the first day of the rest of her life

i don't know what's happening or what's going to happen.

she's pulling away, kinda, because she wants no distractions while she looks at the life she has to see if she can be happy there.

she has to put me and us out of her mind whenever it comes to her. i'm fearful that she'll get really good at that, that it'll become habit and automatic, and that even when she wants to think of me/us, she won't. out of sight, out of mind; out of mind, out of luck.

what if she forgets the things she doesn't have but wants? then she'll just start to settle again. and we'll both lose.

and i have to stop putting things in front of her that are "us". but she doesn't get that all those things are what make us "us". i have to reign in my feelings and the things i say to her. she won't hear them, she'll realize eventually that she isn't hearing them anymore and think it's because i don't feel those things anymore. and as i observe her reacting to the absence of those things, i have to keep silent because she doesn't want me to say/show those things to her, so i have to not only hold them in, but watch as she incorrectly thinks i've pulled back. double, triple whammy.

i have no choice. no options. no say. no control. no influence. if i don't let her walk away, she'll suffer more and more, withdraw more and more from everything. and she'll stay where she is. and i'll have no chance of the future i want. and if i let her walk away, there's still a very good chance i'll never see the future i want. but at least there's a slim chance.

i have to give up all hope of everything i want. and help her turn her attention and affection back to him, to her life with him. help her enjoy him again. help her enjoy her life with him again. help her stay in the life she's chosen to be in for 8 years, the life she's chosen everyday for the last two years over the possibility of what she might find with me.

as her friend, it's what i would do. should do. will do. in the end, no matter what she chooses, she'll be happy. that's important. it's what i want too. as her wanna be lover, i'll either wind up ecstatically happy. or despondantly empty.

i just hope that if/when she chooses to stay in the life she's in that she'll still have some room for me to stay in her life. i don't know that's possible though, because if she stays, she'll need and want to be there, to be focused there, and I and all I represent would just be a distraction.

this is the first day of the rest of her life.

i wonder if it's the first day of the end of my life?

sometimes the emotion, the overwhelming sense of loss just creeps up and takes over. i tried to explain it to her when i wrote this:

my life will always be less for not having you than having you as my lover/partner/whatever. after having found -this-, i never imagined having to give it up. i guess part of it is having to realize that it's not the same for you as it is for me.... that you'll be quite happy in a life w/o me, that you don't need -me- to be happy, that you may already have it, or can find it elsewhere... feels so right, always felt so right i never even imagined that maybe it wasn't right for you. sometimes i'm not sure if it's a blow to my ego that i'm not what you want and other times it's just so ?shocking? that -i- could feel it so strongly but it not be mutual