does she not know the torture of not having her? of not having the love and the life that's so desperately wanted? if it was right for her like it is for me, she'd know it. she'd feel the unbearable wrongness of separation. and she'd fix it.
but she doesn't feel it or know it.
i wonder if she's doing what she said she was going to do - honestly evaluate her life to see if it's what she wants. i fear not. it's too easy to get lulled into complacency, to become used to the day to day routine. add to that that with her less distracted their relationship has to be getting better, going more smoothly. lending more weight to her feeling that what she has is in fact pretty good and therefore she should stay.
she feels no pressure as the days, weeks, months even years pass by while i feel the crushing weight of each passing day as being one more brick sealing her into her life with bf, one more empty day in what will become the rest of my life, empty without her. she has youth, she has money, she has him. i don't have youth, don't have money. don't have her.
i have the loss of her. i have the knowledge of what could have been. what should have been.
but their life together pulls her too strongly.
i can't compete. i have nothing with which to lure her.
each day brings me closer to that day when she tells me she's decided.
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