this hour

there's a new entry in the guiness book of records: the longest hour known to man. that would be the hour between getting here this morning and the earliest possible time she would call.

and it won't be an hour. what with being away over the holidays, plus the office being closed for the week, plus everything else, there'll be lots of office talking going on, so it'll probably be much later before she can find time.

-----

in many ways i'm such an incurable romantic. (probably another reason B said no to me and yes to him). yesterday i overheard a couple of people talking in the office and one woman said she'd gotten engaged over the holidays.

and even though i don't really know her and wasn't a part of the conversation, my immediate reaction was to chime in and say "that's so cool! my girlfriend(/lover/soulmate) got engaged on xmas too!"

i can only imagine the looks i would've gotten and how difficult that would have been to try to explain. and frankly, once the thought passed through my mind, it didn't seem so cool after all.

-----

it's been exactly 59 hours since she called me with the news. i wonder what's been happening in her world in that two and a half days. is the coffee table stacked high with modern bride magazines now? is there a list of reception halls to call? numerous potential dates circled on the calendar yet to be checked against other important dates, birthdays, holidays and travel plans?

has she changed her mind? rethought her yes? or has she completely jumped into it, purging all other distractions from her mind? is she breathless with the thought of how close she almost came to opening up her life to me and so thankful that she didn't? or is there perhaps a little twinge of regret that we didn't meet, at least once, before?

despite the hours of brain time i've spent thinking about all this, it hasn't been ?emotionally real? to me yet. but last night, this morning, and now every passing second is starting to bring with it the suffocating -feel- of the truth.

more than anything i want to believe that she's rushing to work, anxious to call, dying to tell me that it was all a mistake, that she's reconsidered, that she can't go through with it, that she's been dying to try to contact me to tell me so. but the truth of the matter is that there's been two full days in between - ample opportunity to find a way to make a quick phone call or send a text message or email.

i can tell myself that it's not final yet or that it's all a mistake or that she's come to her senses. but it's not me that has to say it. and she hasn't said it.

-----

a correction - a few days ago i wrote:

now just the holiday weekend and one extra day ... and the sun will rise in the east again.

who knew?

drawing dead

when she broke the news to me about bf's proposal and her "i didn't say no" response on sunday night there was something else she said: "nothing's been done that's irreversible".

another line i mistakenly interpreted as "even though i said no, i could still tell him yes". that twisted interpretation no doubt helped soften the impact during the last 48 hours. looking at it now though, it's clearly wrong. while it should provide a glimmer of hope that she's not 100% committed to marrying him, what it does do is to confirm that she told him "yes". not, like i thought previously, did she not say no, but she must have said yes. and although she could change that to a no, it's still a ?groundbreaking? (heartbreaking?) change. she's never said yes to him before, despite several proposals.

two sides of the same coin. two interpretations of the same event. we've been breathtakingly close the last three or four weeks. closer than we've been in a long time and, i was sure, closer to meeting than ever (she'd even agreed to a tentative date!), closer than ever to merging our futures into one. i was more sure than ever that she was going to leave him. and days later she accepts his proposal of marriage.

after she told me about it on sunday night, she had to hang up suddenly. now, i know her. and i know that if she needed me to know that my fears and assumptions about her accepting or not accepting his proposal and my worries/concerns/fears about our relationship and where (i thought) it was going, that she would find a way to call me or get a message to me, especially given that she knew our next "regular" time to talk would be over two days later. if she needed me to know, she'd find a way, no matter what.

yesterday was obscenely quiet.

today has been devastatingly quiet.

tonight will be hell.

and then tomorrow morning, waiting until she calls. not -if- she calls, because she will, even if it's to say goodbye. but will it be in the morning? i don't know, can't even guess. i do know that the later it gets past mid morning the worse it is... the more it confirms.

more thoughts

so i've been thinking - big surprise - and there's a couple of things that stick in my mind, both of them things she said to me when she told me that bf had proposed to her on christmas eve.

first of all, i realized that i was really naive for feeling unprepared, blind sided even, by bf's proposal to her. his life has turned around a lot in the last two months or so. he's stopped (pretty much) accusing her of cheating on him all the time, so a lot of the tension from that has been released from his thoughts. the other thing that was bothering him a lot was the lack of sex and her apparent disinterest in it. but she's told me that for a couple of months she's been getting back into sex at every opportunity and moving their sex life along, including asking for and getting the sex that she's wanted for a long time.

so with way less relationship tension and daily sex i'm sure things have been looking up for him. he's getting sex at least daily, plus whenever else she wants it, not to mention she's been requesting the more intense sex that she's wanted and been wanting for so long. who wouldn't think things have turned around?

so, all things considered, there's no way i should have been surprised that he'd propose again. i've certainly called a couple of previous proposals over the last 3.5 years. how the fuck did i miss this one? looking back, it's painfully obvious that it was in the works. hell, -i- proposed to her barely two weeks ago. (the answer was no.)

it's funny how sometime you can get so caught up in how great the ride is that you completely fail to see the "Bridge Out" sign.

so, there were two things she said that have been sticking in my head. "i didn't say 'no'" and "it'd be the worst thing for [her] and the best thing for [me]".

up until mid-morning today, i took "i didn't say 'no'" to be a positive thing. to my interpretation it meant "i didn't say 'yes' but i didn't turn him down flat either". hearing the words of my interpretation i dared to feel hope. since she hadn't said 'yes', i felt/assumed/hoped that she'd later tell him 'no'. and then i realized that i'd been hearing exactly what i -wanted- to hear, which was "i didn't say 'yes'". but that's not what she said, is it? what she said was "i didn't say 'no'". not that she didn't say 'yes', but that she didn't say 'no' - big, big difference. did she really say 'yes' but was just unable to tell me right out? did she leave it open with him, intending to give him her answer later and she wanted me to know that she hadn't -yet- accepted? then why tell me at all until she'd decided? or was my initial wishful thinking on track?

the other thing she said that's been bothering me was "...it'd be the worst thing for [her] and the best thing for [me]". i've told her so many times to please -not- make decisions about -our- relationship based on how she thinks it will affect my relationship with my fuck buddy. i hate that and she knows it. she knows damn well that the only reason i even have this fuck buddy is because B won't see me (yet). so to make a decision that runs contrary to the best interests of B & my relationship, the relationship that i consider the most important in my life, in the interests of any other relationship really irks me.

but anyway - if she really thinks that marrying bf would be the worst thing for her, they why the fuck would she have made the first comment? why would she have said 'yes' (if she did) instead of 'no'?

now that i think about it, there's something else she said last night that registered in my head but couldn't get my attention over the news of bf's proposal (my brain was already overloaded). i thought she'd said "i wrote you an email with my name and phone number and all that". clearly that's -big-... HUGE even.

i don't think she'd divulge that information (after all this time) if she wasn't ready to meet. or, at least if she hadn't been ready to before his proposal. if she'd accepted, she certainly wouldn't do it because agreeing to marry him would rule out ever meeting me. then i figured well, if she wrote the email before the proposal, i'd know by the datestamp and i'd just have to accept that she now regretted doing so. if, however, she sent the email after the proposal, then that would be a pretty strong indication that she was -not- going to marry him.

and of course, i was nuts all day trying to get to email somehow. and i was going nuts even knowing, KNOWING that she'd called me shortly after he proposed and before she had -any- possibility to send an email, but wishing gave no heed to reality. i did finally get to check it late in the day - almost 8pm her time. at which time the third possibility became clear to me.

there was no email. so, she hadn't sent it earlier in the day( and g-d, wouldn't THAT have been the best xmas gift i ever got?) and wouldn't have to regret doing it later.

and staring me in the face was the truth that she'd changed her mind about sending the email, about opening up to me and us. again. which means she doesn't want me to know who she is. which would seem to support the thought that "i didn't say 'no'" might just have really meant "i said 'yes'".

so now what

so now what do i do?

