two sides to every coin

it's pretty much official: i'm an asshole.

i'm always complaining about the state of my life, bemoaning the fact that B won't have me, whining that it's so much harder for me because she has the life she wants and i don't.

all is not goodness and light in her life either. i'm sure, have been for some time, that she doesn't tell me everything that goes on. she certainly doesn't relate to me the conflict and stress that's present in her life. she does tell me, but mostly the highlights, not the details, and she seldom talks about how it really affects her.

it doesn't change the reality of my day to day existence, doesn't make her absence in my life any easier to bear, but it does shame me for being so self-centered. i have to stop ?trying? to make her feel bad because i feel bad - when she has her own share of sadness and hurt to deal with.

maybe if i could put all my hurts aside it'd let us start being the friends we really are. even if she never wants to be more than friends, it'll be so much better, -we'll- be so much better when i let us be us and stop trying to make her feel my hurts.