what's happening?

it feels like there's something going on, on a galactic scale.

there's been a whole spate of things in the last week or two, continuing even today with no end in sight, that are just.. odd. wierd. almost like too many coincidental things happening at once.

i have wanted and tried to get a job/contract in B's area for two years. i've interviewed but was never right for the positions. two weeks ago, i got notice of a position. everything was good, the position was mine if i wanted it, the pay was a couple bux more than where i'm at, and most importantly, of course, it was close to B. I talked to my current client and they agreed that with the project i'm on and additional work, they'd commit to at least six more months.

i tried and tried to remain completely objective when trying to make my decision on what to do. truth of the matter is, i felt me being so close to B, right now, would be bad for us. chances are there'd never be any issue. but what if one night she saw me out somewhere and thought i was looking for her? plus, she'd never have any peace, she'd constantly be looking over her shoulder, constantly watching out her office window. she'd be up and wondering everytime a car drove down her street in the middle of the night. on the other hand, i'm positive that had i gone there, there would have come a time, some day, where on a spur of the moment she would have just wanted to see me, would have called me to meet her, and twenty minutes later we'd have met and been having lunch or drinks together. and now, when that day comes, the moment will pass because i'll be a thousand miles away. so just as surely as my being there would have ultimately ruined us, so too my not being there will have caused us to miss out on meeting.

then, another contract position came to me. and another. all in the same area. none as desireable so they weren't even real options, but still.

the ease of our separation seems to be getting easier. and i don't like it. i don't like being "okay" with not having her, with the knowledge that the way things are is the way things are always gonna be. i see where not being a whimpering mass of jelly is good, but i'm really not happy being "okay" with this destiny. being okay with it means that this life and this future-without-her is okay with me and it's not. it's wrong. at least, it's wrong to me. obviously she sees her future differently and it doesn't include me, at least not in a physical sense. maybe that's what bothers me - that she can be okay with it. maybe it's time to just accept -that-. if she wanted me in her physical world, she could've had it so at any time. but she hasn't. and isn't.

my daughter won't talk to me. by "talk" i mean the less-than-2-minute conversations we usually have every two or three days.

my stomach is killing me. i've had killer heartburn for the last couple of days. painful to the point of waking me up sunday and monday nights, with the occasional double over in pain during the day just for good measure.

my shoulders are bad and possibly getting worse. i'm positive it's rotator cup cuff problems, both arms, probably brought on and aggravated by years of sleeping on my sides. oh, and coz i'm such a physical and muscular guy.

mom had a pretty serious health issue, thankfully short lived and essentially over.

B's dog is back into his health problems. the prognosis is not good - a few months perhaps. which makes me think about my dogs (with my ex) and makes me sad. my boys are old already, gonna be 13 and 11 this year, and they don't have many years left. it's bad enough i don't get to see them often (i miss them!) but i won't get to be there when their time comes. that makes me very sad.

i don't want to be without B, but she doesn't want to be with me. i can't stay here in this life but i have nowhere to go either. can't go back to my previous life and i don't see a future for me - of any sort. can't put down any kind of roots because i have to go wherever there's work, and besides, can't think of anywhere i want to live. can't be without her and can't be with her. don't want to be in pain because she doesn't want me, but don't want to be "okay" with her not wanting me either.

maybe realizing you're unhappy, finding an alternate life and potential future and setting out to find and have that other life is a bad thing - if it turns out that the life you want is one that you can't have. B and i have joked many times about the country hick sitting on the porch "fat, dumb and happy". you can't unlearn knowledge. and maybe knowledge of what you truly want but can't have isn't such good knowledge. there's a line from a bob seger song: ".. wish i didn't know now what i didn't know then...".

bottom line is, i love B but can't have her. B doesn't love bf but can't leave him. i'm with her in my head but alone in reality. she's with him, but alone in reality. my daughter doesn't want anything to do with me. my skills and marketability are slowly declining. my financial obligations feel crushing. suddenly i've got these health issues starting that are probably just harbingers of more infirmaties to come.

it's a wonderful life.