"he asked me a question". I knew immediately, of course, what the question was - i'd wanted to ask her the very same question within the last few weeks. i'd even specifically -not- asked her that question in the last few weeks even though i't been on my mind.

funny - i hadn't wanted to push her especially during the holiday season. it's really funny, considering i'd have done the exact thing he did.

how did i not see this coming?

she said "i didn't say no". ouch. i was sure she'd have said "no". instead, during this time of our relationship when i was more sure than any other that we were going to be together, she told me "i didn't say no".

and while i know that it doesn't mean she said "yes", it's not a "no" either, is it?

and so, at 0215 PT on december 25th, 2006 i sit in a mcdonalds on the strip in las vegas and ponder a future without her. she's told him "no" several times over the last four years and to be honest i never expected her to say "yes" - at least not since -we- began, and certainly not when we've been, over the last four weeks or so, closer to meeting, closer to each other and just closer in general.

or so i thought.

and as i sit here i have to wonder where my life went so wrong, where my future, my relationship with B left the tracks. and instead of counting down the days till we meet (because she has (had?) tentatively agreed to meet in feb), i have to switch to counting down the days until she becomes mrs bf.

wow. how could i have been so wrong? even within the whole of our time together, i've never been more sure that we'd meet, -soon-, and start being together soon afterward.

instead of hearing "i don't love him" or "i want to be with you" she said "i didn't say no".

otoh, i guess i shouldn't be too surprised - it's exactly what i'd have done, had i had the opportunity.

and so it's official - hope was knocked to the curb at 1105 pm et on christmas eve, 2006. it's so ironic because after how we've been for the past few weeks, i was positive, POSITIVE, that this would be the last xmas we celebrated apart from each other. instead it'll remain forever embedded in my memory as the last xmas that i -thought- we'd ever spend apart and the last xmas i ever had a chance to know her before she decided to marry him.

while my love is away

the weekend wasn't too bad, all things considered. i got to see my daughter and we had a great time together. having my days with my daughter be good ones helped build on the overall good feelings left in me from the friday before with B.

she was with me the whole weekend. it helped that i had a pretty good idea of what she'd be doing all weekend as she was preparing for her trip. it was a pleasant surprise that she called me from the office saturday night and again from a pay phone once she got to her destination on sunday. there's nothing quite like looking at your phone, seeing a number that you don't recognize but that you know is from the city she's in and then hearing her voice on the line. now -that- is a sweet, sweet surprise.

i think because she was home until sunday, at the same time i was away, made it easier to "break up" our time apart. she was home and i was traveling, then she traveled, then i went home, then she'll come home.

anyway, i've felt her presense in my heart this whole time. for xmas i gave her a bracelet she wanted (and about the only thing she's ever said she'd have asked me for if we were together). it's surprisingly calming to be able to visualize and know that something of me is with her all the time.

now just the holiday weekend and one extra day (she's off tuesday too) and we'll be back in touch. and the sun will rise in the east again.

seeing the future

another year comes to an end. for B and i, this is our fourth xmas holiday season. tomorrow i leave to see my daughter for a few days and on sunday B leaves to go away for a week with bf. but for -us- today is our last day together for 12 days. (not exactly the 12 days of christmas, huh?).

days off are bad enough. weekends more so. weeks even more so. and while there will be a huge empty spot in my next 12 days, she'll still be with me. what's a little surprising to me is my reaction - it's not what it's always been in the past, which is great anxiety and this looming sense of emptiness. it's -there-, i'm aware of it deep inside.

but this time it's different, there's a kind of calm that surrounds all that. it's the calm of knowing that -we- are waiting at the end of the time. it's a serenity from knowing that even though we'll be apart and out of touch, we'll still be very much together; she'll be with me, in me, as i will be with her. i have no sense of concern about whether or not she'll come back to me and us from this time away - none whatsoever. i KNOW that she'll be back and that it will be a -reunion- not a reintroduction.

there's another element to the calm i feel, although one i'm almost hesitant to voice. it's something i've always wanted and even felt that it was a possibility, but now it feels more like a certainty. dare i hope or think that this will be the last xmas we'll be apart? i feel it.

i know it.

hello again

well. it's been almost two weeks and a lot has happened; more in a later posting.

in the meantime....

cliche' of the day: it's always darkest just before the dawn.

cliche', yes. but accurate too.

last week was the darkest time i can remember. she went away for almost three whole days in the middle of the week. i was useless. devastated. and when the third day dawned, i knew that all was lost.

and then she called. and since then we've talked. and talked. serious, important, open talks.

and while things still aren't where we'd both like them to be, we're getting there.

even while knowing that there are no guarantees in life... my mood can best be described as "giddy".

the end of love +3 days

one side of my heart is positive she'll call today. how could she not? could she really give up over three years of this relationship in just three days?

the other side of my heart sits in the corner, afraid to look at the passing of the day, knowing that this is just the beginning of the time after B. she's left for good. she'll be back at some point, not to come back but just to stop in and say hi before she moves on.

and i'll stand here, numb and disbelieving that she could let go and move on and watch her as she walks out of my life forever. i'll watch her for a long time, call after her for a long time, begging her to reconsider, to please, please give us a chance, to please give us the chance to see how we'd be in the real world.

and when it's finally obvious to me that she is not going to turn around, not going to come back, never going to let us see how we'd have been together, i will stand and wait as the darkness returns to my world.

damned if i do, damned if i don't

it's a classic no-win situation and one she's put me in before.

she wanted to hear me tell her that i understand her point of view, her perspective and take on what's been happening lately with us. and that's what i want to do, is to write her an email(s) trying to tell her that very thing, trying to ?explain? what's happened, what transpired between us, how i felt, that i acknowledged her point of view - all of that.

here's the problem: if i do that now, she'll think i'm only doing it to get her to talk again and she won't believe that i really mean any of it. yet if i don't do it now (thinking that perhaps waiting till next week might be better) she'll see not getting an email from me as an indication that i really don't understand, really don't care.

no win.

as happened a couple years ago with my friend E, she pushed and demanded to know the answers to questions she asked about my relationship with my fuck buddy D. and, just as she did with E, when she got the answers that she asked for (but didn't really want), she used that as justification to pull back and in this case, cut off all contact. again, no win.

she wouldn't let me be with her. and i don't think i can be without her.

that was then, this is now

and "now" does not include an "us".

she's gone. she made no attempt to contact me yesterday and hasn't today. she's not responding to emails or phone or im.

i don't exist for her except for those random moments when perhaps i pop into her head. while she might experience a second of the old good feelings, i suspect it causes her immediate pain, followed by her pushing me and us and all that we had and were completely out of her head.

i miss you B. please, please, please come back.

please?

hurt vs honesty

i should have learned by now that with her, trying to avoid hurting her by obscuring the truth is ultimately harmful and ten times as hurtful.

and still i did it, again. by trying to shield her from the pain i knew i'd cause her i've managed to crush her and us. again.

reminds me of the adage "a stitch in time saves nine", only changed to "complete honesty and a little hurt now saves ten times the hurt that will come later from less than complete honest and trying to avoid the hurt".

stupid. stupid. stupid.

i've loved her until she can't stand me.

peripheral vision

it's a quirk of vision that often times we can't see things we're looking directly at and the only (or the best) way is to not look directly at it, instead, by looking off to the side and noticing the object in your peripheral vision, it becomes visible. for example, if you're trying to look for a jet high in the sky and far away you likely won't see it unless you concentrate your attention not on the center of your field of vision but -around- the center.

it's more than just a peculiarity of vision.

i'm a middle aged guy. and like most middle aged guys, things like your own mortality, cholesterol levels, life/diet changes and the like come into your world. faithful readers (oh, that'd be me ;-)) know that my life has one purpose now - to share it with B. if that can't or isn't gonna happen, then whatever happens, happens; who cares?

my cholesterol is now officially high and i've been told to make dietary changes or go on meds which i don't really want to do. actually, i don't want to do either. without sounding overly ?dramatic? or whatever, the truth of the matter is that if a life with B isn't in my future, what the fuck is the difference if i'm able to extend my life by 5 or even 10 years? it's not like i want to end my life now if she were to tell me that that future isn't gonna happen. i still want to live at least a few more years; i'd like to see my daughter graduate and (years later!!) get married, maybe even become a mom. but to give up all the "good stuff" to have more years at the tail end without B? why? what's the point?

so, even though i worried that i wouldn't get the answer i wanted, i posed a simple question: "if i knew that you (B) and i were -never- gonna get together, is there even any -reason- for me to want to live longer"? IE, if it -is- possible then of course i would want to. if it's not gonna happen, if there's not even a chance, why bother?

the answer was "no".

quick. certain. no hesitation.

that was the left eye.

one thing we've talked about several times is kids, babies, having a family. from the beginning she's said she didn't really think she wanted any kids, although she wasn't 100% sure. certainly one of the ?contributing factors? in her staying with bf has been to have a family, especially given my age, etc. i have told her that outside of her, i would never see myself fathering another child. yet, the thought of having a baby with her, despite the challenges that go with a much older parent, the thought of having a family with her is... appealing. i rather suspect she senses those same challenges and they make the thought less than desirable.

as we're talking today she says "i wish i had already had the kid(s)/family and they were older so i could move on to the next part of my life, like you".

that was the right eye.

i've been looking directly at her, at us, at the future i want for so long. the object of my desire. the quest of my life. my holy grail.

left eye + right eye + peripheral vision = sight?

at least i don't have to diet now. think i'll have a double cheeseburger and large fries for lunch.

and dinner.

emotional dichotomy

every time she pulls away from me or shuts down or jabs at me, it's as though there's a rope tied around my heart and it gets pulled right out of my chest. and every time she's with me and close and open and laughing and the B that i know so well, it sets my soul soaring.

both these might happen over the course of a week, a day or even in the same conversation.

she thinks because i have a fuck buddy now that i don't need her as much, so she pushes away, sublimates her feelings so that knowledge doesn't hurt.

don't need her as much? that's not even close to the truth. if anything, i need her more.

yes, i enjoy the time i spend with my fuck buddy. but the time i spend there reminds me all the more and all the more strongly of just what B and i are missing out on. and makes our separation all the more painful.

