and so it starts

it's like water rising around me, slowly creeping higher and higher until i can't breathe anymore.

it's the realization that i'm going to be fairly close to her again. close enough for lunch, hell, close enough to just say hi for 15 minutes.

she won't. she can't. doesn't want to. refuses.

still the walls stay as high and as thick as ever.

when am i gonna figure it out? when will i finally accept that it's not gonna happen. ever.

this trip i didn't get to this point until just a few hours before departure. maybe that means i am slowly coming to accept it.

i'm positive it'd be better for her if i was gone. why does she keep me around? is she afraid of hurting me that much? afraid i'll do something drastic like kill myself?

it's for the better, i'm sure. better for her anyway. i don't have anything to offer her that she can't get where she is. in fact, she'd lose a lot. he's better for her.

my time has passed.

if i had any decency i'd bow out of her life, stop hurting her, stop hurting him.

instead i keep on, hoping for that lottery win. if only i had a ticket.