ramblings

today she leaves me for what seems like forever but is actually only an impossibly long time - 6 days. she'll be back in the office for two days next week, then gone for another 5. i wish she'd have been able to take the whole time off but she couldn't. i'm glad for me, because it means i'll get to talk to her again this year.

i'm having these meltdowns, panic attacks. three times now in four days. they come when i'm thinking about the reality of our situation - that i'll never have her. that there is no "us". what that means for the rest of my life. it's so wrong. we could be so right together. while we were talking yesterday i realized what the hole in my life is (besides -her- not being here). i'm not only alone, but i'm lonely. i want someone to love. but i only want it to be her. i have so much love i inside to give her. but it's hers and hers alone. i can't even imagine giving this love to anyone else, can't picture loving anyone else. can't even picture being with anyone else. i don't want to give my love, or me, to anyone else.

there's no room for anyone else in my heart. it's like i have to let my heart and my soul ?reabsorb? some of this love that i have for her, put it away somewhere safe. put it away because it'll never lessen, never be less. until then, there's no room for anyone else. and i don't want anyone else. any other love, any other lover would pale so much in comparison to her. it'd be a settling for so much less than what could be. what if there's never any room for anyone else? am i destined to always be lonely and alone because i love her so much? i want to, need to, hold her close, make love to her, tell her i love her. i always thought (and still do) that if i could somehow explain my feelings, tell her, show her what's in my heart for her that it would all work out. if she feels it too, how could it not work out? it's too perfect not to. i always thought that logic and reason and love would win out, even in the case of love. always thought that the rightness of what we feel would make it obvious that we need to be together, that we should be together. how could anything so right NOT prevail?

so maybe these long periods apart are a good time for me to start boarding up my heart. wrap it up tight so nothing leaks out, so she doesn't see it or feel it, because it doesn't do her any good to see it. so many people wait their whole lives for someone to love and for someone to love them. women (and some of us men, too) want someone who will love them unconditionally and completely and without reservation... a love that permeates every atom of their being. a perfect love, an infinite love. which is what i've found, what i have inside. but love is nothing if you keep it inside, its value comes when you give it away. and i can't give it away.