loneliness

we were talking a little bit about loneliness this morning.

it occurs to me that there are two kinds of being alone.

there's being by yourself. and there's being lonely - without someone; -that- someone.

being by yourself is fine. everyone's alone in this way at some time, probably a lot of the time. it could be as "immediate" as being in the office alone or spending an evening alone, without anyone else around. in many ways, i prefer being alone. certainly i prefer it to constantly being with people just for the sake of not being alone. alone time can be good time, recharge time.

being without someone is different. you can be lonely, as in without someone, in the middle of a crowd. when that special someone that you want to be with isn't there (either because you haven't found them yet or because they don't feel the same way about you or because they're just not attainable), -that's- being lonely.

being alone (type 1) is a constantly changing state. people come and go throughout your day, your week, your month, your life, all the time. this kind of alone time is something you look forward to, time to recharge, think, relax in peace, just chill. watch the sunset. read. think. sit in quiet.

being lonely (type 2) is so completely different. there's only one cure for lonely - "that someone". you can cure being alone by just finding people to be around, even if it's something as impersonal as work or a restaurant or a crowded place. but you can't just call someone up to go have a beer with to cure being lonely. you have to find them, or they have to find you. there has to be a spark, a connection, a mutual acknowledgement. both have to reach across the quiet chasm else you're still lonely.

put the two kinds of lonely together... phew! the effect is more than the sum of the parts. this is when people get really depressed. desperate.

when you're lonely, being alone is ofttimes better than being with people. especially when the other people aren't lonely in their lives. when they have someone, it just makes your own solitude, your own "alone-ness" so much more obvious, so much more heavy to bear. it makes the emptiness of your own life so much more apparent. so much harder to avoid looking at. so much more painful. especially when you know "the one", know what could be, but are powerless to affect anything.

and what of a future where loneliness is the only foreseeable future? the only path open before you?

with loneliness and being alone and being able to observe people not alone but never being able to fix your own alone-ness... what do you do with that?

what's the point of a future like that?