regular days, life & lessons

at the root of it is not being able to understand -how- she can stay away, stay apart and be so okay with it.

when she's gone for so long all kinds of things occur to me as possible scenarios for what she's been doing.

the biggest and hardest is that she's had a revelation, that some kind of understanding has happened for her and she's realized, without a doubt, that she is where she belongs, and "oh-my-g-d what the hell have i been doing??". that suddenly life is good between them, that all it better, that their connection is restored, deepened, strengthened.

or i wonder if things are the same for her as they've been and it's just been more of the same kind of days. but why wouldn't she want and try to get in touch?

or i wonder if she's left him, that she's spent the last 4 days moving his stuff out of the house, working out the details of who gets what, of how to split their properties and investments and money. but wouldn't she have at called? at least to say, hey, or for support? besides, she's got a party in a few days, and she'd never leave with that coming up. what would people think? and soon it'll be turkey day and they sometimes go away to his family and how could she leave him then, wouldn't that be shitty? and what would people think? and then a couple of weeks later is xmas and all that, and how could she leave him then, wouldn't that be a crappy thing to do. and what would people think? besides, they already have plans. so no, she didn't leave him. and isn't going to.

so it comes down to it's just been a few more regular days for her. home time, him time, living life time.

i'm learning, catching on, starting to figure it out. and part of me, and the dream, dies with every lesson.