oh, uh, nevermind

monday mornings. finally, the weekend is over. she'll be back into work soon. my world can start again. get a few things done before she gets into work. knowing that as i do, she'll be finishing getting ready and then driving to work.

a couple of quick "hi's" on chat, then a phone call.

and then this chat:

her
me

think i need some time away
from? me? work? life?
yes
sorry
i can only help with one of those
yeah, but it's a start

do you have any idea when you'll be back? or even if?
maybe after the first of the year. i don't know.
omg
yeah. whatever. ya know? you'll have plenty going on.

"whatever", she says. after three years i still have a hard time getting through weekends without her. now she thinks that six weeks will be easy? and six weeks is just the minimum. she may decide never to come back. and then what?

this fake chat bullshit is getting old.
and i don't need it

"fake chat bullshit". she's always hated anything resembling fake, anything not real. now she characterizes our chat as "fake chat bullshit".

i can't afford to need you anymore.

do you think of me and get any good thoughts/feelings anymore?
i don't see it as "fake silent chat" at all... but me not imposing on you .
ALL THE TIME
i think of and about you ALL THE TIME.
not me. i have to block you from my mind because of the thoughts that come along with it, and how you've/we've changed.

how can this have happened? i need her more than ever. i hold on to her, and us, and hope for a future we can share more than ever. and now, thoughts of me only bring her pain.

why stay???
are you serious?
yeah. what do i get other than pain and loss and watching you move on?

pain and loss and watching [her] move on. things i'm intimately familiar with. years of pain as she held back, pain everyday as she went home to him.

too bad you didn't listen to what i had to say. too bad i didn't listen to myself a long time ago.
anyhow, bye

and with that, she's gone.