just another day? hardly...

she sounds good today; strong, in control, even ?purposeful? or maybe like she's found her direction.

and, somehow, detached.

don't get me wrong, our talks (the little we've had because of shit going on at work) have been good. i'm definitely the weak link in this relationship today - i'm just completely, completely overwhelmed. everything, and i mean everything seems to be going to shit. all at once.

when we talked at lunch, i'd just finished some hot bug fixes and was coming down off a six hour adrenalin high. as that artificial energy subsided and my brain cleared enough to finally let something else in, i could feel myself ---- falling. down, down, down.

all the shit happening now. finishing up a high pressure 3 weeks at work. still in the middle of a fucked up move. so much stuff left undone in my personal life.

and her. her voice is calm, warm, as inviting and ?reassuring? as it's ever been. she's there for me, supportive, helpful. but behind her voice, i'm aware of her detachment, her hurt, aware of her repositioning herself in her life. and the terrible, terrible echo of yesterdays revelation to me: we're at different levels, different places now. and we'll never be in the same place again.

yet, if feels so good, so natural to feel her support, her comforting presence.

and it feels so utterly hopeless to remember what she said:

we'll never be in the same place again

this is certainly not my first day without her; more like the 1,209th day without her. those days were bearable because i thought there was still a chance for us to be together. what the fuck do i do about the 11,000 days to come? i've barely made it through 12% of the amount of time i'll have known her in my life.

fuck.

is it really to much to ask to at least be able to meet, see, hold & kiss "the one" that g-d put here for me just before i die?