so now what

so now what do i do?

"he asked me a question". I knew immediately, of course, what the question was - i'd wanted to ask her the very same question within the last few weeks. i'd even specifically -not- asked her that question in the last few weeks even though i't been on my mind.

funny - i hadn't wanted to push her especially during the holiday season. it's really funny, considering i'd have done the exact thing he did.

how did i not see this coming?

she said "i didn't say no". ouch. i was sure she'd have said "no". instead, during this time of our relationship when i was more sure than any other that we were going to be together, she told me "i didn't say no".

and while i know that it doesn't mean she said "yes", it's not a "no" either, is it?

and so, at 0215 PT on december 25th, 2006 i sit in a mcdonalds on the strip in las vegas and ponder a future without her. she's told him "no" several times over the last four years and to be honest i never expected her to say "yes" - at least not since -we- began, and certainly not when we've been, over the last four weeks or so, closer to meeting, closer to each other and just closer in general.

or so i thought.

and as i sit here i have to wonder where my life went so wrong, where my future, my relationship with B left the tracks. and instead of counting down the days till we meet (because she has (had?) tentatively agreed to meet in feb), i have to switch to counting down the days until she becomes mrs bf.

wow. how could i have been so wrong? even within the whole of our time together, i've never been more sure that we'd meet, -soon-, and start being together soon afterward.

instead of hearing "i don't love him" or "i want to be with you" she said "i didn't say no".

otoh, i guess i shouldn't be too surprised - it's exactly what i'd have done, had i had the opportunity.

and so it's official - hope was knocked to the curb at 1105 pm et on christmas eve, 2006. it's so ironic because after how we've been for the past few weeks, i was positive, POSITIVE, that this would be the last xmas we celebrated apart from each other. instead it'll remain forever embedded in my memory as the last xmas that i -thought- we'd ever spend apart and the last xmas i ever had a chance to know her before she decided to marry him.