denial, truth, honesty, respect

i think it was a screw up, she says not.

she called me from her desk phone without blocking the number. she says it showed the company name and number (not their main number, btw) of the company that bought the calling card. i've never heard of a calling card that worked like that, but i'll grant it's possible.

of course she says it's not right, it's not her, not really her number. i told her not to worry, that i wouldn't call her. besides, i couldn't ask for her by the name i know, and if i did get her on the phone with her real name, she'd claim she didn't know me, etc., which she's done twice before. one of those times, i thought she was going to come clean, but she didn't.

i asked her to please respect me enough to stop lying to me. she claims she's not and that i'm mistaken. problem is there's too many coincidences over the last three years.

she's always been big on being respected and very, very angry and hurt when i've done anything that she thought was disrespectful of her. it's never really been a big deal to me, but as i think about our situation now, i'm really feeling it. with so much evidence (admittedly much of it compiled vs. first hand verified) that irrefutably points to who she really is, i'm really starting to feel ... disrespected. played, even.

does she ?pride? herself on being able to keep me in the dark for so long? maybe bf knows all about me and she and bf recap the days' chats and talks and chuckle at how clueless i am? does she feel that i'm so completely fooled, so sheepishly accepting, so easily duped that she's got me completely wrapped up in the tale i'm given?

how can she possibly have any respect for me? if she had ANY respect for me how could she continue to lie to me? i've believed for a long time that she'll never come clean with me BECAUSE of the lies, the fabricated identity she's had to keep up for so long. i think she'd have too hard a time getting over the ?shame/something?, loss of face for having lied to me for so long, especially given that i knew (suspected) who she was almost from the very beginning and at every occasion where something else came to light that she had to explicitly deny, she got more and more deeply invested with the lie, and because of that, she can NEVER come clean with me. it'd be more important to her to not look like someone who'd do that than it would be to be together. and we already know that her and i getting together isn't a big priority for her. hell, she's willing to let parts of her very identity die and get buried rather than hurt his fucking FEELINGS. so if she won't save herself to avoid hurting his feelings, then certainly my feelings of being played are of absolutely no consequence to her.

and if she has no respect for me, then love would seem to be out of the question, wouldn't it? on the other hand, if she loved me, you'd think she'd want to meet me, especially after so long.

oh, right. she isn't meeting me, is she?