how much more the same time spent with B would be. she said the other day that my life was now "fulfilling". fulfilling? hardly. fun, yeah. but fulfilling? no. what would be fulfilling would be to spend that time with the one who is the other half of my soul. fulfilling would be to be able to turn to B and as our eyes meet immediately feel the connection that binds us, to feel the rush of intimacy that envelopes us even though we may be physically separated. fulfilling would be to walk past her, brushing my fingertips along her arm as i past and to feel the electric current flow between us, the jolt that says "she is my other half", that says "truly, these two souls are one".

why does she doubt it now? i understand why the knowledge of my fuck buddy hurts. i understand why she imagines it to be so much more than it is. i can understand, at the level that the majority of people live at, how she might doubt where my feelings and heart lie. but why, when she has felt what i've felt, when she too knows the feeling of being completed by another, how could she doubt us?

there are things in our life that are transient, passing and there are things that are enduring, lasting, unbreakable and even ?eternal?. fuck buddies are transient. temporary circumstances are transient. jobs and homes and financial situations and physical possessions are transient.

the joining of two souls transcends all else. when the fuck buddies and the jobs and homes and the money have passed on, the bond between us will continue.

i don't often pray for g-d's help. but when he has given us each other, given us the gift of finding each other, i must.

please g-d, give us the strength to get past the circumstances that keep us apart. let her not doubt us and this and me. let the knowledge of the rightness and the uniqueness of who we are to each other give her (and i) the strength to persevere.

we will make it through this.

we will be together.

how could it be otherwise?

counting down the hours till

it's almost like it was two years ago. it's the terrible waiting, waiting for time to pass so i can get back to her. two years ago the thanksgiving holiday was terrible for her, i knew it from the message i got that thursday morning, and then the three days of waiting until that monday so we could talk again was interminably long.

i know she's only 12 or so hours away but it seems so distant. distant - that's exactly what i fear she'll be - distant. is she too willing the hours to pass quickly so we can be back in touch? or has she even thought about it, has she even missed 'us' this long weekend?

yet tomorrow when finally we do talk, i can't be how i want to be. i can't tell her that i missed her all weekend - she won't believe it. i can't tell her how utterly disappointed i was when i called her phone over the weekend and she didn't answer, even though i knew that there was absolutely no way she'd answer since it was locked away in a closet. i can't tell her that i don't want us to spend another thanksgiving (or -any- holiday, for that matter) apart because she'll tell me how i should be glad i'm finally living out my "real" life.

she almost doesn't want to hear it, preferring to believe that i've moved on, when nothing could be further from the truth. i'm doing more now, yes; seeing someone, yes. but "moved on"? it's such a preposterous notion. you don't "move on" from the one whose very existence makes your own have some meaning. you find diversions or distractions perhaps. but to "move on"?

i wonder sometimes if her pushing me away is a way for her to justify her not making the changes in her life that i think she really wants to make. as if she can say my interests have shifted away from her and us and because of it, she'd then be silly to make changes in her life.

and yet, nothing could be further from the truth - at least not for me.

it was this time last year that she told me she needed to live her life, to really give it a chance and see if it was the life she wanted before she made a decision to stay or leave. she wanted to give it a few months and give it a fair chance. and a few turned into several and then into another year. and now i wonder - where will we be a year from now? will she decide that the life she has is really what she's wanted all along but that she hasn't been giving it her attention and that she needs to do that - at the cost of us? or will she come to the ?realization?understanding? (as i did three years ago) that our futures should not be separate but rather lived and enjoyed as they should be - together? one part of me says that if she hasn't come to that realization by now that every day that passes makes it less and less likely. and another part says that perhaps (as she's said before) the timing wasn't right and that each day that passes brings us closer to that eventual, possible future.

the only future i want. the same future i saw, wanted and chose three years ago.

holidays, take 1

and so we sit on the eve of another holiday. another extended absence.

tonight is also the two year ?anniversary? (not that it's a happy event) of him finding her phone. that night certainly ranks as one of those "best of times/worst of times" events.

it was a great night initially. she called me about midnight and we talked for over three hours. at that point, we'd already begun losing saturdays and tuesdays, so having a leisurely, extended conversation, especially a completely unexpected one, was a real treat. the conversation was light, easy, fun; we were -us-.

then about 315 she said "oh shit, gotta go". that was the last i heard from her until the next morning. i got a voicemail from her that said "(sigh) bf found the phone...". wow. i knew immediately that a) she'd had a terrible night and b) everything had just changed.

g-d did it ever.

she's closing the office early today. (shit, why didn't i think of that? i hate being caught unawares, especially when it means less of her). and then she's gone for almost five days.

she'll have five days. with no distractions.

they'll have five undisturbed days together.

i wonder where she'll be when she gets back..

too much time

for once, we have too much time. too much time ahead of us where we'll be out of touch. and it couldn't have come at a worse time - one day away from a 4 day weekend, then she's out almost all of the last half of december.

how is it that we can get off track then both continue to misunderstand the other, leading us farther off the path?

for three years i've tried to win her heart.

now i'm just trying to get her attention.

punched in the gut.

blindsided - me.

gone - her.

hurting - both of us?

we're both seeing our own interpretation of reality. i'm sure that neither of us has it quite right. but she's convinced enough that she's right that she's ready, willing and (apparently) able to kill our relationship.

just like all the relationships in my life have done nothing to prepare me for her, nothing in my life has prepared me to act appropriately either. just as our relationship is so different from anything experienced before, or expected for that matter, so too the ?normal? patterns/issues/responses learned in other relationships just don't hold true in this relationship.

instead of being tentative, as i normally would in situations, i should have been myself, should have acted like that man she grew to know and love. instead i reacted to her, in times of conflict/stress, in a conventional way, not trusting the relationship and her and my own gut knowledge of how we were. and conventional, "normal" reactions are not/were not appropriate for this relationship, itself far beyond normal or conventional.

instead of fearing her negative reaction and being tentative, i should have treated her with confidence and trust and security that -this- relationship, that -we- would be able handle any situations that might come along.

instead of backing off when i felt i was doing something wrong (ie, "cheating" on her, even though with her encouragement and support) and giving her space because that's what would be needed in a conventional relationship, i should have embraced her, trusted her, made her a part of it.

so ironically, in my determined efforts to protect the most important relationship in my life from the ill effects of the particular difficulties that are (and have been, from the beginning) a part of this relationship, i only pushed her to think that our relationship had changed.

my fears brought about the very thing i feared the most.

another example of how the universe plays cruel jokes. my fear of damaging the relationship did so, yet my love, all the love that i could give her couldn't bring her to me.

oh, uh, nevermind

monday mornings. finally, the weekend is over. she'll be back into work soon. my world can start again. get a few things done before she gets into work. knowing that as i do, she'll be finishing getting ready and then driving to work.

a couple of quick "hi's" on chat, then a phone call.

and then this chat:

her
me

think i need some time away
from? me? work? life?
yes
sorry
i can only help with one of those
yeah, but it's a start

do you have any idea when you'll be back? or even if?
maybe after the first of the year. i don't know.
omg
yeah. whatever. ya know? you'll have plenty going on.

"whatever", she says. after three years i still have a hard time getting through weekends without her. now she thinks that six weeks will be easy? and six weeks is just the minimum. she may decide never to come back. and then what?

this fake chat bullshit is getting old.
and i don't need it

"fake chat bullshit". she's always hated anything resembling fake, anything not real. now she characterizes our chat as "fake chat bullshit".

i can't afford to need you anymore.

do you think of me and get any good thoughts/feelings anymore?
i don't see it as "fake silent chat" at all... but me not imposing on you .
ALL THE TIME
i think of and about you ALL THE TIME.
not me. i have to block you from my mind because of the thoughts that come along with it, and how you've/we've changed.

how can this have happened? i need her more than ever. i hold on to her, and us, and hope for a future we can share more than ever. and now, thoughts of me only bring her pain.

why stay???
are you serious?
yeah. what do i get other than pain and loss and watching you move on?

pain and loss and watching [her] move on. things i'm intimately familiar with. years of pain as she held back, pain everyday as she went home to him.

too bad you didn't listen to what i had to say. too bad i didn't listen to myself a long time ago.
anyhow, bye

and with that, she's gone.

and again

another friday, another weekend. more days, lost days, without her.

more days lost forever. more time we'll never have and never be able to get back.

and zero chance of talking.

so today, again, i have to act like everything's okay, like it's no big deal that she's going off into her life and i'm going off into mine.

it's not okay. it's not okay on SO MANY LEVELS.

it sucks. sucks sucks sucks.

but i have to send her off to her life with him with a smile even as my heart collapses.

just another day? hardly...

she sounds good today; strong, in control, even ?purposeful? or maybe like she's found her direction.

and, somehow, detached.

don't get me wrong, our talks (the little we've had because of shit going on at work) have been good. i'm definitely the weak link in this relationship today - i'm just completely, completely overwhelmed. everything, and i mean everything seems to be going to shit. all at once.

when we talked at lunch, i'd just finished some hot bug fixes and was coming down off a six hour adrenalin high. as that artificial energy subsided and my brain cleared enough to finally let something else in, i could feel myself ---- falling. down, down, down.

all the shit happening now. finishing up a high pressure 3 weeks at work. still in the middle of a fucked up move. so much stuff left undone in my personal life.

