what a spectacular day

just when you think you can't get any farther down...

i pleaded with her, begged her for something today. no.

i tried everything i could, every argument, every alternative, every bit of reason i could come up with to just get her to look at it from a different perspective. no.

and i have to face the fact that if we were to ever be together there'd be a major problem, for me at least. she can't do something she doesn't want to do, WON'T do something she doesn't want to do, even if it's for someone she loves, and even if it's something they need. i guess nobody ever -wants- to do something they don't wanna do, but when you love someone, and when you clearly know that it's something they NEED, don't you do it for them?

it doesn't lessen my opinion of her, or my feelings, but... it is a surprise. she has so much compassion in her, and is capable of giving so much love, if she'd let herself, that it's just hard to understand that, when push comes to shove, she can't do something just because her loved one needs it.

but then, maybe i'm not her loved one.

this has been the hardest day in a long, long time. i've hit what i fucking hope is rock bottom. we've hit rock bottom. yet despite her professed concern for the state of our relationship, she won't budge. on anything. won't even consider leaving him. or really evaluating her life and what she wants, which she's promised to do before. won't even consider ANY alternative other than what she wants to do.

i think i can honestly say that this is the first time ever that i really don't give a shit if there's a tomorrow for me or not. i know there's no future. so what's another tomorrow? or ten? or ten years?

three years ago i was the happiest i've ever been. i knew her, had no doubt that she and i would share a future. now that i know that's never gonna happen, all there are ahead of me is tomorrows. no future, just tomorrows. more days without her. or more accurately, with just the little bit of her she can give me.

and it's such a little thing i need too. something that is normally given within the first couple of hours of a normal relationship. three years and she still can't do it. won't do it. because she doesn't want to.

and to top it all off, i can't even drink myself stupid tonight coz i got a fucking physical tomorrow and i have to fast.

what a great day.

she can hang up the phone, shut it all down, quiet the distracting noise and go home to her life like nothing happened out of the ordinary. and truthfully, what did happen? just some bumps in her workday.

a confirmation for me that i cannot and will not have what i want or need. a few minutes late departure from work for her, before returning to her life.

it's not even wednesday.