peripheral vision

it's a quirk of vision that often times we can't see things we're looking directly at and the only (or the best) way is to not look directly at it, instead, by looking off to the side and noticing the object in your peripheral vision, it becomes visible. for example, if you're trying to look for a jet high in the sky and far away you likely won't see it unless you concentrate your attention not on the center of your field of vision but -around- the center.

it's more than just a peculiarity of vision.

i'm a middle aged guy. and like most middle aged guys, things like your own mortality, cholesterol levels, life/diet changes and the like come into your world. faithful readers (oh, that'd be me ;-)) know that my life has one purpose now - to share it with B. if that can't or isn't gonna happen, then whatever happens, happens; who cares?

my cholesterol is now officially high and i've been told to make dietary changes or go on meds which i don't really want to do. actually, i don't want to do either. without sounding overly ?dramatic? or whatever, the truth of the matter is that if a life with B isn't in my future, what the fuck is the difference if i'm able to extend my life by 5 or even 10 years? it's not like i want to end my life now if she were to tell me that that future isn't gonna happen. i still want to live at least a few more years; i'd like to see my daughter graduate and (years later!!) get married, maybe even become a mom. but to give up all the "good stuff" to have more years at the tail end without B? why? what's the point?

so, even though i worried that i wouldn't get the answer i wanted, i posed a simple question: "if i knew that you (B) and i were -never- gonna get together, is there even any -reason- for me to want to live longer"? IE, if it -is- possible then of course i would want to. if it's not gonna happen, if there's not even a chance, why bother?

the answer was "no".

quick. certain. no hesitation.

that was the left eye.

one thing we've talked about several times is kids, babies, having a family. from the beginning she's said she didn't really think she wanted any kids, although she wasn't 100% sure. certainly one of the ?contributing factors? in her staying with bf has been to have a family, especially given my age, etc. i have told her that outside of her, i would never see myself fathering another child. yet, the thought of having a baby with her, despite the challenges that go with a much older parent, the thought of having a family with her is... appealing. i rather suspect she senses those same challenges and they make the thought less than desirable.

as we're talking today she says "i wish i had already had the kid(s)/family and they were older so i could move on to the next part of my life, like you".

that was the right eye.

i've been looking directly at her, at us, at the future i want for so long. the object of my desire. the quest of my life. my holy grail.

left eye + right eye + peripheral vision = sight?

at least i don't have to diet now. think i'll have a double cheeseburger and large fries for lunch.

and dinner.