doing nothing is even harder

what a long, long weekend.

it always feels long enough when i can't talk to her. and i can't talk to her on the weekends.

then today, not good news with her man's-best-friend (and womans' ;-) ).

we'd hoped he was past it all, that he'd won the battle. but now it doesn't appear so.

she's in pain, even though she doesn't show it.

my best friend needs my support. i'm here to give it. what i want to do is hug her and tell her it'll be okay.

what she wants is to be left alone.

that should be the easiest thing to do. but for me it's the hardest.


g-d help me, because i need it. i'm such a self-centered schmuck. i thought i was being ?un-selfish? ?selfless? - i wrote her and told her that bf was hurting too and that she should turn to him for comfort at home and on the weekends, whenever, because he's with her much more than she has time at work where she might talk to me. it's an experience they share, for a part of their life that they chose together, loved together, still love together. it makes sense to me because he'll be there when she needs support, not me. i would if i could, of course, but i can't. so this would be good for both of them, not only helping each other get through it, but another shared experience, albeit not one they'd choose, but a time during which they might find each other again.

meanwhile, i'm upset/hurt/confused because she doesn't want to talk. i completely get it, intellectually, but why am i such an emotional retard? i can know that this is about her and it's something she has to go through. and that her involving or not involving me in this life experience of hers has nothing to do with me. i have no reason to expect to be included, why should i? and it's childish as all hell to feel, in any way, that this has anything to do with me or that, somehow, i -should- be included. and it's exceedingly childish of me to feel excluded.

it involves her pet, it's from her life that she shares with him. i don't even belong in the discussion. she should be sharing it with him, not me.

geez, wtf is wrong with me?