coming back

spent a(nother) weekend without her. like every weekend.

when i come back, i'm always sure, for some stupid reason, that she's both waiting for me, eager for me, ready to see me and just as positive that she's decided that he's it, that she's staying with him forever.

neither is true.

the longing i feel when i come back, when she's back in my world, is so... intense. so full, so all consuming. the slightest bit of welcome from her and i fall back into full on "want her, she wants me". and then there's always the shock, the hurt, the slap back to what the reality of the world really is.

she told me that she was free saturday morning. my immediate thought was "could we have talked? would you have wanted to?" but i know the answer. she wouldn't think of it, wouldn't do it.

g-d i long to hold her close. even just to know that she wants me to hold her close.

told her of a song i thought of "you're a hard habit to break". she mentioned someone she knew who "... listened to all that crap...".

so there. so much for romance.

i gotta get a hold of my self, my feelings, my trying-to-hold-on, otherwise it's gonna tear us completely apart. and kill me.