maybe learning is still possible

i've kinda always had this problem: when i have something to say (verbal or email) it HAS to get said, has to get out, even those times when i -know- it shouldn't. even those times when i have a feeling it shouldn't and those times when i'm not sure (which probably means they shouldn't).

she's always wanted me to say (or send) whatever it was. sometimes she's had issues with it, but usually not. she takes it in, we talk about it, it's done. just the other day, however, even she said that there's probably things and thoughts that should stay unsaid. guess i've finally beat her down enough.

yesterday was not, to say the least, one of our better days and i take all the blame for it. and because i think everything i have to say is important, or at least relevant, or maybe just because i can't let something go where i know i'm at fault, i had to write her and try to explain. and even though it was a carefully crafted letter, i couldn't decide whether sending it would do good or harm. and i guess that was my answer. so, i didn't send it. maybe i AM learning.

in our relationship, she's in charge. if she says it, it must be so. if she wants or doesn't want something, that's the way it is. what i want or need is secondary. even as i say and think those things, it galls me, because i never wanted, and still don't want, a relationship that's anything other than a true partnership (sex play not included ;-) ). and yet, i'm powerless to do otherwise, because to do so would be to lose her. and while i believe our in-person relationship (had it happened) would have been a true partnership, i'm willing to let this be rather than lose it. not just willing, but i'll fight and do anything to keep it from going away.

we don't get to choose the people we fall in love with. and when it's that every-cell-in-your-body kinda thing, even when we know that it'll never be in person (and nevermind what that says about how the other feels about you), no price is too high a price to pay when weighed against the other not being in your life at all.

knowledge can be a dangerous thing. once something is known, it can't be unlearned. like knowing how to build the nuclear bomb, once a thing is known, it's known.

there's a jewish word, "bashert", which means your soulmate, "the one". knowing "the one" could be a blessing or a curse, depending on whether or not it's mutual.


I'll pose a quick survey question here, please leave a comment with your reply.

If you knew beforehand that your bashert, your soulmate, would not feel the same way about you and would not let you into their life, that the relationship you know you should have just was NOT gonna happen, would you still want to know that that person was your soulmate, your bashert? Or would you rather not know?