two seconds. over and over

i relive the same two seconds about 50 times a day.

two short seconds that are comprised of about a hundred thoughts and a roller coaster of emotion.

they're not always the same step by step, but the gist of it is always the same. starts and ends in the same place.

her. B. warmth. love. beauty. my heart fills. something about her pops to the forefront of my consciousness; a snippet of conversation, a picture, an email, an event. sometimes an -entire- saturday conversation pops up and it feels like i relive it in its entirety in one second. i'm suffused with warmth and love and connection. and then reality. she won't meet me. him. her and him in their life. phones. email. the distance. then back to love. desire. my soulmate. distance. her pulling back to look at her life. the painful realization that she'll probably never meet me. her. her being, her presence surrounds me, buoys me. the sound of her voice saying my name. hearing her say "i love you". hearing her say "fuck you". her face, her laugh.

and at the end of it, i'm alone. she's with me, still. as much of her as she'll let me have. i'm warmed and lifted and smiling. and off to the side of me, visible and in my sight (but maybe if i don't think about it it'll go away) is the knowledge that she's not mine, that i'll never hold her, kiss her, smell her, feel her in my arms.