this can't be good

i knew it, i knew it, i knew it.

she's said many times that i should find someone to see; a date, a friend, a fuck buddy, a friend with benefits. for halloween i went downtown and saw a woman i haven't seen in several months. i'd had a regular threesome with her and her husband but that ended abruptly. now she's getting unmarried. we talked, we drank, we hung out. we fucked.

i told B. she said she was happy, that she was glad i found someone to fuck. but there were subtle changes in her throughout the day. she didn't chat. changed her mind about going out to lunch and decided not to talk on the phone. decided to leave early coz bf was sick, did i want to talk for a minute before she left?

even worse, she said something that really bothered me. she said that her being there forever was starting to look more and more like reality.

it's bad for me that she's already accepted that we won't meet. but it's so much worse for her to be trapped in a relationship (she says) she doesn't want or like. she has no (apparent) reason to stay and nothing to hold her there. nothing legal, just some financial entanglements.

oh, but there's "his feelings". his parents had problems with infidelity, so she just couldn't leave him that way, it'd be terrible for him. aww. so instead she'll live her life drowning in nothingness. just to save his fucking feelings. too bad she hasn't seen what spending the rest of your life in a loveless, dull, boring marriage can do to you.

on the other hand, she has every opportunity to leave, so why doesn't she? a couple years ago, when things were better at home, getting in her car to leave was fairly common. now that things are shitty, she never even thinks about it.

the problem probably lies with me. she says she hates it but won't leave. says she wants me, love me, but won't meet. hates when he touches her but still thinks staying will help her get over that. obviously, i'm seeing what i want to see. i want to believe that she's a 30 y.o. single sexy woman who drives a silver benz who's working to free herself from a bad situation, not a 35 y.o. married woman who drives a blue benz who has a friend on the internet who she has never and will never intend to meet.

even when i told her about a potential job opportunity which would mean a significant reduction in the amount of time we get to talk and chat, she was okay with it.

for her, all roads lead to bf.

for me, i can't get there from here. or anywhere, apparently.