way about her

(apologies to Billy Joel...)

but she does. we had quite a talk last night. not our first deep one and certainly not our last. everytime we have a talk like this one, where we talk about us as individuals and us as -us- and all that goes with that, she confirms for me all that i think about her - that she is deep and complicated, sensitive and principled, self-aware and compassionate.

i don't 'get' human behavior - mine or others. most of the time it's a mystery to me why people do the things they do, even why -i- do the things i do. all my life i've been a pretty closed off guy, which i suppose is fairly typical. but no so with her; in fact, increasingly -less- closed off as time has gone by. to the point where she almost always knows what's at the heart of me, either because she can sense it or because i display it to her. i've known that my feelings and emotions were much more visible to her than to anyone else. i knew it and accepted it as a good thing (after all, isn't that what women always want? to be able to know a mans' feelings?). it even felt good to be so emotionally open and available to her.

she was able to explain to me how that affects her. i thought she'd ?appreciate? my openness and that it would be an enhancement to our relationship. in fact, she's not always positively affected by -so much- emotional openness. it sounds ?worse? than it really is and she did a much better job of explaining it to me. whatever, i now have a better understanding of how -my- behavior affects -hers-, and it's not the way i'd assumed it to be. i don't take this as a negative, not at all. i'm kind of ?relieved? because at least i understand our dynamics a little better. and because it's been ?draining? at times to always have my emotions be right -there- on the surface, not only for her to see but for me to always have -there-.

it's so difficult to explain in words, so easy to -feel- and -understand-.

the only thing that i disliked about our talk was that i didn't want to talk about me. i wanted to get her talking about herself and her life and her feelings. i want to have and understand more of her because obviously i'm not doing a good job of being there for her now. i've both pushed her inward with my own behaviors and not been there to support her and keep her from withdrawing while dealing with her own issues that she's been dealing with. i've been so focused on how the things that have been happening in our lives affect -me- that i haven't been very supportive of her.

so where i wanted to talk to her, get her to talk and feel comfortable and open up, we wind up with her talking about me. it was a good and necessary talk (probably overdue) but still did nothing to alleviate any of the stress on her. although i'm sure if i ?lighten up? it'll lessen her burdens too.

so this morning i wait for her to come in, to contact me. and while i've missed her all night, as i always do, i'm feeling good. i'm anxious (in a good way) and expectant of hearing from her. actually, i can't wait - because she is such a bright spot in my life. i want her close, want her to kiss me on the cheek and say hi and give me her bright smile and chat for a minute before we dive into our day. and i'm looking forward to, while we're apart again, holding her presence close to me and knowing that she's there and drawing happiness from just having her in my life.

she is so rare and special. i love her.