maybe i am a friend

sometimes i surprise myself by doing things i don't understand.

well, that doesn't surprise me. doing things that aren't self-serving, that really are for someone else's best interest, that really are ?selfless?

is it possible i really can be a friend?

I've been trying to get B to close her office for the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday between XMas and New Years'. It's already closed the Fridays and Mondays surrounding both holidays, so this would give her 11, count 'em, ELEVEN days off.

which she desperately needs.

Eleven days off - i don't think she's taken more than a week since i've known her. she needs the time off, the -block- of time off to decompress, to shed some tension, to get some sleep.

she knows it. but she fights it anyway.

Eleven days.

Eleven days without her. with NO chance of talking to her. or im'ing her. or emailing her. NO CHANCE. eleven days. fuck. just thinking about it i can feel the apprehension, the anxiety rising. fuck it - call it what it is - panic. eleven days. fuck. and that's on top of the turkey day week five days off and a couple of other days out of the office this month and this coming three day weekend. fuck. in the forty calendar days between 11/24/05 and 1/3/06, there's 12 weekend days and 28 business days. of the 28 business days, days we should have been able to talk, 11 of those days she was unavailable. almost half of the possible (?normal?) days. and now what is probably the longest single stretch of time since we met.

and at this point. when i'm just feeling better about us. when she's dropped all thought of anything beyond friendship with me. when she's back in her life. during the most ?emotionally? charged season of the year. a season of lots of times and opportunities for closeness - for those who have someone. and for those who don't, probably the most lonely, depressing time of the year.

eleven days lost. and now a stretch of eleven contiguous days.

the last two years we've at least been able to say hi on both holiday eves. not this year.

gotta breathe!

while i'm sure this is gonna be very fucking hard, it has to happen. she needs the time. it's better for her, so it's what should be.

but fuck. what timing.

eleven straight days.

in the next twenty two days, we'll only get to talk five days.

fuck.

it's for her. it's for her. it's for her. it's for her. it's for her.