and her. her voice is calm, warm, as inviting and ?reassuring? as it's ever been. she's there for me, supportive, helpful. but behind her voice, i'm aware of her detachment, her hurt, aware of her repositioning herself in her life. and the terrible, terrible echo of yesterdays revelation to me: we're at different levels, different places now. and we'll never be in the same place again.

yet, if feels so good, so natural to feel her support, her comforting presence.

and it feels so utterly hopeless to remember what she said:

we'll never be in the same place again

this is certainly not my first day without her; more like the 1,209th day without her. those days were bearable because i thought there was still a chance for us to be together. what the fuck do i do about the 11,000 days to come? i've barely made it through 12% of the amount of time i'll have known her in my life.

fuck.

is it really to much to ask to at least be able to meet, see, hold & kiss "the one" that g-d put here for me just before i die?

lost and directionless

it's overwhelmingly difficult. she's so hurt, so lost, so... alone? and she won't help herself (other than by shutting down) and she won't let me help.

so we go through the day hurting and alone. we're both craving the same thing but neither of us can get there. me, because she needs to initiate the changes and she's unable to do that. until she starts things in motion, -we- can't go anywhere. she's unable to summon the strength or the willpower to make the changes that she needs and (i'm pretty sure) wants to make.

she's scared to leave him. he's the only real adult life and relationship she's ever known and leaving it and him -has- to be a scary proposition. i'd hope that the promise of a much better relationship (we both think it would be better) would be enough to motivate her to summon the courage and the strength to make the change, but it doesn't seem to be motivating her. at least, it's not motivation -enough- to prompt her to take action.

so instead we stay here, in a place where neither of us is happy, where neither of us will -ever- be happy, living lives we don't really want because she can't leave him and i can't have her until she does. because she can't bring herself to make the move and because i've been in ?suspended animation? for so long, she's encouraged me to get out, to find a date, a friend or friend with benefits or a fuck buddy. until i ran across the now-single woman who was a former 3-some pal. that one was the -one- woman B couldn't handle. all because of an unfortunate comment i made when i first met her.

so now the knowledge of my evening and weekend activities (or at least, as B imagines it to be) is more than she can handle. so she shuts down, pushes me and -us- away from her. verbally jabs at me. purposely holds herself back, not letting herself become a part of the -us- that we've been for so long.

and everytime she proclaims the helplessness of our situation or tells me how she'll never forget these last months as the worst of her life, or tells me how the part of her that i know (and that no one else does) is shutting down, dying, never to be renewed, i feel complete and utter helplessness in my heart. how can she say those things? how can she POSSIBLY think that anything i do now, anything i do while waiting for her, could come between us? i understand that it hurts and that it's hard to watch someone you love go to be with another person (i know what that's like - i've watched her leave me and go home to her bf every night for over three years). but when she says things like that it makes me feel sure that despite telling me repeatedly that if/when she was free that she'd seek me out no matter what, i don't feel that assuredness anymore.

i'm afraid. i'm afraid of the very things i've been afraid would happen. she's retreating, choosing to take the easier, non-emotional route, choosing to avoid having to deal with the pain (and joy) of real emotions and instead just shutting down, sublimating herself and her feelings rather than rock the boat and hurt his feelings, rather than have to deal with the conflict and the difficult times that breaking up with him would cause.

so instead we both suffer. no, we all three suffer. he's not happy - he constantly accuses her of cheating on him, saying he'll catch her. she's under constant suspicion, under terrible internal stress and confusion. she's unhappy in a relationship she can't find the strength to leave. and i'm unhappy because of all the above, because she's unhappy and hurting, and yes, because she and i aren't sharing the life we're meant to share. he'll live an essentially loveless, grey life with someone who doesn't really want to be with him. she'll live an empty, hollow existence falling deeper and deeper into despair and disconnectedness. and i'll carry an empty spot in my heart and in my life until i finally settle for a "consolation life".

there has to be a better way.

as nickleback said, in yet another song, "..this life hasn't turned out quite the way i want...".

the unbearable lightness of being (alone)

this is the first time i've really felt it in a long time.

after a not-so-great day, she told me, about 15 minutes ahead of time, that she was gonna leave early (fine, 5, so "on time") so she could get some pc stuff done at home. two minutes on the phone and bam! gone.

then i made another trip moving crap from old place to new place. not only did the movers not show up and i wound up having to move it all myself, but the new landlady might be ... an issue.

good night at poker though. it's fun and i think my playing's getting better. but no way to share my fun with b. go home alone.

early up for the dentist. two hours in the chair. sent b several messages after the time she got in. no response. not even a hi.

and .... the reason she had to leave early, the pc work? didn't get to it. maybe tonight. wonder if that means she'll be leaving early again?

this feeling of loneliness really started descending on me at the dentist. every minute that passed was accentuated by knowing that not only was she not there, not willing to share daily life with me, but not even there, period.

it's only time.. no biggie

friday's have always been a mixed day for us. for a long time, friday afternoons meant an extended time together, often 2+ hours and often sex or at least much intimacy. and fridays always meant that saturday (when we had saturday mornings) was just around the corner.


it was also bittersweet because after we lost saturdays, it was the kickoff to two and a half days apart.

and now?

she needs to put distance between us before the weekend. and i still need (have always needed) to pull her closer.

she wins. as usual.

she doesn't usually take lunch on fridays either because of her leaving early. so often, i don't either and i eat after she's left for the day, so as to maximize the time we have to talk. "go" she says, "it's only fifteen minutes". to me, it's 15 minutes that we won't even have the -opportunity- to talk.

"it's only 15 minutes" she says. on the same day she tells me she's leaving early.

to go home. to bf.

fuck fuck fuck

it's like going from the top of mt. everest to the bottom of the marianas trench in less than 5 minutes.

the day started great because she called early. we chatted and had good conversation. i asked her hard questions, questions i've long wanted to know the true answers to.

i couldn't have asked for more. all the answers were exactly what i wanted to hear, what i'd always hoped her answers were. from those answers, all roads seem(ed) to point to an -us-. except i did what a) she asked me not to do and b) what i said i wouldn't do, which was to send those questions and answers to her in an email. i don't know why, looking back. i remember thinking that maybe if those particular questions and her answers were all in one place, they'd be a coherent, complete thought and maybe she hadn't considered them all together before.

do you love me (as in -in- love with me)? do you want to be together? can you see us together? could you be happy as an -us-? do you love him more than me? the answers i'd hoped for were there and all positive. welcome to the summit of mt everest. then we had to take a break and i wanted to ask other questions, including a biggie: will you leave him and be with me? but i never got to ask that, because of that fucking email i sent.

and it poisoned the rest of the day. she pulled back. she was more distant, less personal. she didn't make time to talk until just a few minutes before she had to go. then when we're on the phone and she says to hold on so she can take another call, she hangs up on me. twice. then lastly, she calls back and says "i gotta go. bye."

welcome to the marianas trench.

will i never fucking learn?

silly me

ya know how sometimes you do something with the best of intentions, and it turns out wrong? or you think there was something special about an event and you go to talk about it and it turns out you saw it differently than everyone else, and you were waaaay off base?

and so it is, again.

such nice, meaningful thoughts i had about our conversation yesterday afternoon. it was so good that i was able to look at how we'd been during that (i thought) rather personal conversation, see where i could have been better and more importantly, to look at my behavior in general and at how other conversations have gone -not- so well, and understand where i've been wrong and how i can be better in the future. better for her, better for us and just better in general.

time spent last night pondering these topics, good feelings from feeling that i'd understood something i hadn't understood before, something that's affected us many times. going to bed feeling like it'd been a good day overall - not only had we had a conversation about something very personal to her, but our interaction, the -tone- of our interaction, had been good. waking this morning and remembering it all. feeling good about her and us and waiting for her to get in so we could talk.

she didn't even remember the conversation.

then i asked her if she wanted to talk for a few minutes before we got started on our days. seh said she thought she'd just get right to work "cuz we already got all the basic questions out of the way".

ah. i see.

two sides to every coin

it's pretty much official: i'm an asshole.

i'm always complaining about the state of my life, bemoaning the fact that B won't have me, whining that it's so much harder for me because she has the life she wants and i don't.

all is not goodness and light in her life either. i'm sure, have been for some time, that she doesn't tell me everything that goes on. she certainly doesn't relate to me the conflict and stress that's present in her life. she does tell me, but mostly the highlights, not the details, and she seldom talks about how it really affects her.

it doesn't change the reality of my day to day existence, doesn't make her absence in my life any easier to bear, but it does shame me for being so self-centered. i have to stop ?trying? to make her feel bad because i feel bad - when she has her own share of sadness and hurt to deal with.

maybe if i could put all my hurts aside it'd let us start being the friends we really are. even if she never wants to be more than friends, it'll be so much better, -we'll- be so much better when i let us be us and stop trying to make her feel my hurts.

lyrics in life

yet again, i'm borrowing lyrics (from Nickelback, Savin' Me) because they talk to me, they -fit- in my life and what i want to say to B.

My comments/additions in italics

All I need is you
how many times have i told you this? and still you don't believe me
Come please I'm callin'

Show me what it's like to be the one you love
To be the last one standing if only we could stand together
And teach me wrong from right without you is wrong, with you, right
And I'll show you what I can be if only you'd let me love you
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
how many times have i told you i'd leave everything behind to be with you?
Say it if it's worth saving me is it baby? is that future worth the cost?


