emotional dichotomy

every time she pulls away from me or shuts down or jabs at me, it's as though there's a rope tied around my heart and it gets pulled right out of my chest. and every time she's with me and close and open and laughing and the B that i know so well, it sets my soul soaring.

both these might happen over the course of a week, a day or even in the same conversation.

she thinks because i have a fuck buddy now that i don't need her as much, so she pushes away, sublimates her feelings so that knowledge doesn't hurt.

don't need her as much? that's not even close to the truth. if anything, i need her more.

yes, i enjoy the time i spend with my fuck buddy. but the time i spend there reminds me all the more and all the more strongly of just what B and i are missing out on. and makes our separation all the more painful.

how much more the same time spent with B would be. she said the other day that my life was now "fulfilling". fulfilling? hardly. fun, yeah. but fulfilling? no. what would be fulfilling would be to spend that time with the one who is the other half of my soul. fulfilling would be to be able to turn to B and as our eyes meet immediately feel the connection that binds us, to feel the rush of intimacy that envelopes us even though we may be physically separated. fulfilling would be to walk past her, brushing my fingertips along her arm as i past and to feel the electric current flow between us, the jolt that says "she is my other half", that says "truly, these two souls are one".

why does she doubt it now? i understand why the knowledge of my fuck buddy hurts. i understand why she imagines it to be so much more than it is. i can understand, at the level that the majority of people live at, how she might doubt where my feelings and heart lie. but why, when she has felt what i've felt, when she too knows the feeling of being completed by another, how could she doubt us?

there are things in our life that are transient, passing and there are things that are enduring, lasting, unbreakable and even ?eternal?. fuck buddies are transient. temporary circumstances are transient. jobs and homes and financial situations and physical possessions are transient.

the joining of two souls transcends all else. when the fuck buddies and the jobs and homes and the money have passed on, the bond between us will continue.

i don't often pray for g-d's help. but when he has given us each other, given us the gift of finding each other, i must.

please g-d, give us the strength to get past the circumstances that keep us apart. let her not doubt us and this and me. let the knowledge of the rightness and the uniqueness of who we are to each other give her (and i) the strength to persevere.

we will make it through this.

we will be together.

how could it be otherwise?