now ... what?

maybe i should just go away, disappear.

i've brought nothing but pain to the lives of everyone i've cared about. my ex, my daughter, my (ex-) family, and most of all to B. my beloved B.

when we met, she was vibrant, alive, sexual, erotic. our relationship seemed to enhance her life. it certainly enhanced mine. she seemed to have found what she was looking for. g-d knows i found what was missing in my life.

and then it turned out that her having me in her life started to drain all the life from her. bf found out. sex with him became a hated chore. she began having to live with distrust and accusations and constantly being watched. she withdrew from him, from life, from me. the more she withdrew from me the more frantic and upset i became. the more upset and frantic i became the more she withdrew.

she needs time to evaluate her life without the distraction of what -our- life might be like together. she has less time for me. she's turning back to her life with him. i'm asked to give up the hope, the possibility of everything i want - her. she may spend months or longer evaluating what she wants. in the end, she wins because she'll get exactly what she wants (which she could have now). i can either win (if she chooses to include me in her life and future) or lose (if she stays with him or leaves us both). in the meantime, i have to give her up. give up having her close now, and the hope of the future. plus remove from her sight all that i/her/we -could- be, so that in the months she spends evaluating what it is she wants, that won't even be in front of her; she may not even remember it. so how could that life, her and i, even be a choice if she doesn't remember it?

the deck is stacked against me. against the future i want. yet it has to happen that way because to continue in the way we are will cause her to lose herself, her identity. completely. then she's lost to herself, to him, to me, to the world. and that cannot happen. there are people who's lives she's yet to grace, friendships she's yet to form, people who's lives will be forever changed for the better by having known her, possibly children yet to be born to a wonderful mother. the person that is B hasn't yet made her mark on the world. her time is in the future. my mark has been made, my sorrow spread, my damage done. her ship is yet to sail; i wait for the waters to lap over the gunwales.

if i didn't have financial obligations to my ex and my daughter, i think i'd just disappear. everyone would be better off. i'd still be dead inside but at least i wouldn't be dragging anyone else down with me.

especially not my beloved B.

if i can stay strong for a few weeks it may give B the leg up she needs. she doesn't really need anything from me or anyone else but right now she's not sure she has the strength she needs. she does. but if she can pull strength and support from me (or him or work or wherever) until she feels right again, then she'll be able to finish the task ahead of her on her own. i just need to stay strong for her, for awhile. i need to keep the appearance of strength for her, even as my future and my dream dies; as everything inside dies. when she's standing strong again, when she realizes she doesn't need me anymore, then i can .. fade. and she can live her life again as the woman i met two years ago.