fuck fuck fuck

it's like going from the top of mt. everest to the bottom of the marianas trench in less than 5 minutes.

the day started great because she called early. we chatted and had good conversation. i asked her hard questions, questions i've long wanted to know the true answers to.

i couldn't have asked for more. all the answers were exactly what i wanted to hear, what i'd always hoped her answers were. from those answers, all roads seem(ed) to point to an -us-. except i did what a) she asked me not to do and b) what i said i wouldn't do, which was to send those questions and answers to her in an email. i don't know why, looking back. i remember thinking that maybe if those particular questions and her answers were all in one place, they'd be a coherent, complete thought and maybe she hadn't considered them all together before.

do you love me (as in -in- love with me)? do you want to be together? can you see us together? could you be happy as an -us-? do you love him more than me? the answers i'd hoped for were there and all positive. welcome to the summit of mt everest. then we had to take a break and i wanted to ask other questions, including a biggie: will you leave him and be with me? but i never got to ask that, because of that fucking email i sent.

and it poisoned the rest of the day. she pulled back. she was more distant, less personal. she didn't make time to talk until just a few minutes before she had to go. then when we're on the phone and she says to hold on so she can take another call, she hangs up on me. twice. then lastly, she calls back and says "i gotta go. bye."

welcome to the marianas trench.

will i never fucking learn?