And all I see is you you're all around me, everywhere
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story i know this feeling of desperation
And oh I scream for you
have you ever heard me baby? have you heard the fear and loneliness in my voice?
have you felt my desperation?
Come please I'm callin' please... please
And all I need from you is for you to tell me you love me
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

And all I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me is it baby?
can you see enough good in -our- future, enough of what could be, to be worth your time, your heart, your life?
baby, if it's worth it, please, i beg you, tell me, save me, join me, love me.

Say it if it's worth saving me
so far... it's not

the times they are a'changin...

i was thinking back to our golden days. (i wonder if those'll ever return?). before we got our first phones, she'd call me as soon as she got into the office. then we got the phones. she didn't call when she got in, but that was fine because we'd talk all during her commute. then we lost those phones. and ever since, even after we got the new phones, it's different.

we don't get to talk during her commute because she won't take the phone home. so she calls me when she gets into the office. well, sometime after she gets in. it's never right away anymore. it's after good mornings, after chit-chat, after putting out fires, whenever she gets a minute. it could be 30 minutes, it could be two hours.

now, she doesn't even want to talk in the morning. maybe lunch time.

great, huh? i'm so happy i've managed to help build this relationship into something so important.

dark days

These are uncertain, scary times.

i don't know where her head is or where her heart is. the easy answer would be that her heart is at home with bf. i'm still not sure that's completely accurate.

meanwhile, we go through the day ?tentatively?. we have less contact and less interaction than ever. i hear hurt in her voice and see it in her words. i feel the hurt, mine and hers, in my heart.

and yet, it's her choice that we're here. she says she can't move. can't or won't? she's scared to move, to change everything that is the life she's built with him. she wants change. she just doesn't want the change more than she fears the loss of him.

and as of today, she's more invested in their life together than ever, less interested than ever in a life with me, and putting more distance between us.

not a great prognosis.

and none of that matters because...

now she's gone. done.

now what do i do?

it figures, too... just when things were looking up for the first time in a long, long time. she and i were finding our way back, back to being the friends we are deep inside. things were starting to get a little better at home for her. i'm back on meds and starting to feel a little better. i joined an activity to get out of the house. i've been looking for a new place to live and just found one.

i hooked up with someone.

so while she said it was okay and what she wanted me to do, obviously not. she doesn't want to be with me, WON'T be with me, but doesn't want me to be with anyone else either.

and now -she- doesn't want me in her life at all.

oblivion, here i come. there's not much left in this life now. i had hopes of managing to somehow live day to day until the time she left and wanted to be with me. (yes, i believed it would someday happen.)

no longer a viable dream.

now what?

denial, truth, honesty, respect

i think it was a screw up, she says not.

she called me from her desk phone without blocking the number. she says it showed the company name and number (not their main number, btw) of the company that bought the calling card. i've never heard of a calling card that worked like that, but i'll grant it's possible.

of course she says it's not right, it's not her, not really her number. i told her not to worry, that i wouldn't call her. besides, i couldn't ask for her by the name i know, and if i did get her on the phone with her real name, she'd claim she didn't know me, etc., which she's done twice before. one of those times, i thought she was going to come clean, but she didn't.

i asked her to please respect me enough to stop lying to me. she claims she's not and that i'm mistaken. problem is there's too many coincidences over the last three years.

she's always been big on being respected and very, very angry and hurt when i've done anything that she thought was disrespectful of her. it's never really been a big deal to me, but as i think about our situation now, i'm really feeling it. with so much evidence (admittedly much of it compiled vs. first hand verified) that irrefutably points to who she really is, i'm really starting to feel ... disrespected. played, even.

does she ?pride? herself on being able to keep me in the dark for so long? maybe bf knows all about me and she and bf recap the days' chats and talks and chuckle at how clueless i am? does she feel that i'm so completely fooled, so sheepishly accepting, so easily duped that she's got me completely wrapped up in the tale i'm given?

how can she possibly have any respect for me? if she had ANY respect for me how could she continue to lie to me? i've believed for a long time that she'll never come clean with me BECAUSE of the lies, the fabricated identity she's had to keep up for so long. i think she'd have too hard a time getting over the ?shame/something?, loss of face for having lied to me for so long, especially given that i knew (suspected) who she was almost from the very beginning and at every occasion where something else came to light that she had to explicitly deny, she got more and more deeply invested with the lie, and because of that, she can NEVER come clean with me. it'd be more important to her to not look like someone who'd do that than it would be to be together. and we already know that her and i getting together isn't a big priority for her. hell, she's willing to let parts of her very identity die and get buried rather than hurt his fucking FEELINGS. so if she won't save herself to avoid hurting his feelings, then certainly my feelings of being played are of absolutely no consequence to her.

and if she has no respect for me, then love would seem to be out of the question, wouldn't it? on the other hand, if she loved me, you'd think she'd want to meet me, especially after so long.

oh, right. she isn't meeting me, is she?

this can't be good

i knew it, i knew it, i knew it.

she's said many times that i should find someone to see; a date, a friend, a fuck buddy, a friend with benefits. for halloween i went downtown and saw a woman i haven't seen in several months. i'd had a regular threesome with her and her husband but that ended abruptly. now she's getting unmarried. we talked, we drank, we hung out. we fucked.

i told B. she said she was happy, that she was glad i found someone to fuck. but there were subtle changes in her throughout the day. she didn't chat. changed her mind about going out to lunch and decided not to talk on the phone. decided to leave early coz bf was sick, did i want to talk for a minute before she left?

even worse, she said something that really bothered me. she said that her being there forever was starting to look more and more like reality.

it's bad for me that she's already accepted that we won't meet. but it's so much worse for her to be trapped in a relationship (she says) she doesn't want or like. she has no (apparent) reason to stay and nothing to hold her there. nothing legal, just some financial entanglements.

oh, but there's "his feelings". his parents had problems with infidelity, so she just couldn't leave him that way, it'd be terrible for him. aww. so instead she'll live her life drowning in nothingness. just to save his fucking feelings. too bad she hasn't seen what spending the rest of your life in a loveless, dull, boring marriage can do to you.

on the other hand, she has every opportunity to leave, so why doesn't she? a couple years ago, when things were better at home, getting in her car to leave was fairly common. now that things are shitty, she never even thinks about it.

the problem probably lies with me. she says she hates it but won't leave. says she wants me, love me, but won't meet. hates when he touches her but still thinks staying will help her get over that. obviously, i'm seeing what i want to see. i want to believe that she's a 30 y.o. single sexy woman who drives a silver benz who's working to free herself from a bad situation, not a 35 y.o. married woman who drives a blue benz who has a friend on the internet who she has never and will never intend to meet.

even when i told her about a potential job opportunity which would mean a significant reduction in the amount of time we get to talk and chat, she was okay with it.

for her, all roads lead to bf.

for me, i can't get there from here. or anywhere, apparently.

another one, gone for good.

and so another day passes.

fifteen minutes with her this morning. and no chat because she got distracted.

and another day wasted. another day we could have been together but weren't - because... well, because one person wanting it isn't enough, is it?

another day that, should she ever change her mind and decide it might be worth a shot, we can never get back, never get a second chance at.

another day i wanted something she doesn't, another day started with cautious hope and optimism and ending with stark reality. another no on the tally. another day when, without even thinking about it, she goes home to him.

and another one tomorrow. and the next day.... ad infinitum.

and still... no.

four days. then fifteen minutes. and now five more hours.

i hate not being in the top 2 things on her "most important list". hell, i'd settle for top 50.

but i guess that's nothing compared to knowing that she doesn't feel the same thing(s) i feel.

i'm worried about the color of the carpet and the contruction plans have been denied.

duh.

huh

a nice hello.

then off to a small family ?crises?....

ever get the feeling that some things just aren't meant to be?

regular days, life & lessons

at the root of it is not being able to understand -how- she can stay away, stay apart and be so okay with it.

when she's gone for so long all kinds of things occur to me as possible scenarios for what she's been doing.

the biggest and hardest is that she's had a revelation, that some kind of understanding has happened for her and she's realized, without a doubt, that she is where she belongs, and "oh-my-g-d what the hell have i been doing??". that suddenly life is good between them, that all it better, that their connection is restored, deepened, strengthened.

or i wonder if things are the same for her as they've been and it's just been more of the same kind of days. but why wouldn't she want and try to get in touch?

or i wonder if she's left him, that she's spent the last 4 days moving his stuff out of the house, working out the details of who gets what, of how to split their properties and investments and money. but wouldn't she have at called? at least to say, hey, or for support? besides, she's got a party in a few days, and she'd never leave with that coming up. what would people think? and soon it'll be turkey day and they sometimes go away to his family and how could she leave him then, wouldn't that be shitty? and what would people think? and then a couple of weeks later is xmas and all that, and how could she leave him then, wouldn't that be a crappy thing to do. and what would people think? besides, they already have plans. so no, she didn't leave him. and isn't going to.

so it comes down to it's just been a few more regular days for her. home time, him time, living life time.

