drawing dead

when she broke the news to me about bf's proposal and her "i didn't say no" response on sunday night there was something else she said: "nothing's been done that's irreversible".

another line i mistakenly interpreted as "even though i said no, i could still tell him yes". that twisted interpretation no doubt helped soften the impact during the last 48 hours. looking at it now though, it's clearly wrong. while it should provide a glimmer of hope that she's not 100% committed to marrying him, what it does do is to confirm that she told him "yes". not, like i thought previously, did she not say no, but she must have said yes. and although she could change that to a no, it's still a ?groundbreaking? (heartbreaking?) change. she's never said yes to him before, despite several proposals.

two sides of the same coin. two interpretations of the same event. we've been breathtakingly close the last three or four weeks. closer than we've been in a long time and, i was sure, closer to meeting than ever (she'd even agreed to a tentative date!), closer than ever to merging our futures into one. i was more sure than ever that she was going to leave him. and days later she accepts his proposal of marriage.

after she told me about it on sunday night, she had to hang up suddenly. now, i know her. and i know that if she needed me to know that my fears and assumptions about her accepting or not accepting his proposal and my worries/concerns/fears about our relationship and where (i thought) it was going, that she would find a way to call me or get a message to me, especially given that she knew our next "regular" time to talk would be over two days later. if she needed me to know, she'd find a way, no matter what.

yesterday was obscenely quiet.

today has been devastatingly quiet.

tonight will be hell.

and then tomorrow morning, waiting until she calls. not -if- she calls, because she will, even if it's to say goodbye. but will it be in the morning? i don't know, can't even guess. i do know that the later it gets past mid morning the worse it is... the more it confirms.