weekend? more like a leave of absence

she's out of the office all day tomorrow. then another (fucking!!) weekend. and she's out of the office on monday too.

almost five days.

i was doing well. even up till mid day today. and as her departure today gets inexorably closer, i feel it.

it's not panic (though it sometimes feels like that). it's not fear (although i still fear she may resolve her relationship issues with him and never really come back). it's not anger (i know she has a life beyond -me-.. and truthfully, i'm the least real part of her life).

it's jealousy (that he gets her, this weekend and everyday, every morning, every night). it's loneliness (i have so much love to give her but she won't be with me). it's despair (that this weekend is just a sample of the thousands of days to come in my life that will be spent without her). it's sadness (for myself, that she doesn't feel for me, doesn't love me like i love her, doesn't want to be with me like i want to be with her, doesn't feel the need to be with me like i feel the need to be with her). it's regret (that having found -her-, fate has conspired to keep us apart by giving her one she loves instead).

i know i'll live through these next five days. just like i'll live, somehow, through the rest of my life spent without her by my side.

so unfair.

so long i've waited for her, waited to find her. wasn't even sure what i was looking for until i found her.

i can reach out my hand but can't quite touch her. my heart calls to her but isn't loud enough to be heard. i wave to her frantically but i can't get her attention.

strength. strength is what's needed now. i have to be here for her during this time and the months to come. later, when she's happy again, when she's found herself again, then i'll grieve for my loss.