i'm learning, catching on, starting to figure it out. and part of me, and the dream, dies with every lesson.

quittin' time

ok then. it's five her time and i haven't heard from her, so it's not gonna happen.

i guess i was too good at convincing her to leave me behind and enjoy her time off.

what if she likes the peace and quiet without me? what if she's truly reaccustomed herself to being fully back in her/their life? at least she'll have gotten back to where she needed to be, where she's wanted to be all along and then i can fade away into the sunset.

in seventeen hours we'll know.

so there

i really thought she'd make the effort to call, email, im, something.

on the other hand, she finally took some of my advice - to relax, not worry about work. or me.

can't say i'm happy about it.

i guess i really -am- hard to please.

lyrics borrowed from Nickelback, Someone That You're With

This whole thing's like
some sort of race
Instead of winning what I want
I'm sitting here in second place

...
Because somewhere
the one I wanna be with's
with somebody else

...
Oh g-d, I wanna be that
someone that you're with

...
I've got to be that
someone that you're with

...
And if you're out there with him
somewhere and just about to kiss
g-d I wanna be that
someone that you're with

...
Instead of being out with me
you must be out with them

...
Because somewhere the one
I wanna be with's
with somebody else

sliding

when she called on saturday (an eternity ago) i told her i felt like i'd be okay with her being out yesterday and today.

it seemed true, at the time.

i told her to relax and enjoy and not worry about me, to leave me at "work", to not carry me around with her so she'd be able to concentrate on being home, in their home, with him, in their life.

seems like she's finally taking some of my advice.

much to my chagrin.

slipping

i'm slipping. i thought the peace/calm/whatever i felt over the weekend would carry me until she got back, but i'm slipping.

being busy helps a little but only for a few minutes at a time.

being aware of her alter ego hasn't helped any. on the other hand, in some way it makes me more sure than ever that she has no intention of ever meeting.

65 hours and counting.

a peaceful weekend

know what it takes to make me walk around grinning like an idiot for most of a weekend?

an unexpected call from B on saturday morning! wow... what a surprise... what a pleasure...

yes, it's still a huge sorrow that we don't have (and won't have) saturday mornings anymore. yes, it's still a huge ?weight? that she'll be out of touch till wednesday. and of course it's still gonna be a long lifetime without her.

on the other hand, as i told her, i'm... ?okay? with her being gone monday and tuesday. it hurts a lot right now, i can feel the rock in my chest, but ... i'll survive.

miss her though.

i'll still miss what we could and should have had.

but that i always will.

and just as a sidenote, her "alter ego" is out of the office the same days. again. cosmic coincidence?

and so it goes

over an hour ago, she said it'd be 20 mins. i know better, why do i get disappointed?

sigh. last night i heard a song i haven't heard in a long, long time. she said recently that she liked it when i'd once before recorded me singing a song to her. i was going to do that with this song (What Are You Doing With the Rest of Your Life). i thought the sultry, soft flow of the song would touch her. and yeah, that the words might evoke some emotion, stir her into action. dunno why, nothing else has ever budged her to do anything. certainly, the words mean a lot to me. but they talk about spending all your life with the singer, something she's not willing to even consider. after the latest "begging her to see me" fiasco today, i'm hesitant.

on the brighter side, i've got, roughly, 115 hours (or 6,900 minutes or 414,000 seconds) to think about what to do. coz it'll be that long until she's back in my world.

just over four and a half days. hopefully she'll rest, get caught up on sleep and shed some of the stress that's been hammering her. (well, in about 15 mins she'll shed the biggest part of it - me).

hopefully i'll get some rest too.

yeah.

wtf is wrong with me???

geezus fucking christ... what the fuck is wrong with me??

i did it again. i BEGGED her to please, please meet me.

i even believed that the long pause was her considering it. nope. just trying to think of a way to tell me no.

again.

scorecard: no's: 1174? yes's: 0.

forecast: no's throughout the day, continuing throughout the rest of my fucking natural life.

the light bulb starts to glow

yesterday was spectacularly bad.

the day before she told me, about her relationship, "i'm inclined to let it run its course".

today i said to her "we both agree the fix to 80% of the tension/problems between us is for us to meet and that's not something you can do".

she told me she agreed.

well... there you go

and just like that, she's gone.

(pluck)(pluck)(pluck)

she loves me. she loves me not. she loves me. she....

she what? yes or no?

call it love, or like, or even just give it a level or importance.

how important am i to her?

am i important enough:

to want to be with me?

to even want to meet me?

to want me to know who she is?

to give me any extra consideration when, after two tough days, and today after having spoken/chatted about 15 mins total, when i want to get her attention, want to be in her mind, her focus?

to be worth the risk of trying to call on the weekends?

bottom line, rev. 257

she says i always have to "bottom line" it, make some statement into a final declaration. in a way she's right - in the absence of anything definitive from her, i have to draw my own conclusions.

so, latest "bottom line" ....

she said "i'm inclined to let it [her relationship] run its course".

well, that's pretty concrete as far as time goes. it pretty much narrows it down to somewhere between today and thirty years from now.

because it seems as though most couples seem to finish out their lives in relationships approaching quiet desperation but which aren't bad enough to make either person actually -end- it, i'm gonna have to take this as meaning... "i'm not gonna end it, it's not bad enough to -make- either of us end it, so it's not likely it'll ever end".

that's encouraging.

what do i say?

she asks me what's wrong. what do i say? what do i say that hasn't already been said a thousand times?

i've tried and tried to explain to her what it's like to be rejected by the one person you care the most for and about. she's said "no" to me roughly one thousand one hundred and seventy times. you know, they say to persevere, to stick to it, to not take the first no you get. but geezus, am i fucking dense or what? how many no's am i supposed to ignore?

i've tried to explain to her that if "it" was, if "this" was as important to her as it is to me, that she'd have been running, RUNNING three years ago. that NOTHING would have been able to keep her from finding me. instead, a relationship that she says she knows isn't what she wants is still enough to keep her rooted, happy enough, satisfied. so is she kidding herself that it's not what she wants? or am i hearing what she says and not seeing the obvious truth that if she wasn't happy, or if this/i was really what she wanted, that she'd have made her move a long time ago.

i can't think of any more ways to tell her what if feels like to know that she can so easily say good bye to me and go home to him. to their home, the life they share. shopping together. preparing for a holiday party. spending evenings together. sleeping together. having weekends together. she says her life is boring, that they do nothing. i'd take that. in a heartbeat.

we could have had two years together already. two fucking years. or even a year and a half, or a year. but no. she'd rather "endure" seven hundred more days of a life she says isn't what she wants than to take a chance on something she says she does want.

she tells me she understands and that she knows the pull of the heart towards a loved one.

if only it was me.

wish i knew me

why is it that i can basically go all weekend knowing she's back in her real life (not that i like it but, hey, i don't really have any choice or say, do i?), and then when we're back in contact, i fall apart again?

in the bigger picture it amazes me how fast the days go by and each one feels wasted because if she ever did decide to be with me, they're gone for good... and yet, the time spent waiting for the other shoe to drop is interminably long.

when the condemned lay on the guillotine waiting for the blade to make its descent, i wonder if that final minute seemed inpossibly long. and impossibly short.

the ropes' already been pulled. tick. in my minds' eye i see the catch retract, freeing the blade. tick. gravity clutches at it, slowly accelerating it and sending it inexorably downward. tick. it's been forever waiting for the end that's coming. and it'll be here way too soon.

tick.

what a wonderful day

the last few days we've crossed some threshold or something. we've talked hard, hard topics.

and come through them okay. it doesn't and won't put her with me, but two friends are standing face to face again, talking.

it's been far too long since they really talked.

and even though it's another weekend, another 2.5 days before we talk again, it's ... not the end of the world.

i'm glad she didn't give up on me. i had.

what a spectacular day

just when you think you can't get any farther down...

i pleaded with her, begged her for something today. no.

i tried everything i could, every argument, every alternative, every bit of reason i could come up with to just get her to look at it from a different perspective. no.

and i have to face the fact that if we were to ever be together there'd be a major problem, for me at least. she can't do something she doesn't want to do, WON'T do something she doesn't want to do, even if it's for someone she loves, and even if it's something they need. i guess nobody ever -wants- to do something they don't wanna do, but when you love someone, and when you clearly know that it's something they NEED, don't you do it for them?

it doesn't lessen my opinion of her, or my feelings, but... it is a surprise. she has so much compassion in her, and is capable of giving so much love, if she'd let herself, that it's just hard to understand that, when push comes to shove, she can't do something just because her loved one needs it.

but then, maybe i'm not her loved one.

this has been the hardest day in a long, long time. i've hit what i fucking hope is rock bottom. we've hit rock bottom. yet despite her professed concern for the state of our relationship, she won't budge. on anything. won't even consider leaving him. or really evaluating her life and what she wants, which she's promised to do before. won't even consider ANY alternative other than what she wants to do.

i think i can honestly say that this is the first time ever that i really don't give a shit if there's a tomorrow for me or not. i know there's no future. so what's another tomorrow? or ten? or ten years?

