the slow, speedy crawl of time

time, and the flow of time, is so non-linear. it seems pretty well accepted that time passes quicker as you get older. certainly the younger you are, the longer a day, a week, a year seems. when you're in your late 20's and you look ahead, you can't really see the end - it's 50 or more years away.. an eternity of life left.

when you get to be middle aged, the single biggest change in perception, for me anyway, has been the recognition of my own mortality. fully -half- of my life is gone. i can see the end. it's real, it's seeable, it's not that far away. when you're young and you look back to the early part of your life, it seems close and the end seems so far away. from here, in the middle, i can see each end equally well.

also, when you look forward, a year seems so long. getting up, going to bed 365 times, turning the calendar 12 times, celebrating anniversaries. take that same year and look back and it's soooo short. it was here and now it's gone.

since i've known b, two of my years have passed. two full years. two years that, if we should ever get together, we can never get back. if we got together today and it's my destiny to die in two more years, those two lost years would have been HALF of our time together. gone.

while talking to b i remembered a conversation we had about a year ago... we were talking about the upcoming year, maybe what might or might not happen during it, maybe i was remembering a comment she made that before she left she'd take about a year to 'get things in order', accounts, property, whatever.

a year ago i thought that by the end of this year we'd be together, or would have at least met. it seemed like such a long time in the future. and now it's almost gone. another year. and she said that -once she decided- to leave, it could take a year for her to get things in order. she hasn't decided. it doesn't seem like she's any closer to even thinking about deciding. so that remote possibility is pushed out another year. and that's if she decided today. which she's not.

another year spent without her. another year spent loving someone i've never seen, may never see, but who i know is the one for me. another year where she chose him every single day. every day. out of 365 decisions, not once did she decide to see me. not to be my partner, not to be my lover, not to meet for lunch, not to let me see her smile at me.

perhaps i should be bitter but i'm not. i've been told i should wake up. my only regret, my truest, deepest regret is the passage of each day. because if she should ever decide to see me or be with me, none of those days can be recovered, each precious day lost. she tells me sometimes that she feels that i think that what she gives me is never enough. to a degree that's true - because i want all of her. i know in my heart that we belong together. but to be honest, the things she's taught me about myself, and love, and what it's like to truly love someone, and how much joy the right person can bring to your life are more than enough to get from anyone. do i want more? yes. i want all of her. but only if she wants me. and i have to face the fact that i may not be the one for her.

he goes through each day with her as though it's just another day, not knowing. not knowing her, not knowing her unhappiness, not knowing the hold he has on her, not even aware that every day she chooses their life together over whatever i can offer, over whatever anyone else can offer. i pray each day that she'll come back to me, bring me back into her life. i pray that someday she'll trust me enough, want me enough to want to meet me.

everyday i wait for her return. everyday i hope i can please her just a little. when she opens herself to me and lets me feel just some of the love that's in her, it sends me soaring. then a part of me is sad that i'm not enough of what she wants to pull all of her away, sad that another day that we could have had together has passed. and at the end of every day she chooses him again, goes home to him, goes to the life she lives.

my heart breaks and i cry. for my loss and for hers, because i would be good for her. i feel it, i know it. of all the people in her life that she knows, of all the people that she comes into contact with and never know her other than for a moment or an evening, of all the people she could ever cross lives with, i'm the one who carries this love for her. no one cares for her more, no one knows her like i do. and while no one is let in like i am, no one is kept out like i am either.

and when she leaves me today my heart will break. and i'll mourn another day lost forever that we'll never be able to get back. and i'll pray that tomorrow she lets me back into her life.

and through it all, i'll love her. as i have, as i do, as i will.