punched in the gut.

blindsided - me.

gone - her.

hurting - both of us?

we're both seeing our own interpretation of reality. i'm sure that neither of us has it quite right. but she's convinced enough that she's right that she's ready, willing and (apparently) able to kill our relationship.

just like all the relationships in my life have done nothing to prepare me for her, nothing in my life has prepared me to act appropriately either. just as our relationship is so different from anything experienced before, or expected for that matter, so too the ?normal? patterns/issues/responses learned in other relationships just don't hold true in this relationship.

instead of being tentative, as i normally would in situations, i should have been myself, should have acted like that man she grew to know and love. instead i reacted to her, in times of conflict/stress, in a conventional way, not trusting the relationship and her and my own gut knowledge of how we were. and conventional, "normal" reactions are not/were not appropriate for this relationship, itself far beyond normal or conventional.

instead of fearing her negative reaction and being tentative, i should have treated her with confidence and trust and security that -this- relationship, that -we- would be able handle any situations that might come along.

instead of backing off when i felt i was doing something wrong (ie, "cheating" on her, even though with her encouragement and support) and giving her space because that's what would be needed in a conventional relationship, i should have embraced her, trusted her, made her a part of it.

so ironically, in my determined efforts to protect the most important relationship in my life from the ill effects of the particular difficulties that are (and have been, from the beginning) a part of this relationship, i only pushed her to think that our relationship had changed.

my fears brought about the very thing i feared the most.

another example of how the universe plays cruel jokes. my fear of damaging the relationship did so, yet my love, all the love that i could give her couldn't bring her to me.