three years ago i was the happiest i've ever been. i knew her, had no doubt that she and i would share a future. now that i know that's never gonna happen, all there are ahead of me is tomorrows. no future, just tomorrows. more days without her. or more accurately, with just the little bit of her she can give me.

and it's such a little thing i need too. something that is normally given within the first couple of hours of a normal relationship. three years and she still can't do it. won't do it. because she doesn't want to.

and to top it all off, i can't even drink myself stupid tonight coz i got a fucking physical tomorrow and i have to fast.

what a great day.

she can hang up the phone, shut it all down, quiet the distracting noise and go home to her life like nothing happened out of the ordinary. and truthfully, what did happen? just some bumps in her workday.

a confirmation for me that i cannot and will not have what i want or need. a few minutes late departure from work for her, before returning to her life.

it's not even wednesday.

maybe learning is still possible

i've kinda always had this problem: when i have something to say (verbal or email) it HAS to get said, has to get out, even those times when i -know- it shouldn't. even those times when i have a feeling it shouldn't and those times when i'm not sure (which probably means they shouldn't).

she's always wanted me to say (or send) whatever it was. sometimes she's had issues with it, but usually not. she takes it in, we talk about it, it's done. just the other day, however, even she said that there's probably things and thoughts that should stay unsaid. guess i've finally beat her down enough.

yesterday was not, to say the least, one of our better days and i take all the blame for it. and because i think everything i have to say is important, or at least relevant, or maybe just because i can't let something go where i know i'm at fault, i had to write her and try to explain. and even though it was a carefully crafted letter, i couldn't decide whether sending it would do good or harm. and i guess that was my answer. so, i didn't send it. maybe i AM learning.

in our relationship, she's in charge. if she says it, it must be so. if she wants or doesn't want something, that's the way it is. what i want or need is secondary. even as i say and think those things, it galls me, because i never wanted, and still don't want, a relationship that's anything other than a true partnership (sex play not included ;-) ). and yet, i'm powerless to do otherwise, because to do so would be to lose her. and while i believe our in-person relationship (had it happened) would have been a true partnership, i'm willing to let this be rather than lose it. not just willing, but i'll fight and do anything to keep it from going away.

we don't get to choose the people we fall in love with. and when it's that every-cell-in-your-body kinda thing, even when we know that it'll never be in person (and nevermind what that says about how the other feels about you), no price is too high a price to pay when weighed against the other not being in your life at all.

knowledge can be a dangerous thing. once something is known, it can't be unlearned. like knowing how to build the nuclear bomb, once a thing is known, it's known.

there's a jewish word, "bashert", which means your soulmate, "the one". knowing "the one" could be a blessing or a curse, depending on whether or not it's mutual.


I'll pose a quick survey question here, please leave a comment with your reply.

If you knew beforehand that your bashert, your soulmate, would not feel the same way about you and would not let you into their life, that the relationship you know you should have just was NOT gonna happen, would you still want to know that that person was your soulmate, your bashert? Or would you rather not know?

scientific fact

it's a new scientific fact. it's been confirmed.

"wishing" does NOT make something so.

nor does "wanting". or "hoping".

what is, is.

what isn't... well, isn't.

why am i surprised?

i give

she wins. i lose. i give up.

not gonna meet me. not gonna see her.

not gonna reveal herself. never gonna be able to call her at her desk.

never gonna have more time than we have now. only less.

not gonna be a real part of her real life. gotta settle for so much less than what could've been.

not ever going to be able to tell me how she feels; about me or him or their life. but that says a lot, don't it?

never gonna hear her laugh without a thousand miles of phone line between her lips and my ears.

not a news flash. she's said all that from the beginning. i'm a slow learner.

she's not gonna look at her life to see if it's what she wants. she didn't this year or last year or the year before, despite her assurances she would. that says a lot, don't it?

she's not gonna let herself out of what -she says- is a bad relationship. but who would stay in such a place? that says a lot, don't it?

so i'm 0/1000. good thing i don't play sports.

but, i am gonna take her advice and seek professional help.

that way i can live out the rest of my 2nd place life and be happy.

yeah.

interesting dichotomy

we've been talking again ... talking like we should have been talking all along.

it's good. overall.

one thing does amuse me though. she offers up suggestions (valid suggestions, if only i'd take them) on how to make my life better, to not hate this crappy existence that i have to settle for. no, she doesn't call it that, she thinks my life is great and that her not being in it is no big deal. after all, it's no big deal to her that i'm not in her life.

what's funny is that every suggestion she gives turns so easily back to her and her life. and the thing is, she's following them! taking her own advice. and the killer, for me, is that it's so obvious that they are and will continue to work for her. that's not bad in and of itself, because i want her to start finding more happiness, start enjoying things again, start not feeling so lost in her life. what's funny is that the very things she suggests to me so that i can start enjoying (not hating?) my life a little more (because she won't be with me "for now") are exactly the things that she is doing that will make her so much better that she'll continue to grow and get back into her life there, with him. and it's yet another brick in the wall, yet another reason for her to stay right where she is.

and after all, why should that bother me?

oh, other than losing.

can ya lose if you never got a chance to play?

a(nother) sign of the times

it used to be, in the good old days, that when either of us had a tough day, we couldn't wait to talk, to get it out, to just vent and get support and a friendly voice.

now?

"not today though. rough day already (and i'm tired). "

"i'm just tired - lots of work shit. lots. "

quotes of the day

From a late night episode of Scrubs...

"the easiest way to lose something you really want is to want it too badly".

yep, i think that'd about cover it.

and history has shown it's true.

another one, from who knows where:

"if you love something set it free. if it comes back to you, it's yours. if it doesn't, it never was"

but what if you loved it, -thought- it was yours and set it free? since it was never yours, it'll never come back, will it? (btw, the answer is "no")


and yet another one:

"hold on loosely"

coz that way, when they leave, it's not as messy.

The Night Swim

the breeze washes over me, just a bit too cool and goosebumps appear on my arms. the air feels damp, but clean and new, not heavy with humidity like before. the moon no longer rides on the horizon like it did; it's high now and much smaller. although it's out, it casts little light on the world i see. looking south, down the beach, i can see the waves no longer crashing with the ferocity displayed earlier, but just lightly tumbling onto the sand as if apologetic for the fury just hours before.

i put my feet on the metal bars of the balcony (they're cold) and push back, rocking my chair onto the two back legs, back until my shoulders touch the wall. i like sitting like this, always have. the wind blows my hair into my face and i brush it aside. a splash of foam from the waterline catches my eye and i watch the waves in their endless, timeless assault on the land. the angle at which the waves approach draw my eyes further down the beach until earth, sky and water merge in the darkness.

i wish i still smoked; it'd be a perfect moment for a cigarette. that thought strikes me as so strange considering i haven't had a cigarette in over 20 years. i wish i had a drink but i don't feel like getting up. being right here feels good, right, and i want to hold onto that for as long as i can. it's not often that feeling good and i are in the same room.

i remember feeling good. it was a long time ago but i can still feel it. well, remember it anyway. it was easy then, almost seemed like there could be no other way but to feel good. no worries to speak of. the usual stuff - money, health, terrorists, disease. all those fears were there but they didn't really carry much weight. before that time of my life, when good was easy, i worried about them a lot. then i didn't. there was so much that was good in my life, so much happiness that there just wasn't time or energy to spend on fears.

even when that time ended though, i didn't start worrying again. i just didn't care anymore. fuck it. what was the difference, anyway? the words from a long ago song stream through my head, "running on empty....running blind", jackson browne i think. seems fitting, somehow, but i don't have the energy to finish the thought. doesn't matter anyway.

blink.

the moon has moved, a lot. my butt is tingling. more lost time. i wonder where i was, what i was thinking. looking out into the water i see a blinking light, a boat. i don't remember it being there before, it must have come into sight while i was 'away'. i let the chair thud down on all four legs and stand, back aching. it occurs to me that the boat and the light are just what i need, just what i was waiting for. the pins and needles shoot down my left leg as i limp toward the waters' edge. two buttons and my shirt drops away behind me, leaving me just in shorts. i start to wonder which shorts they are, start to look down - fuck it. what's it matter anyway?

the coldness of the water grabs my feet; i didn't expect it to be so cool. i guess i'd always thought it would be warm, comforting somehow. another illusion lost. fuck it. what's it matter anyway? fuck it all.

for a fleeting instant i think to turn around for a quick look, but i don't. why bother? fuck it. let's go. the chill of the water rises around my legs as i wade into the water, into the cold dark quiet.

heart attack

Definition: a cardiac event where one or more blood vessels in the heart become blocked, cutting off the flow of oxygenated blood to part of the heart muscle. If not corrected quickly, the affected heart muscle will die and be replaced by scar tissue.

in most cases, the heart destroying blockage is, obviously, something internal to the affected blood vessel.

sometimes, the heart destroying blockage can be completely external to the body.

could this be?

let's just start out the right way and get it outta the way: she was right.

but ya know, it's hard to accept things that you haven't kinda come to the conclusion on your own.

fine, i'm there. or getting there, anyway.

this life can't continue this way.

drinking way too much. other things. hermiting.

watching everyone else go by and knowing full well that no matter how long i wait in the end i'll still be without her.

so i guess she's right. i should move on.

no drinking tonight... one night at a time.

i may even go somewhere new this weekend... to indulge another vice, gambling. we'll see.

sometimes there is no right way

or: i really do always get it wrong.

i purposely looked for cards that didn't have "love" or "sweetheart" or anything to do with "the love of my life" in or on them. instead, i went for more "friend-y" coz i didn't want her feeling like i was (still) trying to force my feelings onto her.

likewise, i didn't write anything on those lines. nor did i want to ?emphasize? how she should be concentrating on fixing her relationship with him instead of being distracted by me. so i went for (what i thought was) positive, "best time of your life" instead.

wrong. on both counts.

