a letter to B

hi..

i want to tell you how i feel, what's going on inside me..

last night and this morning (and now) i feel... great. wonderful. you, your image, your being, your voice, all that i have of you that is you floats in my consciousness. i see you, hear you, feel you. we're happy again. i hear you laugh.

even just in our short conversation, i feel ?rejuvenated?. hard to explain. when you ?come back to me? it lifts me. i'm happy again. i'm positive. i feel "i can do this" (meaning continue living). it sounds corny, but the world is a better place when i know you're in it.

our talk last night and last week both encourage me and frighten me. whatever happens in a few months, you'll be happy, you'll have chosen a life, you'll be able to put all the uncertainty and pain behind you. for that i'm happy.

i'm scared too because i know that at the end of those few months (which will seem so long looking forward to them and when they are past and i'm waiting for your answer, will seem to have flown by), my future will be decided. i will either have the woman and the life i want or i will know that i have to find a future life alone. even that's okay, because if that's my future, i'll still have you for my best friend, and i can take comfort in knowing that you're happy.

in the meantime, i'm looking forward to us having good, fun times again. to rediscovering each other, to enjoying again all the things that make us who we are. do you know what i mean?

i'm happy thinking about you. and about us having fun again, being friends again. there are, and will be, times when i look past the us now and see the us that i want and know that it's not happening now, that we're missing out, and that we may never have it. and it makes me so, so sad. to my core. and sometimes it's hard for me to get back from that.

but for now, i'm happy.

i'm glad you're in my life B. more than you know.

me

and even though i may not have told you in a while,

i want you.

very, very much.