what do i say?

she asks me what's wrong. what do i say? what do i say that hasn't already been said a thousand times?

i've tried and tried to explain to her what it's like to be rejected by the one person you care the most for and about. she's said "no" to me roughly one thousand one hundred and seventy times. you know, they say to persevere, to stick to it, to not take the first no you get. but geezus, am i fucking dense or what? how many no's am i supposed to ignore?

i've tried to explain to her that if "it" was, if "this" was as important to her as it is to me, that she'd have been running, RUNNING three years ago. that NOTHING would have been able to keep her from finding me. instead, a relationship that she says she knows isn't what she wants is still enough to keep her rooted, happy enough, satisfied. so is she kidding herself that it's not what she wants? or am i hearing what she says and not seeing the obvious truth that if she wasn't happy, or if this/i was really what she wanted, that she'd have made her move a long time ago.

i can't think of any more ways to tell her what if feels like to know that she can so easily say good bye to me and go home to him. to their home, the life they share. shopping together. preparing for a holiday party. spending evenings together. sleeping together. having weekends together. she says her life is boring, that they do nothing. i'd take that. in a heartbeat.

we could have had two years together already. two fucking years. or even a year and a half, or a year. but no. she'd rather "endure" seven hundred more days of a life she says isn't what she wants than to take a chance on something she says she does want.

she tells me she understands and that she knows the pull of the heart towards a loved one.

if only it was me.