"cute". "great." "obvious and different."

clearly being or rather, trying to be "sensitive" is NOT my forte'.

i can let her have all the feelings and emotions and keep her distracted from her life and relationship and therefore trapped and unhappy. or, i can stop trying to pull her away (which is not gonna work anyway) and let her be mad and unhappy about what we've lost.

two choices: bad and worse. but at least in the latter she'll eventually turn back to him and start fixing herself and their relationship. and if it's not fixable she'll figure that out and eventually leave. but at least she'll do what's best for her.

i've tried and tried and tried, but can't figure out any way to make this a win/win situation. either he wins and she wins or he loses and she wins.

i'm not gonna have her, so i lose no matter what.

(everyone who's tired of hearing that, raise your hand... 1, 2, ... 4,564, 4,565... okay, i get the picture...)

milestones made and missed

this week has a special event for her, something that only happens once in a lifetime.

mazel tov, love.











and i failed to meet an unofficial milestone. but, nothing new there.

a new milestone

well, we've reached a new milestone in our relationship.

as we were talking at lunch, it became obvious that her mood had changed (something i said, i'm sure, it always is). so i asked if she wanted me to let her go.

"yeah, i think so."

first time ever.

a new low for me.

a sure signpost.

and probably the best thing she's done for herself and her relationship in a long time.

The Class - review

I've been rather eagerly awaiting the premier of the series The Class. the ads for it have been very good - a series of them showing the main characters in an elementary school spelling bee. very good ads, very funny.

funnier than the show, i'm afraid.

well, that's the crib notes version of the review.

it was... okay. my biggest peeve is the frikkin laugh track. geez, do they really think the public is so stupid that we won't know when to laugh? (er, um, okay, granted, most of the public IS that stupid, but that's a rant for another time.) actually, they probably added the laugh track because it was cheaper than getting good script.

truthfully, it bears a couple of more viewings. some series even take a season or two to find themselves. so, i'll stay tuned, for a couple more weeks anyway.

it reminds me of Friends and thirtysomething, kind of a cross between the two. my gut reaction to the show was why would i want to watch something that highlights how fucked up -my- life is? i'm thinking back to thirtysomething (which was one of my favorite shows) and i remember that people either loved it or hated it, saying who'd want to watch yuppies complaining about their lives? i was a fan, and now i wonder if i liked it because maybe that period of my life wasn't so bad.

anyway, let's see what happens. I'll give it a 5.5 outta 10, but with potential.

weekend recap

finally played at a mid-south casino. overall, yuck. small, crappy rules and odds. for example, at a $5 blackjack table, if you play more than one spot, your minimum bet has to be $10 each spot. Huh?

oh, and those famous casino buffets? make sure to try 'em... in vegas and atlantic city.

oh, and g-d forbid that two employees talking and laughing about some personal conversation should interrupt their day to answer a question.

got to watch a blackjack player get a pair of K's, SPLIT THEM (no, really, i was there!!), get another K, SPLIT THEM AGAIN, and lose all three hands. yeah, i lost about $50 playing too, but geez....

started (well, restarted) and finished a book by Carl Hiaasen. pretty good actually, although there was a couple of things about it i didn't like. there was an obvious plot device about a guy and his woman boss. i knew from the beginning where that was going. the kicker was that they were 19 years apart in age. gimme a break - not in the real world. actually had to put the thing down for a while. but he's adoringly curmudgeonly and she's young and sexy and ultimately they find each other. but it is fiction, after all.

hoped all weekend that B would think about the things i'd talked to her about on friday. tried not to obsess about her all weekend. watched sadly as yet another weekend passed without her even trying to call.

cross another week off the calendar. the future gets closer with every weekend and every evening that passes without hearing from her. it's only been almost two years since she'd try calling me on the weekend. think i'll figure it out soon?

time, life, reality marches on.

turning over a new leaf (number 381)

she's been begging and pushing me to move on with my life, which i've resisted, because i know what's at the end of that line. (-not- her, just me alone.)

anyway, one of my many (failed) resolutions has been to try to write about other things in my life than her. which is kinda like saying "oxygen isn't all that important to your life, why don't you write about, oh, argon instead".

as a future argon-based life form, what the heck. i'll give it a shot.

i hope my loyal readership isn't too disappointed....

(man, i crack myself up sometimes...)

grief and grieving

the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

it is not, however, a one-way, straight forward progression.

i find myself going back and forth, constantly. spend some time in denial, then a little anger. then back to denial. repeat umpteen times. then maybe move a little along into bargaining. then back to anger, then bargaining, then back to square one and be firmly in denial.

again.

repeat. make a little progress. fall back to square one.

repeat.

depression is a pretty familiar place for me.

acceptance is really hard coming. after all, it means giving up. it means that all the hopes, dreams, plans ya might have had are basically gone. ok, not basically. -gone-.

it's hard to stay there for very long. although i have to admit, i can accept that eventually i have to be there all the time.

it's a little easier if i think of it as finally stopping interfering in her life and letting her get on with it, repair and rebuild her relationship and her life with him.

it just hurts so damn much. even after knowing (even though i didn't admit it to myself) for over two years.

fuck.

she deserves more than me, that's for sure.

i just didn't realize she'd found it ten years ago.

spooky

this song melody has been kinda floating around in my head for a couple of days. i haven't been able to place it as i only "hear" like 2 or 3 seconds of it.

this morning i heard that song! Rush, Free Will, if you're wondering. Don't ask why, coz i'm not a huge Rush fan, but they're okay.

of course, there's a somewhat haunting line in it:

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

my first thought was that it's what i'd say to her. but truthfully, i suppose it applies to me too.

every step a misstep

no matter what i do, i hurt her, somehow.

usually it's by a comment i make that seems innocent enough or objective enough, yet she always takes it as a knock or slap at her. they're always anything but that - something i would never do.

i've wondered ever since the second time she told me she wouldn't meet me and the first time she said it might be a possibility, why she hasn't chosen to, why i couldn't convince her to meet me, or to stop hiding from me.

todays' thought for the day:

if i made her feel good as often as i make her feel bad,
she'd have begged me to come see her by now.

so, as i suspected, it's me, my own doing, my own shortcomings.

but then, i never expected less.

No itinerary changes allowed

i'm going to the last city i worked in to see a friend this weekend.

why can't i be going to B's city to see my best friend instead?

oh, that's right. the "BF" travel agency doesn't allow itinerary changes.

and he's got a lock on the whole market.

WTC

as if anyone could forget, today's the 5th anniversary of the WTC attacks.

Do you remember where you were?

I do. I was working in this same city. we watched the second plane fly into the south side of the south tower and emerge from the north side, between floors 87-93, on the eastern half of the building.

Which is where i had an office when i worked in NYC from 85-90ish.

i was on the 87th floor of the WTC when the space shuttle Challenger exploded in 86.

kinda strange, ya know?

my heart goes out to all whose lives were touched.

All of my life
I've been waitin' in the rain
I've been waiting for a feeling
That never, ever came
It feels so close
But always disappears

(lyrics from Quarterflash)


almost true...

the feeling came, hard, absolute, with certainty. for me.

wrong time, wrong place, wrong me.

it's a date

she's finally agreed to meet me!!!!!

okay, it wasn't so much -agreed- as -gave in-. and it's a pretty safe thing too. it won't have any impact on her life or relationship, won't interfere with her life with him.

my calendar is marked for summer, 2016... lunch with B.

i should be ecstatic - i'll finally get to meet her.

i asked her if, ten years hence we haven't yet met, if she'll just do it and have lunch with me anyway. we talked about this and that, but she couldn't commit. i dropped it. the next day i had to tell her how much it bothered me that she couldn't even bring herself to meet me in ten years and then she said she would.

we've talked about the long term future before. it used to be about what -we'd- be like as a couple, how it'd be. but "we" isn't much of a topic anymore. to be honest, and i've told her this, i don't know that i can continue like this for ten more years. she's told me she wants me, wants to be with me, then gone home to him over a thousand times in a row. the words are what i want to hear, want to believe, but while i have her words, he has her.

i don't think i can do that another three thousand times.

so as i lay in bed last night i was thinking about our future meeting. will she remember we had a lunch date? would she even remember me in ten years? try to find me?

after losing her to him thousands of times and then finally losing her... i don't know that i could stand the pain of seeing her and then losing her again. all that lost love, lost opportunity rushing back, reminding me that it was him not i. all that is her rushing back into me, filling me up again, giving me just a brief moment of life, only to have to watch her walk away, back to him, one final time?