blooms

little by little ....

these little blooms of realization, of reluctant acceptance settle into my heart. i hate it. i don't want to accept that this is it, that there's no -her- in my future.

after i was separated for about 18 months the ex and i were talking and i said "it's been 18 months and i haven't felt a compelling need to be back... what does that tell me?". for B and i it's been two and a half years. if she hasn't felt a compelling need to be with me by now, what does that tell me?

i feel like she's looking at me with sad eyes, sorry to see this happen... even reaching her hand out to me as the crack in the world between us grows. but it doesn't have to be this way. all she has to do is take a few steps and everything would change.

everything.

but she's frozen, stuck where she is. whether by love or loyalty or golden handcuffs or fear, she's stuck, unable or unwilling to move.

i'm going to miss her so much. her laugh, her friendship, her desire - everything that is her. i'm not sure you ever recover from a loss like that.

wouldn't everything after her, after losing a love like that, wouldn't everything else be... muted? second rate? runner up?