and now?

i can't read her today, but i get the general idea.

i get the impression she's trying to figure out where i fit in her life and how much of herself she wants to share with me, as a friend. the unstated underlying fact is that anything beyond friends is not a possibility, ever. she might change that later, if it suits her, but she needs me to know that the future that i've wanted for so long is dead. not gonna happen.

she got in very late this morning, she sez because she couldn't get moving to get to work. don't know how accurate that is, but unless she spent the morning otherwise engaged with bf, i suspect that her dread of -me- played a role in her not being able to get moving. cordial conversation. no lunch call.

i asked her again if she needed/wanted time away from me/us. "yes and no" was her answer. which means, to me, a lot more "yes" than "no", she just doesn't want to say so. i told her that she's got to stop doing or not doing things based on how she thinks i'll react or if she thinks it'll hurt me. she has to do what's right for her.

i should do what's right for her too. i don't know exactly what that means, on a day to day basis, but i suspect it'll become clearer over the next few days/weeks. i wonder if the right thing for her is for me to leave her alone, vanish from her life?

that'd probably be the hardest thing i've ever had to do. but i would, if i knew it'd help ease her mind and make her life easier.