who is me?

watching myself in my relationship with B, from the beginning of our relationship, but especially in the last year or so, i have to wonder: "who the fuck is this person in my head"?.

how could -anyone- have so much impact and effect on me? NO ONE ever has. what is this hold she has on me? and if anyone was gonna have so much impact on me (and on, seemingly, every aspect of who i am) why couldn't it have been someone who wanted me just as much as i wanted her?

i don't know who i am anymore, other than i'm the guy who loves B. and i'm the guy who can't have her. i'm a man she likes but not one she'll let into her life. when i look back i can see the man who used to be in this body - that was the man she grew to like, at one point to even love. where did he go? when did that guy turn into this guy?

and in the ultimate universal practical joke how, in the process of me coming to fully understand just how important she is to me and how much i love her deep in my heart, did i lose everything that she once liked? how did i change into -this- and become someone she doesn't want? it's almost as though we went in completely opposite directions. i went this way, learning her, wanting her, loving her, knowing more everyday that she is the woman i want to be with, she's the woman i want to spend my time with. at the same time, she went that way, slowly coming to realize that bf is the one she wants to be with, that while this guy is nice, he's too much work, too much effort.

i only want to be available to her whenever, wherever, however she wants me. i'll rearrange my day, my schedule, do whatever to be available should she want to talk. i'd do anything to be able to talk to her when she wants to talk. for which she loses all respect for me.

it pains me that she lives a life of "not so bad", that she tolerates the things she tolerates. i plead with her to please take her own wants and needs into consideration and please stop putting her life and herself aside for him, to please take what she wants from life. which makes her even more resolute to stay, rather than think the hard thoughts and take the hard actions.

in the meantime, what's happened to me? in trying to win her heart, how have i pushed her so far away? how has wanting her so much changed me and turned me from someone she wanted to what i am now?

at what point did i become no longer attractive to her? no longer an "option" (if she ever even thought of me that way)?

even more, when did i become so much not what she wanted that the thought of me began making her home life seem even better than ever?

all i know is that the "me" that she used to like seems to be gone. and she's not especially liking the replacement model.

and now what? am i stuck with this "me" forever now? i have to admit that (in contrast to my usual low self-esteem) i had begun liking who i was (before i started changing) when i was with her. the woman that i like, respect and love more than any other doesn't particularly care for the "me" that is now. great. so i get to spend the rest of my life with this guy, the guy that drove her away?

great.