how can i complain about -anything-???

this seems to be the week for eye opening reflection.

the insights into our relationship (and me) from talking to B earlier this week.

and now thinking about her and her dog - i'm seeing so much. when you only look at your life in a mirror, all you see is yourself, and you miss all the rest of the world. you especially miss the people that make your world worth living in. like her.

how can g-d, fate, the universe, whatever you want to call it, put this too on her, now?

i've been wallowing in self-pity, living in "woe-is-me-coz-she-won't-have-me" land. truth of the matter is, i have nothing really to complain about. i don't have a wife or a family or a home - but that's all of my own doing. i don't have the love i want, the lover i want, B, but i never had a claim to her anyway. i have no real troubles in my life. i work, i go home. i make enough money to pay my obligations and still live comfortably enough. there are almost no demands on my time other than work. i pretty much do what i want when i want, with little consideration for how it affects others, because almost nothing i do really does affect others. if i were to die or disappear, there would be barely a ripple in the daily lives of very few people.

and she is shouldering so much right now. all the stress that i've put on her, pressure to be with me and everything related to that. her unhappiness in her relationship with bf, with her home life. uncertainty about what she should do about me, him, her life. crap at work with partners that contribute only a fraction of the energy and devotion and work to the business that she does. and now this - her dog.

fuck. i wish i could take some of the load off of her. she won't come to me, but i can be here for her anyway.

too many times during conversations and other troubled periods of our time together, i've slapped her in the face by saying or doing things so completely self-centered, so completely 'all about me'. not this time.

what she needs from me now is what i should have been to her all along - a friend. i need to pull back my heart from trying to attract her as a lover and just be here as her friend. forego my own needs and wants (for once!!) and be here as a source of comfort and strength for her and let her take from me whatever she wants or needs or will have.

she deserves no less.

so although she won't take me for her lover or partner, she does love me and she trusts me and she'll have me as her friend. and for once, perhaps i can give her what she wants, what she needs, what she deserves.

because she is my friend. because i want to ease her pain. because i love her.