and none of that matters because...

now she's gone. done.

now what do i do?

it figures, too... just when things were looking up for the first time in a long, long time. she and i were finding our way back, back to being the friends we are deep inside. things were starting to get a little better at home for her. i'm back on meds and starting to feel a little better. i joined an activity to get out of the house. i've been looking for a new place to live and just found one.

i hooked up with someone.

so while she said it was okay and what she wanted me to do, obviously not. she doesn't want to be with me, WON'T be with me, but doesn't want me to be with anyone else either.

and now -she- doesn't want me in her life at all.

oblivion, here i come. there's not much left in this life now. i had hopes of managing to somehow live day to day until the time she left and wanted to be with me. (yes, i believed it would someday happen.)

no longer a viable dream.

now what?