unconfirmed reports now appear true

i've suspected it for some time now. not happy about it, but she will be, and ultimately she'll be better off for it.

my heart seems to have accepted that she doesn't want to be with me; that she won't be with me. or meet. or reveal herself.

she was a little distant all day yesterday. not distant, but ?reserved? maybe. almost like she needed to (and she may do this every week and i never noticed) test the waters to see how much unwanted emotional crap from me she's gonna have to put up with.

i felt the resignation in my heart yesterday. and all last night. i say i must be becoming more accepting of it because it didn't cripple me all day and all night, unless i really look at it, like now. but she's getting what she wants, which is her life with him back and not getting what she doesn't want, which is the whole of me.

i'll always be able to look back on our glory days and i'll know, even if she never saw it or never wanted it, i'll know what we could have been like. sometimes i wonder if it'd be better if i forgot, so as to save myself the painful memories of what could've and should've been. but who would want to forget a love like that? i don't. even though i lost, even though i never really had a chance, for me at least it was real. you don't give up a treasured memory like that. ever.

i guess the best man (for her) did win.

i always wonder, and probably always will, what does he have that i don't? what's he give her that she can't get from me? but i also believe that there's no reason or control over who we love. she just loves him. period.

not me.