it's a date

she's finally agreed to meet me!!!!!

okay, it wasn't so much -agreed- as -gave in-. and it's a pretty safe thing too. it won't have any impact on her life or relationship, won't interfere with her life with him.

my calendar is marked for summer, 2016... lunch with B.

i should be ecstatic - i'll finally get to meet her.

i asked her if, ten years hence we haven't yet met, if she'll just do it and have lunch with me anyway. we talked about this and that, but she couldn't commit. i dropped it. the next day i had to tell her how much it bothered me that she couldn't even bring herself to meet me in ten years and then she said she would.

we've talked about the long term future before. it used to be about what -we'd- be like as a couple, how it'd be. but "we" isn't much of a topic anymore. to be honest, and i've told her this, i don't know that i can continue like this for ten more years. she's told me she wants me, wants to be with me, then gone home to him over a thousand times in a row. the words are what i want to hear, want to believe, but while i have her words, he has her.

i don't think i can do that another three thousand times.

so as i lay in bed last night i was thinking about our future meeting. will she remember we had a lunch date? would she even remember me in ten years? try to find me?

after losing her to him thousands of times and then finally losing her... i don't know that i could stand the pain of seeing her and then losing her again. all that lost love, lost opportunity rushing back, reminding me that it was him not i. all that is her rushing back into me, filling me up again, giving me just a brief moment of life, only to have to watch her walk away, back to him, one final time?